It pains me to admit this. I am kind of tired of fighting already, and the war has just begun. I've already had won some battles, but they have depleted me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so thankful for all of my friends and family, for each thought, prayer, and message gives me enough strength to face the next moment. If I am silent, it's because I only have the energy and strength to take the next step. And that's only because of your love, and the love, grace, and mercy of our wonderful God. I know that God has so much more in store for me and my future, but I have to concentrate on getting myself well, so that I can do the work He has set before me - helping others!
I haven't slept the past two nights, which is not abnormal for anyone nowdays. I'm sure it will take a little while to get settled in the new place, but I do love it here! My port is still tender, and it just kind of drives me nuts (like my expanders did initially). I didn't realize how far up the body the port catheter goes, and it's driving my neck bonkers! But it will be way better than having IVs, I know.
But I don't want chemo. I don't want radiation. I felt so strong and empowered, and now that I know I will start chemo in a couple of weeks, I don't want to start. Having been through chiropractic school, where we firmly believe in all things natural and only natural, the thought of WILLINGLY injecting some serious toxins into my body for an entire year makes me cringe. And makes me want to cry. And scream, and throw myself on the floor and have myself a little 31-year-old hissy fit (a lot like some of the kids in my best friend Ashlea's preschool class!).
However, I know that I need these toxins to continue to fight this war. I've thought about it and prayed about it, and I know this, with God's help, is what will give me victory. Sometimes, when I'm thinking about (ok, freaking out about) all the chemo drugs, I think about all the other crap (there's no better word choice there, I tried to think of one but I got nothing at 4 am!) that I've put into my body. Years upon years of poor nutrition (I should have won the most un-healthiest vegan award many years ago), lack of exercise (ok it'll give myself credit, I exercised on multiple occasions throughout the years...just not consistently), drank my share of alcohol (those bottles of wine weren't going to drink themselves! And I shared on occasion...). The worst was probably the sugar addiction. All those boxes of Little Debbies that claimed to have 5 or 6 servings, but I only saw 1 serving per box! Same with Oreos...who gets more than 2 servings out of one if those packages?!?
But I digress.
I've willingly cleaned up my diet, and have felt better than ever; yet as Chemo Day 1 approaches, I want to give up on that and just go to Connie's Cookies, get a dozen of those amazingly soft and delicious cookies, and eat them all. For breakfast. Then there'd be a stop at a Panera bakery for some pastries for lunch. Maybe through a bread bowl of soup in there, just to make sure I get my carbs. But before I plan my dinner, I'll just stop with my fantasy, because I know now that I can resist these temptations. Thank goodness for Christ, helping to set us free from our sins!!! (Gluttony, in my case...major gluttony!).
I feel like I initially set out to have a point with this post, but I don't remember what it was now! So it's time to finish my Bible reading for the day and spend some time in prayer, so that I can have the strength to face the day. Thank you all again for everything...God bless!!!
Ooo, and I did go wig shopping with my momma, and we had a blast!!! I picked out two wigs: one for "daily" wear, and the other for fun. I am no longer worried about losing my hair!!! 😀