Psalm 1 Prayer

I was reading Psalm 1 this morning, and I wanted to share my prayer with you, so you can pray it too! I am also praying it over your life as well! It actually started out as just my thoughts, and then turned into a prayer :) I focused on the MSG Bible version, which I have uploaded a picture of below. Thank you for reading, God bless!!!

I want to be a blessed person, who does not keep company with sin (don't hang out at Sin Saloon, nor with sinners). I do not want to slink along Dead-End Road, as I want to use this life that God has so richly blessed me with for His purposes; which I know are so much greater than my own! And Lord, please help me not to be a Smart-Mouth, but to use my words wisely - to always build up and encourage others, and not participate in gossip. 

I want to chew on and meditate on your word every day and every night. I desire to be like a strong tree with deep roots, bearing fresh fruit every month for You! Please lead me to streams of water, and may I take the time to rest beside them, so that I may water and nourish my soul with your word, and with time with you. I love the idea of always being in blossom, Lord! Always growing and blossoming like a beautiful flower, so that all the world can see your good works through me, and your strength in my weaknesses!!! Align my hopes, dreams, and desires with Yours, and to Your will for my life Lord. Thank you for your many, many blessings in this life. In Jesus' name, amen!!!

Spiritual Warfare, Book Reviews, and Anchors!!!

Whenever I tell people that the easiest part of my cancer journey has been chemotherapy and surgery, they typically look at me like I am crazy (I mean, I get that look a lot anyways, but especially when I tell them about that).  Obviously, they inquire as to why that was easier than my journey since then, and until recently I never could pinpoint it.  It took me a little while, but I finally figured it out.  

I've always known that spiritual warfare exists (at least in my opinion; here is a link about it), as the devil is always looking to get us down and take our eyes off of God.  If you've never seen the movie The War Room, take time to watch it.  Not only does it have a powerful message, it's actually good entertainment!  Anyways, up until late last summer, I never personally knew the enemy's full power (which, keep in mind, is NEVER more powerful than God).  

There was a lot of anxiety (which I've always struggled with) and depression (which was new to me).  I constantly felt overwhelmed, drained, and defeated, with feelings of worthlessness and despair that I couldn't shake.  I would read my Bible, but the words seemed hollow and untrue.  I would pray, and I felt that my words fell on deaf ears.  

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and my anxieties and depression grew worse.  I fought them all day every day, which was exhausting.  

His job was much easier when I going through surgery and chemo.  When you are going through that, you are very much focused on just keeping yourself alive; you don't really notice or worry about what else is going on in your life, or what is going on around you.  Plus, that stuff is terrible enough on its own that it's practically the devil incarnate (and I know many of you have gone through "Red Devil" chemo).  The enemy doesn't have to try very hard to get you down; often, you're already there.  Even though I had was fortunate enough to maintain a positive attitude throughout treatment, it wasn't always easy.  I read my Bible and prayed daily, and I know this helped me tremendously.  

When you finish all the physically grueling things, that's when his real work begins, and he works HARD to try and destroy us.  And if you're not ready for it or expecting it, it can catch you off guard.  Wayyyyy off guard.  I had confidently expected once I finished chemo and radiation, the rest would be smooth sailing.  So I threw myself back into "regular" life.  I started seeing my friends regularly, started dating, started fundraising and doing charity work, started a business, etc etc.  All of these things are wonderful, important things, but I slowly forgot everything I learned while going through my cancer journey: put God first, and everything else will fall into place.   

As my schedule got busier and busier, my spiritual life was pushed aside.  I read my Bible and prayer maybe once to twice a week, and my prayers were shallow and rushed.  After a few months, I had become so frustrated and angry and depressed I hated my life.  I was so mad that I went through all of that treatment just to come out the other side with a life that I absolutely hated, even though it was a wonderful life.  I would get more angry with myself when I would ask why couldn't I just appreciate this wonderful life I had?  I started hearing the answers very clearly: Because you don't deserve anything good, Natalie.  You're not worth it.  You have too much baggage to even consider carrying on.  Etc etc, with everything in my life: my friends, my family, my job, myself, everything.   

And these are the lies we start to believe.  The devil is so smooth and persistent that if we are not constantly on guard, his whispered repetitions become our reality.  Thankfully, God is good, and he is always fighting back for us.  

On my way home from work one night,  a few months ago, I randomly decided to stop by a bookstore on my way home (literally one of those God things as I passed the store, and turned around to go back to it).  I purchased two books that evening, and while I have not finished reading either one, they've both already changed my life.  

The first one is "Fervent" by Priscilla Shirer.  This is a book all about spiritual warfare; specifically the top strategies the enemy tries to destroy your life, and how to use scripture and prayer to fight against him.As the back book cover says: "You have an enemy.  And he's dead set on destroying all you hold dear.  He does it strategically.  He does it specifically.  He's doing it right this minute, in fact - aimed at personally drawn targets on your heart, your home, your mind, your life.  And this book, this battle plan, is your chance to fight back.  With a weapon that really works.  With prayer."  Shirer says are the top ways he tries to destroy us (and I am inclined to agree): 

• Strategy 1: Your Passion - Getting It Back When It's Gone 
• Strategy 2: Your Focus - Fighting the Real Enemy 
• Strategy 3: Your Identity - Remember Who You Are 
• Strategy 4: Your Family - Fortifying the Lives of Those You Love 
• Strategy 5: Your Past - Ending the Reign of Guilt, Shame, and Regret 
• Strategy 6: Your Fears - Confronting Your Worries, Claiming Your Calling 
• Strategy 7: Your Purity - Staying Strong in Your Most Susceptible Places 
• Strategy 8: Your Pressure - Reclaiming Peace, Rest, and Contentment 
• Strategy 9: Your Hurts - Turning Bitterness to Forgiveness 
• Strategy 10: Your Relationships: Uniting in a Common Cause 

Definitely all the areas in which I can feel Satan trying to sabotage me and my life.  

The second book is "Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships" by Chip Ingram.  I had just recently starting dating literally the most perfect man, but I was constantly plagued with anxiety about the relationship.  Despite his encouragement to the contrary, I just knew I wasn't good enough for him (and that I was probably bad for him), that he was too good to be true, that once the "honeymoon" phase ended it would be over, that I would screw it up somehow, etc.  So I picked this book up, and for anyone in any relationship (romantic, friendship, working, or otherwise), I recommend it.  The enemy constantly wants us at odds with everyone we have a relationship with: blaming them for our unhappiness and frustrations.  In reality, we need to realize there are two different ways of doing relationships (this is specifically tailored to romantic relationships, but can be adapted for all relationships): 

1. The Hollywood Formula (AKA how most of us have always known to do relationships): 
• Step 1: Find the right person. 
• Step 2: Fall in love. 
• Step 3: Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment. 
• Step 4: If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, and 3. 
2. God's Prescription for Relationships: 
• Step 1: Become the right person. 
• Step 2: Walk in love. 
• Step 3: Fix your hope on God, and seek to please Him through this relationship. 
• Step 4: If failure occurs (and it will, as we are humans), repeat steps 1,2, and 3.  

Once you work on becoming the right person (and not looking for the right person, or expecting your partner to be the perfect person), walking in love (and not just falling in love, but loving them unconditionally, and showing them grace and mercy), and fixing your hope on God and serving Him through this relationship (instead of expecting this person to fulfill all your hopes and dreams, which one person absolutely cannot do), your relationships will change DRAMATICALLY, as will your life.  

And of course, we are human and we will fail, so when you do...start again with becoming the right person.  And repeat.  And repeat again, and again.....

I LOVE books that change your life.  Now I'm back in the Bible every day, and spending daily time in prayer with Jesus, and I am back to feeling that joy and peace that God so lavishly and lovingly gives.  I know that there will be more spiritual battles I will experience in this life, but I will be reading, knowing that God will always win the war.  

And yes, I'm also back to loving my life and the people in it, my job, and Jesus :)  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I wanted to add this bit here too, as it is a post I wrote on New Years Eve a few days ago, but never got around to publishing :) 


2016 is winding down, and 2017 is rapidly approaching.  In lieu of traditional resolutions, I like to pick a "word of the year" for myself to focus on.  This year, it was "survive" (of course!).  The year before it was "cultivate."  2017's word: Anchor.  

As many of you know, at some point during 2016 I became obsessed with anchors.  Not just a "hey those are cool" type of obsession; an obsession in which I became so infatuated I wanted a tattoo of an anchor.  I wanted it on my left wrist (because that's the side my cancer was on); however I'm not allowed to have needlesticks on that arm (since my lymph nodes were removed).  Which is fine; I will just "anchorage" up everything else! ;)  I fell in love with the symbol after I heard the song "Eye of the Storm" by Ryan Stephenson, in which the lyrics say: 

In the eye of the storm

You remain in control

In the middle of the war

You guard my soul

You alone are the anchor

When my sails are torn 

Your love surrounds me

In the eye of the storm 

Jesus is the only one who, when we are lost or falling apart, can keep us together.  Our family and friends and others are great and helpful, but only Jesus alone can save us in the storms of life.  

So what is more perfect than making anchor my word of the year?!? :)  

Now my musings on why choosing the word anchor, so that 1. I can remember; and 2. enlighten and hopefully inspire you all  :D  

Wikipedia defines an anchor as: "A device, normally made of metal, used to connect a vessel to the bed of a body of water to prevent the craft from drifting due to the wind or current."  I interpret this (via my spiritual Christianity) to be: "A device (being/entity = Jesus), normally made of metal (or made of the Holy Spirit! :) used to connect a vessel (us, humans, people) to the bed (a firm rock, or other stable place) of a body of water (life) to prevent the craft from drifting due to the wind or current (life situations/circumstances, stressors, anything that can throw us off course).  Thus, Jesus is my anchor, who keeps me grounded in Him and in His hope; keeping me from drifting away into anxiety, depression, hopelessness, etc.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I still struggle with anxiety almost daily; however it is a lot more manageable when I spend time with Jesus every day!  

Planned Parenthood - Natalie Style!

So, how does one start a blog post that's very, very personal???  Yeah, no clue...so I'll dive right in!!! lol...ok so yes...while we believe my fertility is most likely shot, there's no way of guaranteeing that I will for sure not get pregnant.  Unless I am completely abstinent for the rest of my life; which, yeah...probably not going to happen for the girl who made sugar cookies with "SEX" written on them in red food gel lettering on them in high school!!!  *facepalm for my high school self* 

Le sigh...

Anyways, when I first thought I wanted to blog about this topic, I questioned my motives.  I've never actually questioned my "why am I sharing this" before, because I always just knew it was because I wanted to educate, encourage, and inspire others.  Also, up until now, everything has been relatively easy to share, because all of my decisions have been widely accepted and understood by all of my family, friends, and people in general.  Reproduction is the only subject I've received any condemnation on, which is why I questioned my motives for sharing all this.  Do I feel the need to justify my decisions?  Do I think that I need approval from others?  Or do I truly want to be transparent about this deeply sensitive, emotional, and almost taboo topic, in hope that it educates and helps others?  

After a lot of contemplation, it is my hope and prayer that you read this with an open mind and and open heart; which is how we should approach everyone in life.  I do not expect everyone to understand, but I hope it gives you some insight into the lives and minds of those of us who willingly choose to not have children of our own.  

While I am still prayerfully considering my options, I know in my heart what is best for me, my body, and my life; and also what I want most.  Pretty much all of my healthcare-related decisions up until this point have really only affected ME; deciding to permanently sterilize oneself directly affects others, especially any future spouse.  All my decisions up until now have been pretty easy to make: 

• Surgery:  Lumpectomy?  Mastectomy?  Single or double?  Reconstruction?  FLAP/TRAM, expanders/implants, or nothing?  Nipple conservation?  Nipple reconstruction?  3D tattoos?  Saline, silicone, or gummy?  Teardrop or round?  For me, this was the easiest decision to make...the night I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted my breasts completely removed, so I could have brand new ones!!!  LOL...thank the Lord for giving me tiny breasts to begin with, so that it was an easy decision!  
• Chemotherapy:  A controversial topic in and of itself, especially when you come from a natural health background.  Not only does it involve the decision to undergo chemo (are the short and long-term side effect risks worth the benefits?  Should I do chemo first?), but also do you want to get a port or picc line?  This was also an easy decision for me, thankfully.  I knew I wanted to get a power port, and do absolutely everything I could to save my life; even if it included going through hell with chemotherapy...because I knew I would be going to hell and back.  And I wanted to come back and stick around here for a long time!  
• Radiation:  I dreaded this for some reason, I think because I had a feeling it would make me tired.  It did, of course, but I trusted my doctors, my knowledge and research, my gut instincts, and of course God to help me know that this was another good choice for me.  
• Tamoxifen:  Still up for debate on this one, but it's still a much easier decision to take this pill for 10 years than decide on reproductive options.

Speaking of Tamoxifen, this is one factor that's helped me make my decision.  Tamoxifen is an estrogen-blocker that is an oral medication taken daily that stops estrogen-positive cancers from coming back.  Since my cancer THRIVED on estrogen, this is a very good option for me.  It is supposed to be taken for 10 years, and you are not supposed to get pregnant during this time (due to teratogenic effects).  My 10 years will basically be starting at age 33 for me, which will make me 43 when I finish the course.  

Personally, I know I don't want to be giving birth to and raising children at age 43, for many reasons that I'm sure you can imagine.  Yes, I could stop the medication at some point, but I know that the worry of "OMG will my hormones going out of whack bring my tumor back?!?  What if it grows back and I have this child and then die from cancer?!?"  Yes, those are extreme thoughts and worries, but I know myself well enough to know that those concerns would overwhelm me, and Natalie does not do well when she is stressed out (as we have seen by Natalie getting cancer previously).  :)  

So what is a girl to do when she does not want to get pregnant, but wants to have sex someday lol, and cannot have any form of hormonal birth control?  

I had a nice conversation with my oncologist yesterday about my options.  I'm sure I will review them with her in more detail, as well as with my OBGYN, but with my mother dearest and my dear boyfriend in the room with me, I just wanted an overview and short discussion of my current options, which for me include: IUD, medically-induced menopause (I'm currently in peri-menopause), tubal ligation, or ovary removal.  Just some minor things...

My first thought with an IUD was "What?!  I don't want a foreign implant in my body!!!"  Then remembered I have two large foreign implants sitting in my body right now!  So what makes an IUD any different???  As far as it being a foreign object, there is no difference really, but for me physically it is not the best option.  Medically-induced menopause?  Um...SCARY!!!  As is ovary removal!!!  I'm thankful I don't have any of the BRCA gene mutations, or else they'd definitely want to be harvesting my ovaries!  I really feel for all my friends who are having theirs out...love you guys (well, girls...you're amazing! <3 ).  So while it's not a done deal, a tubal ligation is most likely my best option for me, both personally and physically.  

So, if I CAN have something reversible, why wouldn't I want that?  Because I know, in my heart, that I do not want to produce children with my body, or with my eggs (over the past year I've realized I don't want my DNA passed on...which sounds silly I know, but with all of my issues and family history issues...yeah no lol).  As crazy as it sounds (and believe me, I have been told by MANY people over many years [and especially over the past year] that this is crazy, that there must be something wrong with me, that I'm not a REAL woman, etc etc...) I have never really wanted children of my own; nor have I ever had the desire to be pregnant or give birth.  I know, many of you are reading this and going WHAT?!?  Because I know many of you want nothing more than to become pregnant with your own child, to carry your own child, and to give birth to your child.  And I think that is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and you know I keep you in my prayers.  I am thankful, however, that this is something God has never put on my heart.  I had never understood it, and I always DID think I was weird or that something was wrong with me; but when I was diagnosed with cancer, and heard that I could possibly never had children, it all made sense and I thanked God.  

I did always wonder that if I met the right person, and was in the right relationship, I might change my mind.  But I have (FINALLY! ;) met the right person, and am in the right relationship, and my feelings have not changed.  I can't predict the future, and I could be wrong, but I do not forsee myself ever changing my mind on this one.  

How can I say this with such confidence?  Well, for one, I have always known that if I were to want children, I want to adopt them.  Not to liken children to animals, but I've always felt about children like I do about animals:  there are SO MANY IN THE WORLD WHO DON'T HAVE HOMES, or people to love them!!!  I can't handle thinking about all the animals in shelters...OMG it breaks me heart and brings me to tears if I even start to think about it!!!  And if I see one of those blasted ASPCA etc commercials, even just for one nanosecond of a mangy animal who has that look of heartbreak in their eyes, I'm emotionally ruined for a week.  

So when I picture children like that, my heart breaks a million times over. 

No offense to animal breeders, because those animals need homes too; but there are already SO MANY who need homes!  And for me, it is that way with children too: there area already SO MANY who need homes and love and care; why would I NOT choose them???  I know that probably sounds ridiculous and crazy, but for some crazy reason (maybe because I AM crazy? lol) I've always felt that way, and had that opinion.  

Now, know that I've already gotten a lot of crap about this too throughout my life: 

• "Why would you want to raise someone else's kids?!?"  Because SOMEONE HAS TO!  And why NOT me???  Because, if not me, then who else will show them and give them the love, encouragement, support, etc that they need?  
• "You just don't know what you're getting when you adopt!"  LOL...this one always cracks me up, because you know what???  You don't know what you're getting with LIFE!!!  As soon as you enter this world, you don't know what you're getting!  We aren't guaranteed anything in life; we're not even guaranteed tomorrow.  You might be the most perfect person, with the most perfect spouse, with the most perfect DNA (which none of that even exists); but until Jesus returns this world ain't perfect, and your children will be out in this crazy, corrupted world...so you don't really know what you're getting with anything (especially with kids!).  Until we truly solve the whole nature vs. nuture debate, I'll just keep my mind focused on Jesus.  
• "But what if they grow up and kill you?  Or kill others?"  My first response is typically, "Well what if YOUR children grow up and kill YOU, or others?"  Thankfully, I'm ususally shocked into silence long enough for my filter to kick in, and I don't actually say that.  My usual response is, "Ok, if they kill or harm or do bad stuff, yep that would be horrible; I cannot imagine that!  And if they kill me, well then I'll be up in heaven with Jesus!  And how many non-adopted children grow up and do bad things?  But seriously, we can't fear the future for any reason.  We can fear the future for so many reasons, but if we do that then we will miss out on so many of the amazing things that God has in store for us!"  And then they are the ones who are silenced.   
• "Oh, you will change your mind someday!"  Mmm...I haven't in 33 years now...maybe, but doubtful.  And if I do, well I know God will get me through that too!  
• ETC ETC!!! :)  

The best thing of all?  I have the most amazing and supportive family, friends, and boyfriend...without them, we all know I would not have made it this far in my journey; analld I surely could not be making a decision like this.  And my boyfriend, ahhhh dear Austin, what an amazing man!  I've been so blessed to have SO MANY "God things" and God-sends and gifts that I know are directly from God in my life time, and Austin is one of the best!  He is literally the man I've been looking for and praying for my whole life, and it amazes me every day that I have been blessed with such a perfect gift.  I could write so much on how and why I know he is a gift from God, but I'll keep this short and sweet: From the very beginning we've been on the same page about having children, and the dude is more than open and willing to adopt (and his reasons would melt your heart!).  Plus,any man that can sit through a doctor's appointment and listen to all the things discussed yesterday (as if hearing that your girlfriend should probably have her tubes tied isn't bad enough, all the other bodily conversations and what not were fun to listen to also I'm sure!) and not run out of the room and hold my hand during chemotherapy is simply amazing...simply perfect <3 

I'm amazed every single day at how my life has changed for the better since my cancer diagnosis.  Never in a million years did I think I would have cancer at age 31; and never in a million years did I think I would kick cancer's ass and come out happier and better than ever!  

Ok, so that was a lot!  Thank you for reading, I hope you learned something or at least have some insight into us crazy, weird, strange women who are different than "normal" women.  Now I have that song (I think it's from Sesame Street???) that goes like, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong!" stuck in my head! LOL!!!  Except I know where I belong...right here, right now, right where God has me.  Love you all so much, and thank you <3 <3 <3 

Sterile Peril!

I've been sitting at my desk this evening, trying to figure out: 1. What I wanted to blog about; and 2. How to start this blog post.  It's been about 10 minutes now, and I still don't have an answer to either question lol, so I'm just going to go ahead and dive in! :)  

There are SOOO many things I've been wanting to blog about recently!  I'll get around to it all at some point...hopefully :)  

Tonight I just want to update everyone (yes, I've been neglecting that too, sorry!!!); but first I want to talk about the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk coming up on October 22...I'm SO EXCITED!!! :D  We walked in the Making Strides walk last year, and (for me anyways) it kind of marked the "kickoff" of my cancer treatment, as my first step in my journey started the following weekend (double mastectomy).  Now, walking this year feels like it will mark the "completion" of my active treatment!  

 If you have not registered yet, please go ahead and do so, so that we can start planning for the right amount of people!  Click here to register, to read about why I'm walking, and why I support the American Cancer Society.  To summarize: No one facing cancer should EVER have to walk alone.  It was AWESOME last year to see all the people who came out to walk, just to support patients with breast cancer...seeing all the love and support helped me feel so much peace about the journey I was embarking on.  Also, fundraising is crucial to keeping the American Cancer Society research programs running (we MUST FIND A CURE!!! And better treatments in the meantime!!!) and all the patient information and support programs (which is critical to cancer patients...made a HUGE difference for me!).  Most importantly, it raises AWARENESS about this horrible disease...there's still not enough awareness out there yet!!!  

Even if you can't make it out for the walk, please join us for the after-party!  I just found out a couple of days ago that my parents are gonna host a party for me, to celebrate me being cancer-free!  (I just got goosebumps as I typed that!).  I didn't realize I had not actually celebrated that awesome news yet, so I am SUPER looking forward to celebrating with all my loved ones!!!  Please let me know if you need info on that, so my mom or I can get it to you.  It will be SOOOO GOOD to celebrate the end of this  very difficult, yet incredibly beautiful, journey that I have been on.  Hope to see you there!!! :D 

Ok so an update on me...in my last post, I detailed the frustrations I was having with my chemo brain.  Since then, I've been doing MUCH, much better, and I am SO thankful for that!!!  Shortly after my last blog post, my oncologist had me stop the Tamoxifen for awhile, and checked my hormone levels (estradiol, FSH, and LH).  My FSH and LH (I won't stop to detail those here, I'll spare you that biology lesson lol) were VERY elevated, which means a couple of things: 1. It can indicate menopause, but my doctor believes I'm just in perimenopause.  Either way, at age 32 that's pretty #awesome!  LOL ;)  2. My fertility is...how should I say this...pretty much shot.  Chemo fried my eggs (L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y.).  When I first heard this, several words came to my mind:  Infertility.  Barren.  Sterile.  Fruitless.  It was kind of a sucker punch right to the gut, and it took my breath away a little bit.  

Even though I've never really desired to have children of my own, I always thought that someday, when I met the right person, I might want to have a family with them.  At the time of my diagnosis, however, I was not in that position.  They had me see a fertility doctor, who explained the costs of freezing eggs; which I'm sure you know is EXPENSIVE.  It was hard for me to rationalize even just entertaining the idea of possibly freezing eggs, when I was: 1. Single!  2. Already in a mountain of debt thanks to student loan awesomeness!  3. Getting ready to acquire some super cool medical bills!  4. Just wanting to save my life!  I'd always felt that I made the right decision, until that moment.  

As he always likes to do, Satan tried to sneak in.  He threw those words into my mind: Infertility.  Barren.  Sterile.  Fruitless.  He spoke convincingly, like I imagine he did to Eve in the Garden of Eden, and was very accusatory.  I heard things like "Now you are less of a woman.  The one thing you were put on this earth to do (reproduce) you cannot do now...you're a failure.  You are officially damaged goods.  Now you will never attract a mate.  No one can love you now."  

Of course, you know how I handled this.  I went home, poured myself a big glass of cabernet, and got out my Bible!!!  

Thankfully, Satan flees when we read the Word, and when we praise God.  James 4:7 says, "Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."  I took this to heart, and I resisted the temptation to give in to the "poor-me's."  It would have been so much easier to just drink the wine, but I'm thankful I didn't settle with that.  As I read scripture and prayed, God held me in his hands.  I cried on his shoulder, but he wiped away every tear.  Unlike the enemy, he spoke softly and gently; whispering words of encouragement.  He reminded me in Ephesians 2:10 that we are not created simply to produce offspring, but that "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  He reminded me that his plan for my life is perfect, that I am fruitful in many other ways, and that (most importantly) he loves me.  

Side note: I have many, many friends who have dealt with infertility, and I absolutely cannot imagine going through that, when it is something you desire so much.  You all know who you are, and I am amazed and inspired by each of your journeys!   

The hormone thing has probably been the wildest thing going on treatment-wise.  As far as chemo goes, I only have about 4 infusions left!!! CRAZY AWESOME!!! :D  I've got a super awesome lymphedma compression sleeve thingie I get to sleep in, it's SUPER poofy (and pink!) but it helps keep the swelling down, so that's awesome!  See pic below for an example (mine is pink though...yay pink! :)  Personally, I'm doing very well.  Family is doing well (now that mom's broken wrist has healed up lol).  Work has been crazy as always, but is going well.  And guess what...I have a boyfriend!  :D  He deserves his own entire blog post, but he is absolutely amazing...an answered prayer, for sure.  He likes me and accepts me for who I am, short hair and scars and spazziness and chemo-brained and everything!!!  And he's attractive, intelligent, AND hilarious!!!  So to all my single friends: don't lose hope, there ARE ACTUALLY still good guys out there!!! #shockedface   

:)  Thanks for reading ya'll...I'll be back soon!  God bless!!! :)  

I get to sleep in one of these sexy things!  LOL definitely will be cozy in the winter! :D lol 

Mastectomy and Radiation Tips

These are things that I came up with that helped me when I was going through treatment, and hopefully they will help you too! If you have any additional tips, please comment below so I can add them. Thank you!!! ❤

• After mastectomy: Go slowly. Have patience with yourself. Allow yourself to slow down, as tough as it may be. It may take you 20 minutes for your first bathroom run, but don't worry about time; just focus on healing. 
• Stay on top of the pain meds (as in taking them as prescribed, not waiting extra hours between doses), at least for the first few days. I didn't have too much pain at all while resting, as long as I stayed on top of the meds! I only needed them for less than a week post surgery.
• Movement is the most painful part, including shifting around, reaching for things, standing and sitting, etc. I was surprised to find that it was more of a burning pain (from nerves being cut) than a sharp stabbing pain. It was honestly intense at times but never more than I could bear, so do not worry too much about the pain because the meds help tremendously. Bracing my chest (basically hugging a heart pillow across my chest as hard as I could) helped TREMENDOUSLY!!!
• If they wrap you in an ace bandage, watch for skin irritation. If skin irritation occurs, try using some aloe vera on the skin (being careful to avoid any incisions or drain openings). Something else that worked good for me was to wear a tank top or camisole over the bandages, and under the ace wrap. I was scratching several spots on my back.
• Remember that if you are having a mastectomy with reconstruction, remember that what you see the first time you see your chest with the bandages off is NOT the finished product! While it may scare or disappoint some, remember that you did this surgery because you are strong enough to handle it; you did this because you chose life. And now the cancerous breast(s) are gone.
• Get a recliner (buy one, borrow one, etc), preferably one with a lift-up feature. The transitions from laying to sitting, and sitting to standing can be very painful, as things shift around as you move. I didn't sit or sleep anywhere other than that recliner for weeks after my surgery. If you're in the Kansas City area, contact me or Google The Healing Chair Kansas City to contact us to sign up for a recliner to borrow after your mastectomy! The girls are great, they deliver it and set it up and when you're done they come and get it! Plus they're amazing women! St. Louis hs a Healing Chair charity too.
• Connect with other breast cancer survivors. This one is especially important in my opinion, as during the really tough moments I thought of them. Drawing on their strength, and the strength and hope I received from crying out to God, kept me going.
• Accept and enjoy help. You will most likely have several or more people who want to help you before and after your surgery. This was tough for me, because I always prided myself on being very independent, and being the one to help others. I resisted assistance in every way initially, until a friend (and fellow CA survivor) reminded me that people WANT to help. You may also be surprised, as was I, at how much people really do want to help; especially strangers. Don't reject offers for help; embrace them! I needed helped even feeding myself for the first day or two, so I'm so thankful for my momma!!! ❤
• Don't get scared about what you will look like. I was terrified to look at my new breasts the first time they took bandages off, but I saw what looked like a regular breast, minus a nipple, and plus an incision. But they were beautiful, and cancer free.
• Buy oversized button down tops. I bought 2 sizes up, and I am so thankful I did! I allowed myself to splurge on 3 pairs of Victorias Secret pajamas, because I figured they would help me feel pretty after my surgery. I also wouldn't let myself wear them until after surgery, so that that had something to look forward to! Other than getting the cancer out of me, of course ;-)
• Don't be surprised by odd sensations. I experiences pain, swelling, numbess, tingling, pressure, stiffness, soreness, and even a bizarre "bubbling" sensation at times. Even having studied the nervous system extensively, I was surprised at how many different sensations I would experience in just my breasts after surgery! Even sometimes all within the same day!
• Heart shaped pillows and drain pouches were my life savers! I had a cousin of mine who wanted to help and is a rock star at sewing make some of these for me, and they were absolutely perfect! I would have been miserable without them!!!
• I also used a heart shaped pillows to put in the small of my low back at times, when my low back started getting site from sitting around so much. 
• Ice was my best friend! 20 minutes every couple of waking hours helped take the edge off the pain, swelling, and itching (from under the ace wrap).
• Keep the drain cords close to body, and be cautions where your walking, and what you lean up against. I.e. don't get your drain cord hooked around a drawer knob, and walk away...only to feel the the pull from the drain site! Lol
• Keep a blog or journal. It's fun to reflect upon how far you've come. You can do a journal, but blogging allows you to share your journey with as few or as many people as you want. It's also an easy way to help friends and family keep up with you.
• Dry shampoo, face wipes, and baby wipes were all live savers!
• Wedge pillows were awesome for under my legs, and for sleeping on after I was done with recliner. 
• Drain removal - no pain! Only felt something where they insert! So freeing!!!
• Remember the good and sweet moments. I remember my mom washing my hair in our kitchen sink, patiently waiting for me when I winced in pain. I remember my boyfriend gently washing my fave with a Burts Bee's facial cleansing cloth. These sweet, beautiful moments that many people don't get to experience. When my mom hand fed me at the hospital because it was too excruciating to move my arms.
• Radiation - I used strictly aloe vera on the entire radiation sites twice per day, and I maintenance a healthy diet (lots of water and vegetables, low sugar and alcohol), and I didn't have any real burns or skin changes until the last week. Be prepared for fatigue, but also for brain fog too! Random symptoms can happen. Oh and make sure it's pure aloe vera gel, not oil or anything! And don't apply it less than 4 hours before a treatment! I also had some itching inside my breast, which benadryl helped with. 
• After mastectomy, start moving as soon as you can, and as doctors allow. Getting range of motion back in shoulders and stretching out the chest and torso was so helpful in my recovery, and continuing it through radiation was crucial too. Commit to doing stretches EVERY DAY, even of you don't feel tight. Every time I've skipped a day of yoga and stretches, I've felt so tight the next few days! 
• As with all treatments, REST REST REST!!! 😊😴😪

More than Fireworks

 HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!! 

It seems that everything is a 
little sweeter once you've been affected by cancer.  
Letters and notes from friends are more meaningful, rainy days are still considered beautiful, and smiles from strangers are more powerful.  


In the same spirit, I am more thankful than ever today to celebrate Independence Day! 
Memorial Day was also more meaningful for me this year.  



I am so thankful to live in a country where we can pretty much do as we please; land of the free because of the brave; and I am super thankful for those who founded this country and for those who have served and fought to keep it.  Because of them I am free to do so many things that millions of others around the world cannot do.  
I am free to write and publicly share my thoughts, feeling, and opinions (I love that first amendment!).  I am free to work at a job I love, with people I adore, and spend time with family and friends.  I am free to seek and receive treatment for cancer and any other ailments.  I am free to worship God and openly express my love and gratitude for Jesus Christ, without fear of consequences.  Just as we find freedom in Jesus, we find freedom here in America; thank God for both of those!

Regardless of politics, opinions, and the upcoming election, I hope and pray that we all just celebrate this day for what it is, and remember how we got here.  Oh, and STAY SAFE!!!  God bless, and Happy 4th of July!!!  :)  

Patience is a Virtue...That I Still Need to Learn! (scroll to bottom for pics and a quick update)

Oh patience!  Patience is defined (via Google) as: The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."  I feel like I have done pretty well with being patient in life, up until this week.  I've been frustrated before, but yesterday found me VERY IMPATIENT.  I had several things I wanted to accomplish, and I had determined this to-do list without regard for my current condition.  My condition is mainly just mental and physical exhaustion from radiation and chemo, but it's aggravated by the major skin irritation on my left side, breathing difficulties (everything major has been ruled out thankfully, but the feeling of not being able to breathe and like I am suffocating at times induces great anxiety in my), etc.  I am usually able to remind myself that all this is only temporary, and that this too shall pass; but yesterday I failed!  

I've been doing an online Bible study (which has been AMAZING, thank you Tiffany!) that has reminded me and encouraged me to get in The Word every day, as it is our spiritual daily bread.  I've written a devotional on this topic, I should KNOW to be in The Word every day!  But yesterday I didn't consume my spiritual daily bread.  I decided I wanted to go ahead and check something off my to-do list, which was go for a walk and stretch.  

Now, exercise is good (and it felt GREAT), but I did not leave myself enough time to open my Bible and read.  Everything was fine until I got to my radiation appointment at 8:45, and they were running 30 minutes behind.  This shouldn't even have been an issue for me, but because I had made so many plans for myself, I let it stress me out.  A LOT.  Which threw my entire day off, and resulted in a lovely panic attack (even after a couple Xanax).  I can't help but wonder if I could have prevented this by spending even just a few minutes with God, in His Word, before starting my day?  The endorphin rush from my workout was awesome, but it pales in comparison to the peace, clarity, and joy we receive from spending time in The Word.  

Also, I MAY have had an unrealistic amount of to-do's on my list...a big surprise coming from me, right? ;)  

This is where I get frustrated.  I am overall feeling SO MUCH BETTER than just a few months ago, but I'm surprised at how fatigued and brain-fogged radiation can make you!  I figured I would just sail through radiation (sound familiar?  like how I thought I'd sail through chemo? lol); but in reality it's a big toll on the body and I need to give myself the time to heal.  Fortunately, I have a lot of motivation and drive to accomplish many things; unfortunately, I am impatient about all the things I want to accomplish.  I want to start working on them all NOW!!!  I also get frustrated because I haven't been able to work full time.  Fortunately, I have an AMAZING boss who allows me to work as much or as little as I can, and co-workers who are so supportive (and I can't imagine doing this journey without any of my office peeps!); unfortunately, I am a Type-A control freak who wants everything done perfectly by the end of every day.  Which is IMPOSSIBLE in a dental office as it is, and even more impossible with my current state of mind and being.  

Update: Overall I am doing very well, all things considered.  My hair is growing back nicely!  I only have 4 radiation treatments left, and I am so thankful for that!  My skin burns are not bad, just a couple of spots where the skin is slightly broken and irritated.  I've "graduated" to only having to see my medical oncologist every 6 weeks now, instead of every 3 weeks (I will still continue to do Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks).  At my next appointment with her, I will start Tamoxifen; the hormone-blocker I'm slated to be on for 10 years.  I have to admit I'm nervous about this for 2 reasons: 1. possible side effects, and 2. 10 YEARS.  TEN. YEARS.  I'm scared to commit to that!  Although I can always stop if if I chose to.  And the commitment issue might also explain my recent single-ness...but I've also come to realize that even if I am single forever, that is ok because I DO have so many things I want to accomplish, people I want to help, and things I want to do and see!  I now always pray that God's will be done in my life, because I've finally come to fully understand that God's will is always the best for our lives.  It only took me 32 years, but hey better now than never! :)    

The burn here isn't too bad, it's mostly just itchy...and seatbelts irritate it!!!   And that's my port on my right side :) 

Under my left axilla, these little marks aren't big (thankfully!) but they are deep and they are INCREDIBLY tender (I think this is part of my insomnia...can't get comfortable)

All dressed up for the Making Strides for Breast Cancer photo shoot!!!  :D  

Snapped this pic on National Selfie Day...I still get goosebumps every time I look at it, or even think of it!  God finally got my attention...I'm following Him harder than ever!!!  

Thank you SO MUCH for reading, and God bless!!!  Hope everyone has a very safe and happy 4th of July!!!  :)  

Something I Previously Enjoyed

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of day.  I also liked waking up to a fresh, new morning that was full of possibilities, but bedtime was always the best.  It felt so good to lay down on a comfy mattress in soft sheets, curl up with a pillow and my cat, and drift off into restful sleep.  No matter what else happened during the course of a day, I could always count on the joy of going to bed at night.

Until halfway through my cancer treatment.

Other than generalized anxiety, I'm still not sure what has triggered this new insomnia trend.  Even through the worst of chemo I was always able to sleep at least 5 hours per night.  I know many people who have struggled with insomnia, and it always seemed awful.  Now I can confirm that it is!  I've started dreading and even fearing going to bed at night, because it seems that's when the demons attack.  What used to feel like a calm, quiet, relaxing time is now seems to be stormy, and loud (with thoughts) time.  Even darkness, which used to trigger relaxation, now made me feel alone, anxious, and constantly reminded me of death.  I started going to sleep with a light on, which probably was not helpful (since supposedly it messes with your awake-sleep cycle or what not), but it helped me to relax a bit.  It seemed like if I could see things around me, then I would be ok; but when things are dark and I can't see, then it's like my life is slipping away.  What a mess in my little head!!! lol...

I also seem to have developed some sort of restless leg action as well.  After my second round of chemo, I had experienced something like this with the "crawling" sensations, but this was more than just crawling.  I felt that if I didn't get up and move my legs I would seriously explode.  W T F!!!  So bedtime isn't the good time it used to be for me, lol.    

I am so thankful that this devotional (which I recommend for any woman going through cancer; and THANK YOU PAM!) came into my life at the perfect time!  Psalm 91 was part of the scripture readings for today, which reads (and I like this one because it's a good reminder of upcoming Memorial Day):

I love verse 5 that says, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  This is the best reminder that God is watching over us at all times of the day, and that even though I have been feeling anxious and alone and scared, He is always with us and protecting us.  We need not fear the dark of night, or even the arrows (doctor's appointments, work and life stresses, etc) that may try to attack us during the day.  The NIV Life Application Bible sums it all up perfectly: "God is a shelter, a refuge when we are afraid.  The writer's faith in the Almighty God as Protector would carry us through all the dangers and fears of life.  This should be a picture of our trust - trading all our fears for faith in him, no matter how intense our fears.  To do this we must 'dwell' and 'rest' with him.  By entrusting ourselves to his protection and pledging our daily devotion to him, we will be kept safe."

Ok side note: I've been anxious since noon today that I haven't received a call about radiation yet, as I was hoping to start next week.  As I was finishing typing the above quote, guess what - my phone rang, and I start radiation at 3:30 on Monday!!!  Oh how I still need to learn to TRULY and FULLY trust Him!!!  And now I'm distracted and unfocused so I will wrap this up with a quick update lol.  I got my right expander mostly deflated on Tuesday, and I was SO WORRIED about walking around with lopsided breasts!  Mostly because of my OCD brain!  But it's not as bad as I thought, and doesn't look as bad as I thought either thankfully.  I went bra shopping with my bestie last weekend (which I was VERY anxious about, to the point of having a meltdown outside Victoria's Secret...so thankful for best friends!) and got me a bra that kinda helps keep the shape over on the right for me.  I also got to enjoy a Royals game with my fab coworkers this week (and a game the week before for Mom's B-Day!), which was a BLAST; plus we won!!!  Doc even got us a premium parking pass so we LITERALLY parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the stadium (because walking long distances is still a struggle for me...getting better, but I'd rather spend my energy walking to the Fountain Bar to get a Royal Rita than walking through the parking lot, I'LL BE HONEST! lol...also we discovered that you're practically a celebrity if you walk around the stadium with a Royal Rita, so be prepared!) and covered seats in case I'd start radiation treatment...so awesome!  And my man Dyson did AWESOME!  So even with a lopsided chest, it's been a great week :)  Ok thanks again ya'll for your love and support, and God bless!!!  <3

Dyson at bat!

 BRRR it was SO COLD when we went for Mom's b-day!  

D'awwww!!!  Those feet tho...LMAO! 

Happy Mother's Day!!! I Love You Mom!!! :)

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there, but especially to all the mother's who are also caretakers of their children; and especially ESPECIALLY my wonderful mother, who is THE best out there!  Thank you Mom for all you've done for me while being sick.  While I can't say I've totally enjoyed this cancer journey, it's brought us closer together (which I didn't know was possible) and has shown me how truly amazing and strong you are (which I always knew you were, just not to what extent!).  This verse to the right (Proverbs 31:26) is you to a T...I'm always amazed at how strong you are!!!

Thank you for always taking care of me, whether it's fixing me a meal that I either didn't end up eating or only ate two bites of, or cleaning up after my messes in the kitchen.  Thank you for cleaning up after me outside the kitchen as well, as this body has made SO many messes the past few months!!!  And thanks for doing my laundry and cleaning my room when I'm too weak, just so I feel at peace.  Thank you for always being there when I needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to me vent about how sick and tired I am of being a cancer patient.  Thank you for always telling me how beautiful I am when I tell you I feel like an ugly cut-up beat-up rag-doll.  Thank you for always listening to me and helping me to sort through my tumultuous emotions about cancer and life.  Thank you for staying up late with me and sitting with me till I fall asleep, just so I don't have to feel alone.  Thank you for dragging me out in public when all I want to do is lay in my little crawled-up ball.  Thank you for fighting all my insurance claims - personal and at work (the ones I get stuck on! lol).  Thank you for holding the fort down at the office while I've been gone soooo much, and answering pretty much all the phone calls when I was in chemo-land.

Thank you for, when I told you I had cancer, not just crying and commiserating with me, but telling me to own it: "Tell yourself you have cancer, and that you're going to deal with it, and you will get through this."  Initially I was so scared of dying, but since you told me that right off the bat I haven't worried about dying since then.  Thank you for always helping me to stay positive, and keep my faith.

You tell people that it should have been you that got cancer, and I tell them I am so thankful it was NOT you, because I know that watching you go through what I have gone through would have been too hard for me.  I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for this journey, and if I didn't have you there always showing me and reminding me what true strength and faith are.  Plus Dad couldn't have handled that LOL :)

Thank you for all you've done even before I got sick.  Thank you for carrying me for (almost lol) 9 months, giving birth to me, raising me, loving me, disciplining me, and all the other things you've done for me.  Thank you for always being patient, kind, and giving to me, and to everyone you meet.  You are truly a gift from our great God, and I am so thankful for that.  You are the most strong and amazing person I know, and I am blessed and honored to be your daughter.  <3  And your roommate and co-worker as well!  I love you more than I have words to express.  Now, can you please bring me another box of kleenex?  ;) <3