It finally hit me today, as I was driving. After today, the bad stuff is all over. While I know I still have a long road ahead, the hardest part of my journey will be behind me. The rest of treatment should be much, much easier.
This past week has been one of the toughest weeks for me. Yes, I was physically tired, but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted...drained...nothing left. And it showed, which was the worst part. I was so tired I couldn't think straight, talk straight, walk straight, NOTHING was right. Decision making was a lost cause, I couldn't decide on even minor things. This showed up mostly when I was driving, and at work. I probably should not have been driving when I got really tired, but (oops) I did. I've gotten honked at more times in the past week than I have in my entire lifetime! I remember one specific time I was in the parking lot of the cancer center, and I was backing up. My head and neck were all cranked around to the right, then to the left, then to the right again...I kept going back and forth, back and forth, trying to figure out if I had cleared the blue minivan behind me (I was in my own little world, and don't remember anything except wondering if I was going to hit that blue van! And I remember thinking it was a dark blue, unlike my friend Georgene's minivan, which was a light blue...). At some point, I heard a loud HONK behind me, and I am SO THANKFUL that, when it startled me, I didn't hit the gas and hit the van. I just kept my foot on the brake. I turned to my left again, and there was some gal (with a full head of hair, mind you) waving impatiently at me. I waved, and then somehow I got out of there. No clue how, but I remember I was MAD that I was getting honked at in the CANCER CENTER PARKING LOT!!! Hello, major chemo and radiation brain here! I mean, who knows how long I was sitting there, trying to figure this "puzzle" out, but she didn't have to wave at me like I was an idiot.
And I think that is what sums it up for the week. I felt like an IDIOT; a moron, stupid, and slow, which made me frustrated and ANGRY. Not angry at the cancer or anything really, but that I couldn't be super woman and just fly through radiation with no side effects.
Which kinda sounds like how I felt towards the end of chemo, eh?
I was still feeling angry (and EXHAUSTED) this morning as I was driving around (scary haha). Then a song came on the radio, and it broke me. The melody and the lyrics smashed right through what had become a hard shell, where I had just shut down my emotions and care for pretty much everything (and it's amazing how fast we can build that up). Here's a link to the video with lyrics if you want to hear it (it's BEAUTIFUL). I recommend you listen to it, even if you don't read the rest of the post...it's one of the most beautiful and moving songs EVER (and, as my best friend and family know, music moves me as it is lol). It wasn't until the music and lyrics of the chorus that it all overwhelmed me and I broke down, as for the first time in my life I fully realized the full power of the cross (I had to pull over actually lol); but here are the full lyrics with the chorus in highlighted:
My heart hangs on every word
That you speak
I need you, Lord
Come Find Me
Holy Spirit, breathe
I've been walking through deserts
I need more of your presence
I'm weak
Savior, be my strength
Down in the valley, when waters rise
I'm still believing, hope is alive
All through the struggle and darkest day
I'll remember the empty grave
Your touch
Bringing me closer
Your hand
Healing what's broken
My prayer
Father, meet me here
My life for all of your glory
Your grace, let it surround me
Let faith change the atmosphere
Hallelujah, death is done
All of hell is overcome
Jesus, You are alive
Hallelujah, death is done
All of hell is overcome
Oh my Jesus You are alive
So, if you've listened to it, I hope it was at least somewhat as powerful for you as it was for me (or at least enjoyable).
I've always appreciated and been thankful for Jesus and his death on the cross, but I've only understood it in an intellectual sense (Tiffany and Erin, we were JUST TALKING about this Monday! lol); I've never fully appreciated it in an emotional way. But wow...when we fully realize what He did for us, and we REMIND OURSELVES DAILY of the empty grave, it's life changing. He conquered death when he died on the cross, and rose again three days later. This isn't just fact; it's our story - mine AND yours. He conquered death before I even faced the possibility of death with my cancer diagnosis. He conquered death before I even knew I had had cancer;, and He overcame death so that I could fully live during my cancer treatment; and even if I didn't make it through treatment, I STILL WOULD NOT FACE DEATH. Physical death, perhaps; but never spiritual death.
And He did all that for me. And FOR YOU. Even as we continue to sin against Him. WHAT A GIFT!!!
Anyways, it also it hit me that even when I was searching for hope, reassurance, and strength from my doctors, my family, my friends, and others, I never realized until today they could never provide me what I needed this past week, no matter what I was going through. And I was frustrated with that, and worried that I would never "snap out of it" I never fully turned to Him and fell into His arms, letting Him carry me. I did GREAT at this before my surgery; but not this past week. Only He can provide me with that. Only HE can provide with so many things that we look to others for in this world. ALSO, I realized that when I was down in the deepest, darkest parts of the vally, and the water was literally drowning me (after surgery when the pain was exruciating, when I honestly believed I would not physically make it through the last round of chemo, and this past week when I was honestly not sure if I was awake, asleep, or dead), HE WAS WITH ME. And while I believe for and had hope, I didn't realize that hope IS ALIVE. It is alive and well, and it is alive and MOVING in our lives. I am so thankful that through all my struggles and darkest days, He remained with me. Even when I didn't turn to Him, and when I've forgotten to thank Him, and when I've sinned again him, He is with us; LITERALLY with us, through the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Again, what a gift.
Also, at the same time (this was the most overwhelming emotional experience I've ever had; it actually topped the moment I received my cancer diagnosis. In the moments after hearingmy diagnosis, I feared death. Since that point, I've never really feared death [thanks Mom! :)], but as I've come to the end of the this "hard" treatment, I've been wondering how may "cancer free years" I will have...it hasn't bothered me much, but it's been in the back of my mind), it hit me that this is the end of the tough stuff...IT'S ALL OVER AFTER TODAY!!!
And He has been by my side the whole time, and I needn't have EVER feared death. He reminded me that he will be with me as I head, and throughout EVERYTHING else in life.
Ok I have to go to treatment now, so I will end this here...I am still in tears, but they are tears of INCREDIBLY JOY. I've never experienced such powerful JOY before, but I hope and pray that you all do. It is beautiful, and I find myself changed yet again.
THANK YOU again for reading. God bless.
Down in the valley, when waters rise
I'm still believing, hope is alive
All through the struggle and darkest day
I'll remember the empty grave
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