First: Rant. Second: Fun!

First:  Rant.  

As I approach my fifth (and second to last!) round of heavy chemo, I'm anxious.  Nervous.  Scared. This fourth round was tough; a lot tougher than I expected.  I knew that as my toxicity levels increase, my symptoms will increase; but I did not expect it to be THAT much worse than my third cycle.  In the scheme of things, it was not that awful; but what scares me is knowing that I have two more doses of that heavy stuff.  And that each one will most likely be worse.  I know I can handle it, I know I will get through it, but it is the going through it that scares me so much.  

I've also started feeling frustrated with it all.  Mostly the constant nausea (and occasional vomiting), mouth pain and sores (this time my throat got mega irritated also), ever-increasing fatigue (the intermittent insomnia helps, hah), body aches and pains, skin discolorations and rashes and splitting, nosebleeds (which thankfully are not painful, just more of a nuisance), and lately my fingernail tenderness has been really making me frustrated.  My nails are often just straight up painful...if I bump my nail or even just the finger, even the slightest bit, it sends shock-like pain through my entire hand.  I can't scratch an itch (which is probably a good thing, because I would probably shred my delicate skin lol!), open containers, and even writing and typing sometimes bother them.  If I do try to scratch my skin or use my nails, it feels as though they are lifting off of the nail bed...literally like they are about to pop right off!  Creepy!!!  And while I do think it is kind of cool how there are what I call "chemo-cycle lines" in my nails (like tree rings!), my pinky nails have started darkening.  For some reason, losing my nails freaks me out more than losing my hair or any of the other gross or annoying things.  I don't know why, maybe because I've never seen anyone who has lost a nail, but it's got to look creepy and just...WRONG!  LOL like what the heck does a freshly-uncovered nail bed look like?!  I could Google it, but I won't...I SHOULD remember from grad school, but my (and yes, this is my favorite excuse!) chemo brain isn't letting me recall many things! ;)  

Aside from the physical junk, I just feel so off...I just don't feel like myself.  I feel like I am disconnected from myself, like I'm just not me.  I'm so thankful my family, friends, and coworkers all still put up with me, because I feel like I'm a really crappy version of myself lately!  I know everyone is understanding, and hopefully none of them perceive me that way, but ugh I just want to feel like myself again!  I am so thankful that I will feel like myself relatively soon, and that I only have a few more weeks of this stuff.  

Second: FUN! :D 

But in the midst of all this crap, I've been fortunate to have had a lot of good times over the past few weeks!!!  I've gone out to lunch with friends and have done some shopping which is always fun, and gets me up and moving!  I've also got some cute new clothes to wear this spring and summer, and every girl loves having new clothes to look forward to wearing! :)  While part of me feels guilty that material things such as new clothes excite me, another part of me knows that I need to do everything I can right now (within reason, of course) to give myself all the motivation and excitement about the future that I can get!  

Last week I found out that I was chosen to be a Portrait of Hope for the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer program, which I'm super excited about!!!  Basically I get to share my story and talk about various things with the media and at Making Strides events and what not. I will find out more in the next few weeks, but I am so excited to share my story on a larger platform, and hopefully encourage and inspire many more people!  When Claire McCaskill announced her diagnosis last Monday, I was able to talk to Fox 4 about my story, and I had a BLAST talking with Abby Eden!  She is an absolute DOLL!  Click HERE for the link for the article and news clip if you want to see it!   

I also got to go talk to the Olathe East girl's basketball team, who raised enough money for more Healing Chairs!!!  They are an AWESOME group of girls, and I was so blessed meeting them!  

Surrounded by amazing women!!!

Talking to the girls, and my Italian blood is coming out!!!  LOL!  

Yesterday my mom hosted a little craft party, and some family and friends came over and we had a BLAST!!!  Oh my, so much food and fun and craftiness, I slept soooo good last night lol!!!  We made these super cute Easter wreaths (ok, well, I'm STILL working on mine...haha), and it was so nice to hang out and talk and laugh with everyone!!!  

 Work in progress!  

This little blue one still cracks me up, LOL!!!   

I also got to see Newsies Thursday night, which I HIGHLY recommend, it's awesome!!!  And thanks again Ashlea for taking me!!!  :D  So all in all, life is good...I'm so thankful to be alive, and enjoying this beautiful life that God has given me (and this beautiful weather as well!).  Thanks again for all your prayers, love, and support...it's still what's keeping me going!!!  

Mouthing Off

This has been a really great weekend, and I am so thankful for that!!!  I got some acupuncture and biofeedback last week that helped me enjoy the weekend.  I got to spend time with family and my two best friends, eat lots of pasta (tortellini alfredo is one of my favorite dishes, and it's one that still has some flavor for me during chemo), snuggle up with my kitty and watch football, and I even got to go shopping...it was a dream weekend for this girl!!!  I found a ton of great scarves to wear this spring and summer at Charming Charlie's for $1-$4!  They were on major clearance, and they are BOGO half off right now!  They are lightweight and will be perfect for wearing on my head.  Their semi-annual sale is AMAZING!!!  I highly recommend checking it out!  

Also just FYI, I have no clue why the background of the text is different in various places on this post...formatting is something way over my head!!!  So please forgive the eyesore that that is, thank you!  :)  [UPDATE: Formatting has been fixed!!!  Thank you Dad!!! :D]  Now on to my topic for today...

Ohhhh the beloved chemo mouth! Out of all the chemo side effects, the digestive tract (for me) has the broadest range of symptoms. For this post, I will be focusing only on the first part of the digestive system: the mouth.

While the mouth seems a simple body part, it's actually quite complex. From practical purposes to pleasure, our lips, teeth, and tongue are essential to many daily functions. Several years in the dental field have taught me the importance of teeth for chewing and obtaining adequate nutrition throughout our lives, and there are so many different things that can go wrong with them (and it seems just as many different fixes). The tongue is also important in the chewing process, and is essential for swallowing and talking. Lips provider a barrier for the mouth, and is also important in chewing and talking.

Normally, all these surfaces are covered in our dear friend saliva. All that lovely drool is actually very important! Saliva provides the first step in the digestive process, helps prevent tooth decay, keeps your mouth wet and comfy, and fights germs and bad breath. Now, if you take that lovely substance away, as often happens with chemo patients, you end up with a whole host of problems (the least of which is a cranky patient).


Ok enough with the biology lesson, on to the whining! The corners of my mouth are constantly cracking (you can kind of see it in the picture, red and irritated spots). This would be fine if 1. I didn't like to eat, and 2. I didn't like to smile a lot. My mouth is so dry at moments I feel like sandpaper would be wetter! And it's amazing to me how my tongue can feel bloated, yet desiccated. This of course makes it difficult to eat (I won't go into the loss of taste buds function again), but it also makes it difficult to talk and breathe. Now, you're probably thinking, "Well silly, just close your mouth and breathe through your nose!" At times, this solution works wonders! Other times you embark on a lovely back-and-forth journey of what's the worst of two evils: dry winter air running over a dry, ulcerated tongue, or dry winter air running through a very dry (except the 3-5 times per day when it's bleeding) nasal cavity?

And yes, I have a humidifier :)

Then there's the mouth sores...I haven't had these too bad thankfully! Mostly on the tongue. I've circled them in red on the picture, just in case you couldn't find them.  LOL.  I'm glad my tongue is not on my face!
But, it's only for one year. And there are only a few bad days each cycle! And the Chiefs won!!! 

Ok well now that I've whined enough, here are some things that have helped (for anyone who may be reading this and experiencing similar fun times):

• Humidifier - I don't know for sure that it's helped, because I have used it every day and night since before I started chemo, but I am assuming it is helping and would not want to attempt NOT using it.
• Magic mouthwash - This. Stuff. Is. MAGIC!!! Literally it's magical...with a numbing agent that works very well and two other magical ingredients (I don't remember what they are or what they do), this stuff helps coat the mouth and tongue and makes you feel like you want to live again! It also helps heal up those fun little mouth sores.
• Mentholatum - Another winner! When you've been battling internal nosebleeds and causing so much friction to your nostrils that they start to bleed too, this stuff helps restore some moisture to those guys. I tried to put it on frequently BEFORE wiping my nose, to help prevent more irritation, but of course if your nose is having a bloody Ebola-like moment, ain't nobody got time for that!!! I've also found that, while recommended for external use only, putting a bit of Vaseline up in my nose a bit helps coat those bone dry passages, making breathing more comfortable.

 

• Burt's Bees, EOS, Softlips, Chapstick, our dental office lip balm, it all helps those dry lips and cracked mouth corners!
• Saline nasal spray - good for helping to lower the frequency of nosebleeds. 
• Extra-fluoride toothpaste - With the increased risk of tooth decay, it's important to help the enamel stay strong! 
• Ice cream - yes!  Even without flavor, the cold and texture feels GREAT on a sore mouth!!!
• Protein/nutrition shakes - Gotta keep that nutrition up, and when it hurts to eat actual food, shakes go down easy. And with no taste buds tasting, flavor ain't an issue! All mushy foods (mashed potatoes, yogurt, etc) are all wonderful too.  My mom ***correction: Dad!*** found these (pictured below) at the grocery store, and they are pretty darn yummy!!!  I tried the sweet potato and beet ones also, and they were good too.  You can't see him in the picture here, but there is an adorable bunny on the package too (Peter Rabbit)!  





Most importantly, remember it's only temporary. It's all a sign that the chemo is working!  We'll be back to tasting kale and cupcakes in no time!!! Here's to a great couple of weeks, getting ready for Round 3 on the 22nd!