Something I Previously Enjoyed

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of day.  I also liked waking up to a fresh, new morning that was full of possibilities, but bedtime was always the best.  It felt so good to lay down on a comfy mattress in soft sheets, curl up with a pillow and my cat, and drift off into restful sleep.  No matter what else happened during the course of a day, I could always count on the joy of going to bed at night.

Until halfway through my cancer treatment.

Other than generalized anxiety, I'm still not sure what has triggered this new insomnia trend.  Even through the worst of chemo I was always able to sleep at least 5 hours per night.  I know many people who have struggled with insomnia, and it always seemed awful.  Now I can confirm that it is!  I've started dreading and even fearing going to bed at night, because it seems that's when the demons attack.  What used to feel like a calm, quiet, relaxing time is now seems to be stormy, and loud (with thoughts) time.  Even darkness, which used to trigger relaxation, now made me feel alone, anxious, and constantly reminded me of death.  I started going to sleep with a light on, which probably was not helpful (since supposedly it messes with your awake-sleep cycle or what not), but it helped me to relax a bit.  It seemed like if I could see things around me, then I would be ok; but when things are dark and I can't see, then it's like my life is slipping away.  What a mess in my little head!!! lol...

I also seem to have developed some sort of restless leg action as well.  After my second round of chemo, I had experienced something like this with the "crawling" sensations, but this was more than just crawling.  I felt that if I didn't get up and move my legs I would seriously explode.  W T F!!!  So bedtime isn't the good time it used to be for me, lol.    

I am so thankful that this devotional (which I recommend for any woman going through cancer; and THANK YOU PAM!) came into my life at the perfect time!  Psalm 91 was part of the scripture readings for today, which reads (and I like this one because it's a good reminder of upcoming Memorial Day):

I love verse 5 that says, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  This is the best reminder that God is watching over us at all times of the day, and that even though I have been feeling anxious and alone and scared, He is always with us and protecting us.  We need not fear the dark of night, or even the arrows (doctor's appointments, work and life stresses, etc) that may try to attack us during the day.  The NIV Life Application Bible sums it all up perfectly: "God is a shelter, a refuge when we are afraid.  The writer's faith in the Almighty God as Protector would carry us through all the dangers and fears of life.  This should be a picture of our trust - trading all our fears for faith in him, no matter how intense our fears.  To do this we must 'dwell' and 'rest' with him.  By entrusting ourselves to his protection and pledging our daily devotion to him, we will be kept safe."

Ok side note: I've been anxious since noon today that I haven't received a call about radiation yet, as I was hoping to start next week.  As I was finishing typing the above quote, guess what - my phone rang, and I start radiation at 3:30 on Monday!!!  Oh how I still need to learn to TRULY and FULLY trust Him!!!  And now I'm distracted and unfocused so I will wrap this up with a quick update lol.  I got my right expander mostly deflated on Tuesday, and I was SO WORRIED about walking around with lopsided breasts!  Mostly because of my OCD brain!  But it's not as bad as I thought, and doesn't look as bad as I thought either thankfully.  I went bra shopping with my bestie last weekend (which I was VERY anxious about, to the point of having a meltdown outside Victoria's Secret...so thankful for best friends!) and got me a bra that kinda helps keep the shape over on the right for me.  I also got to enjoy a Royals game with my fab coworkers this week (and a game the week before for Mom's B-Day!), which was a BLAST; plus we won!!!  Doc even got us a premium parking pass so we LITERALLY parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the stadium (because walking long distances is still a struggle for me...getting better, but I'd rather spend my energy walking to the Fountain Bar to get a Royal Rita than walking through the parking lot, I'LL BE HONEST! lol...also we discovered that you're practically a celebrity if you walk around the stadium with a Royal Rita, so be prepared!) and covered seats in case I'd start radiation treatment...so awesome!  And my man Dyson did AWESOME!  So even with a lopsided chest, it's been a great week :)  Ok thanks again ya'll for your love and support, and God bless!!!  <3

Dyson at bat!

 BRRR it was SO COLD when we went for Mom's b-day!  

D'awwww!!!  Those feet tho...LMAO! 

Chemo #5!!! Ice Ice Baby!!! :D

Here's chemo rap for round #5 today!!!  Ice, Ice, BABY!!!  :)  God bless!!!

Communication

If God appeared to you and told you to do something, how would you respond?  Would you respond with immediate acceptance, or with questions and hesitations?  When God appeared to Moses in Exodus 3, He had the following message: "So now, go.  I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt."  Wow - that is QUITE the project!  Moses responded with hesitation to God's message, and questioned God's decision in choosing him.  As an Egyptian Prince-turned-shepherd, Moses doubted that anyone would listen to him or believe him.  He also doubted that he would be able to effectively deliver the message, as he was not a good speaker.

How often do you feel the same way about things God has called you to do in your every day life?   Whether it is delivering a message to a crowd, or just having a tough conversation with your boss, coworker, family member, or friend, how often do we doubt our abilities?  We may doubt that our boss or coworkers will believe, understand, or agree with our ideas or opinions.  We may worry that our friends or family members will be offended or upset with something we need to discuss with them.  In Exodus 4:1, Moses asked God, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, The Lord did not appear to you?'" The NIV Life Application Study Bible explains: "Moses' reluctance and fear were caused by over-anticipation.  He was worried about how the people might respond to him.  We often build up events in our minds and then panic over what might go wrong.  God does not ask us to go where he has not provided the means to help.  Go where he leads, trusting him to supply courage, confidence, and resources at the right moment."  Instead of worrying about these conversations and events, have faith and know that God is with you at all times - even in these difficult situations.

Since Moses struggled with speaking, he requested of God to "Pardon your servant, Lord.  I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant.  I am slow of speech and tongue" (Exodus 4:10 NIV).  Never been eloquent...story of my life!!!  :)  Often times, we feel inadequate in a variety of ways.  I know that I often struggle with effective communication in all of my relationships, even when it's not a difficult situation.  We can have confidence in the same words that God said to Moses: "Who gave human beings their mouths?  Who makes them deaf or mute?  Who gives them sight or makes them blind?  Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12 NIV).  What great assurance we can have, knowing that God will equip us to do whatever He asks us to do, despite our weaknesses.  We must trust that He will provide us with the confidence, peace, abilities, and wisdom to do what he has called us to do.  All throughout your daily life, focus on drawing Him close, and letting Him help you with every task.  God bless!!!  :)