This One's for You, Cara

It is with a heavy, heavy heart I wrote this post. I've been mentally writing blogs in my head over the past few months, but haven't had the actual drive to sit down and write one. I honestly don't know if I can find the words to say, however this one needs to be written.

My beautiful friend Cara (this pic is of us at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer breakfast last August) finished kicking cancer's ass last year. She did not let several rounds of intense chemo, followed by a mastectomy, and then a clinical trial (maybe radiation, etc, I cannot remember) slow her down - this chick has been running marathons since then! Before I even met her I had a bond with her, as she had the Natalie healing chair for her mastectomy recovery (I love all those women, it's a special bond I will never be able to describe...the Healing Chair is a sisterhood unlike any other, even just the regular breast cancer sisterhood...it's amazing). Cara is an amazing woman, friend, wife, and mother. Even as she was doing treatment, she sent me things like cards made by her first grade class (which I still have, and are FREAKING adorable). I pulled those cards out last night and looked through them, after I heard the news. For all those who are not Cara, here are my thoughts and feelings, and how you can help (prayer and encouragement please, and etc); and Cara...these are my words to you, and please excuse the profanity.

Cara, I can't even imagine having heard this news, and it physically pains my heart to think about it. You go in for some simple stomach aches, and come out with the news that you have tumors on your liver and both lungs now?! Stage 4 metastatic triple-negative breast cancer.

Fuck you, cancer. Fuck you.

I am angry and sad and scared for you, and your family. And, of course, for myself. This is what all of us survivors fear, yet try not to live in fear of. You have inspired me so much, more than you will ever know. You and your husband are such incredible and positive people, and you take such good care of yourselves; how the fuck did this happen?! HOW?! I won't even begin to ask why. I have changed my own diet and lifestyle (more whole foods, gluten free and dairy free, almost completely given up alcohol [as it can increase my risk of recurrence 90% since my tumor was estrogen-positive], exercising more, stressing less, etc), but you were like PERFECT about all that (as far as I know). I feel guilty for complaining about "having to" make those changes, and about having to take tamoxifen. A little brain fog is nothing compared to that triple-negative bullshit you've had to deal with. I am a huge believer in spiritual warfare, and I am so thankful for yours and Josh's examples of incredibly strong faith. I cannot thank you both enough for you guys just being who you are. I am just pissed off that you have to deal with this; yet I know if anyone can fight this shit, it will be you. I know God "gives" (I don't believe he GIVES them to us, Satan does, but I know God will use this journey for good) his toughest battles to his toughest warriors, and you are the toughest warrior I have ever met (besides my grandma, who has kicked stage-4 ovarian cancer's ass twice...thus, I know you can do it too...as she is still alive and kicking 10 years later). Ok sorry that was so rambly, but I wanted you and the world to know how fucked up cancer is, and how we need a cure for all types of cancer.

Fuck you, cancer. You've messed with the wrong woman twice now - she will KICK YOUR ASS AGAIN.

Here is info on how to help...I will be ordering a shirt, please let me know if you want one as well!!!!! And please please PLEASE keep them in your thoughts and prayers <3

Planned Parenthood - Natalie Style!

So, how does one start a blog post that's very, very personal???  Yeah, no clue...so I'll dive right in!!! lol...ok so yes...while we believe my fertility is most likely shot, there's no way of guaranteeing that I will for sure not get pregnant.  Unless I am completely abstinent for the rest of my life; which, yeah...probably not going to happen for the girl who made sugar cookies with "SEX" written on them in red food gel lettering on them in high school!!!  *facepalm for my high school self* 

Le sigh...

Anyways, when I first thought I wanted to blog about this topic, I questioned my motives.  I've never actually questioned my "why am I sharing this" before, because I always just knew it was because I wanted to educate, encourage, and inspire others.  Also, up until now, everything has been relatively easy to share, because all of my decisions have been widely accepted and understood by all of my family, friends, and people in general.  Reproduction is the only subject I've received any condemnation on, which is why I questioned my motives for sharing all this.  Do I feel the need to justify my decisions?  Do I think that I need approval from others?  Or do I truly want to be transparent about this deeply sensitive, emotional, and almost taboo topic, in hope that it educates and helps others?  

After a lot of contemplation, it is my hope and prayer that you read this with an open mind and and open heart; which is how we should approach everyone in life.  I do not expect everyone to understand, but I hope it gives you some insight into the lives and minds of those of us who willingly choose to not have children of our own.  

While I am still prayerfully considering my options, I know in my heart what is best for me, my body, and my life; and also what I want most.  Pretty much all of my healthcare-related decisions up until this point have really only affected ME; deciding to permanently sterilize oneself directly affects others, especially any future spouse.  All my decisions up until now have been pretty easy to make: 

• Surgery:  Lumpectomy?  Mastectomy?  Single or double?  Reconstruction?  FLAP/TRAM, expanders/implants, or nothing?  Nipple conservation?  Nipple reconstruction?  3D tattoos?  Saline, silicone, or gummy?  Teardrop or round?  For me, this was the easiest decision to make...the night I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted my breasts completely removed, so I could have brand new ones!!!  LOL...thank the Lord for giving me tiny breasts to begin with, so that it was an easy decision!  
• Chemotherapy:  A controversial topic in and of itself, especially when you come from a natural health background.  Not only does it involve the decision to undergo chemo (are the short and long-term side effect risks worth the benefits?  Should I do chemo first?), but also do you want to get a port or picc line?  This was also an easy decision for me, thankfully.  I knew I wanted to get a power port, and do absolutely everything I could to save my life; even if it included going through hell with chemotherapy...because I knew I would be going to hell and back.  And I wanted to come back and stick around here for a long time!  
• Radiation:  I dreaded this for some reason, I think because I had a feeling it would make me tired.  It did, of course, but I trusted my doctors, my knowledge and research, my gut instincts, and of course God to help me know that this was another good choice for me.  
• Tamoxifen:  Still up for debate on this one, but it's still a much easier decision to take this pill for 10 years than decide on reproductive options.

Speaking of Tamoxifen, this is one factor that's helped me make my decision.  Tamoxifen is an estrogen-blocker that is an oral medication taken daily that stops estrogen-positive cancers from coming back.  Since my cancer THRIVED on estrogen, this is a very good option for me.  It is supposed to be taken for 10 years, and you are not supposed to get pregnant during this time (due to teratogenic effects).  My 10 years will basically be starting at age 33 for me, which will make me 43 when I finish the course.  

Personally, I know I don't want to be giving birth to and raising children at age 43, for many reasons that I'm sure you can imagine.  Yes, I could stop the medication at some point, but I know that the worry of "OMG will my hormones going out of whack bring my tumor back?!?  What if it grows back and I have this child and then die from cancer?!?"  Yes, those are extreme thoughts and worries, but I know myself well enough to know that those concerns would overwhelm me, and Natalie does not do well when she is stressed out (as we have seen by Natalie getting cancer previously).  :)  

So what is a girl to do when she does not want to get pregnant, but wants to have sex someday lol, and cannot have any form of hormonal birth control?  

I had a nice conversation with my oncologist yesterday about my options.  I'm sure I will review them with her in more detail, as well as with my OBGYN, but with my mother dearest and my dear boyfriend in the room with me, I just wanted an overview and short discussion of my current options, which for me include: IUD, medically-induced menopause (I'm currently in peri-menopause), tubal ligation, or ovary removal.  Just some minor things...

My first thought with an IUD was "What?!  I don't want a foreign implant in my body!!!"  Then remembered I have two large foreign implants sitting in my body right now!  So what makes an IUD any different???  As far as it being a foreign object, there is no difference really, but for me physically it is not the best option.  Medically-induced menopause?  Um...SCARY!!!  As is ovary removal!!!  I'm thankful I don't have any of the BRCA gene mutations, or else they'd definitely want to be harvesting my ovaries!  I really feel for all my friends who are having theirs out...love you guys (well, girls...you're amazing! <3 ).  So while it's not a done deal, a tubal ligation is most likely my best option for me, both personally and physically.  

So, if I CAN have something reversible, why wouldn't I want that?  Because I know, in my heart, that I do not want to produce children with my body, or with my eggs (over the past year I've realized I don't want my DNA passed on...which sounds silly I know, but with all of my issues and family history issues...yeah no lol).  As crazy as it sounds (and believe me, I have been told by MANY people over many years [and especially over the past year] that this is crazy, that there must be something wrong with me, that I'm not a REAL woman, etc etc...) I have never really wanted children of my own; nor have I ever had the desire to be pregnant or give birth.  I know, many of you are reading this and going WHAT?!?  Because I know many of you want nothing more than to become pregnant with your own child, to carry your own child, and to give birth to your child.  And I think that is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and you know I keep you in my prayers.  I am thankful, however, that this is something God has never put on my heart.  I had never understood it, and I always DID think I was weird or that something was wrong with me; but when I was diagnosed with cancer, and heard that I could possibly never had children, it all made sense and I thanked God.  

I did always wonder that if I met the right person, and was in the right relationship, I might change my mind.  But I have (FINALLY! ;) met the right person, and am in the right relationship, and my feelings have not changed.  I can't predict the future, and I could be wrong, but I do not forsee myself ever changing my mind on this one.  

How can I say this with such confidence?  Well, for one, I have always known that if I were to want children, I want to adopt them.  Not to liken children to animals, but I've always felt about children like I do about animals:  there are SO MANY IN THE WORLD WHO DON'T HAVE HOMES, or people to love them!!!  I can't handle thinking about all the animals in shelters...OMG it breaks me heart and brings me to tears if I even start to think about it!!!  And if I see one of those blasted ASPCA etc commercials, even just for one nanosecond of a mangy animal who has that look of heartbreak in their eyes, I'm emotionally ruined for a week.  

So when I picture children like that, my heart breaks a million times over. 

No offense to animal breeders, because those animals need homes too; but there are already SO MANY who need homes!  And for me, it is that way with children too: there area already SO MANY who need homes and love and care; why would I NOT choose them???  I know that probably sounds ridiculous and crazy, but for some crazy reason (maybe because I AM crazy? lol) I've always felt that way, and had that opinion.  

Now, know that I've already gotten a lot of crap about this too throughout my life: 

• "Why would you want to raise someone else's kids?!?"  Because SOMEONE HAS TO!  And why NOT me???  Because, if not me, then who else will show them and give them the love, encouragement, support, etc that they need?  
• "You just don't know what you're getting when you adopt!"  LOL...this one always cracks me up, because you know what???  You don't know what you're getting with LIFE!!!  As soon as you enter this world, you don't know what you're getting!  We aren't guaranteed anything in life; we're not even guaranteed tomorrow.  You might be the most perfect person, with the most perfect spouse, with the most perfect DNA (which none of that even exists); but until Jesus returns this world ain't perfect, and your children will be out in this crazy, corrupted world...so you don't really know what you're getting with anything (especially with kids!).  Until we truly solve the whole nature vs. nuture debate, I'll just keep my mind focused on Jesus.  
• "But what if they grow up and kill you?  Or kill others?"  My first response is typically, "Well what if YOUR children grow up and kill YOU, or others?"  Thankfully, I'm ususally shocked into silence long enough for my filter to kick in, and I don't actually say that.  My usual response is, "Ok, if they kill or harm or do bad stuff, yep that would be horrible; I cannot imagine that!  And if they kill me, well then I'll be up in heaven with Jesus!  And how many non-adopted children grow up and do bad things?  But seriously, we can't fear the future for any reason.  We can fear the future for so many reasons, but if we do that then we will miss out on so many of the amazing things that God has in store for us!"  And then they are the ones who are silenced.   
• "Oh, you will change your mind someday!"  Mmm...I haven't in 33 years now...maybe, but doubtful.  And if I do, well I know God will get me through that too!  
• ETC ETC!!! :)  

The best thing of all?  I have the most amazing and supportive family, friends, and boyfriend...without them, we all know I would not have made it this far in my journey; analld I surely could not be making a decision like this.  And my boyfriend, ahhhh dear Austin, what an amazing man!  I've been so blessed to have SO MANY "God things" and God-sends and gifts that I know are directly from God in my life time, and Austin is one of the best!  He is literally the man I've been looking for and praying for my whole life, and it amazes me every day that I have been blessed with such a perfect gift.  I could write so much on how and why I know he is a gift from God, but I'll keep this short and sweet: From the very beginning we've been on the same page about having children, and the dude is more than open and willing to adopt (and his reasons would melt your heart!).  Plus,any man that can sit through a doctor's appointment and listen to all the things discussed yesterday (as if hearing that your girlfriend should probably have her tubes tied isn't bad enough, all the other bodily conversations and what not were fun to listen to also I'm sure!) and not run out of the room and hold my hand during chemotherapy is simply amazing...simply perfect <3 

I'm amazed every single day at how my life has changed for the better since my cancer diagnosis.  Never in a million years did I think I would have cancer at age 31; and never in a million years did I think I would kick cancer's ass and come out happier and better than ever!  

Ok, so that was a lot!  Thank you for reading, I hope you learned something or at least have some insight into us crazy, weird, strange women who are different than "normal" women.  Now I have that song (I think it's from Sesame Street???) that goes like, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong!" stuck in my head! LOL!!!  Except I know where I belong...right here, right now, right where God has me.  Love you all so much, and thank you <3 <3 <3 

More than Fireworks

 HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!! 

It seems that everything is a 
little sweeter once you've been affected by cancer.  
Letters and notes from friends are more meaningful, rainy days are still considered beautiful, and smiles from strangers are more powerful.  


In the same spirit, I am more thankful than ever today to celebrate Independence Day! 
Memorial Day was also more meaningful for me this year.  



I am so thankful to live in a country where we can pretty much do as we please; land of the free because of the brave; and I am super thankful for those who founded this country and for those who have served and fought to keep it.  Because of them I am free to do so many things that millions of others around the world cannot do.  
I am free to write and publicly share my thoughts, feeling, and opinions (I love that first amendment!).  I am free to work at a job I love, with people I adore, and spend time with family and friends.  I am free to seek and receive treatment for cancer and any other ailments.  I am free to worship God and openly express my love and gratitude for Jesus Christ, without fear of consequences.  Just as we find freedom in Jesus, we find freedom here in America; thank God for both of those!

Regardless of politics, opinions, and the upcoming election, I hope and pray that we all just celebrate this day for what it is, and remember how we got here.  Oh, and STAY SAFE!!!  God bless, and Happy 4th of July!!!  :)  

Something I Previously Enjoyed

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of day.  I also liked waking up to a fresh, new morning that was full of possibilities, but bedtime was always the best.  It felt so good to lay down on a comfy mattress in soft sheets, curl up with a pillow and my cat, and drift off into restful sleep.  No matter what else happened during the course of a day, I could always count on the joy of going to bed at night.

Until halfway through my cancer treatment.

Other than generalized anxiety, I'm still not sure what has triggered this new insomnia trend.  Even through the worst of chemo I was always able to sleep at least 5 hours per night.  I know many people who have struggled with insomnia, and it always seemed awful.  Now I can confirm that it is!  I've started dreading and even fearing going to bed at night, because it seems that's when the demons attack.  What used to feel like a calm, quiet, relaxing time is now seems to be stormy, and loud (with thoughts) time.  Even darkness, which used to trigger relaxation, now made me feel alone, anxious, and constantly reminded me of death.  I started going to sleep with a light on, which probably was not helpful (since supposedly it messes with your awake-sleep cycle or what not), but it helped me to relax a bit.  It seemed like if I could see things around me, then I would be ok; but when things are dark and I can't see, then it's like my life is slipping away.  What a mess in my little head!!! lol...

I also seem to have developed some sort of restless leg action as well.  After my second round of chemo, I had experienced something like this with the "crawling" sensations, but this was more than just crawling.  I felt that if I didn't get up and move my legs I would seriously explode.  W T F!!!  So bedtime isn't the good time it used to be for me, lol.    

I am so thankful that this devotional (which I recommend for any woman going through cancer; and THANK YOU PAM!) came into my life at the perfect time!  Psalm 91 was part of the scripture readings for today, which reads (and I like this one because it's a good reminder of upcoming Memorial Day):

I love verse 5 that says, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  This is the best reminder that God is watching over us at all times of the day, and that even though I have been feeling anxious and alone and scared, He is always with us and protecting us.  We need not fear the dark of night, or even the arrows (doctor's appointments, work and life stresses, etc) that may try to attack us during the day.  The NIV Life Application Bible sums it all up perfectly: "God is a shelter, a refuge when we are afraid.  The writer's faith in the Almighty God as Protector would carry us through all the dangers and fears of life.  This should be a picture of our trust - trading all our fears for faith in him, no matter how intense our fears.  To do this we must 'dwell' and 'rest' with him.  By entrusting ourselves to his protection and pledging our daily devotion to him, we will be kept safe."

Ok side note: I've been anxious since noon today that I haven't received a call about radiation yet, as I was hoping to start next week.  As I was finishing typing the above quote, guess what - my phone rang, and I start radiation at 3:30 on Monday!!!  Oh how I still need to learn to TRULY and FULLY trust Him!!!  And now I'm distracted and unfocused so I will wrap this up with a quick update lol.  I got my right expander mostly deflated on Tuesday, and I was SO WORRIED about walking around with lopsided breasts!  Mostly because of my OCD brain!  But it's not as bad as I thought, and doesn't look as bad as I thought either thankfully.  I went bra shopping with my bestie last weekend (which I was VERY anxious about, to the point of having a meltdown outside Victoria's Secret...so thankful for best friends!) and got me a bra that kinda helps keep the shape over on the right for me.  I also got to enjoy a Royals game with my fab coworkers this week (and a game the week before for Mom's B-Day!), which was a BLAST; plus we won!!!  Doc even got us a premium parking pass so we LITERALLY parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the stadium (because walking long distances is still a struggle for me...getting better, but I'd rather spend my energy walking to the Fountain Bar to get a Royal Rita than walking through the parking lot, I'LL BE HONEST! lol...also we discovered that you're practically a celebrity if you walk around the stadium with a Royal Rita, so be prepared!) and covered seats in case I'd start radiation treatment...so awesome!  And my man Dyson did AWESOME!  So even with a lopsided chest, it's been a great week :)  Ok thanks again ya'll for your love and support, and God bless!!!  <3

Dyson at bat!

 BRRR it was SO COLD when we went for Mom's b-day!  

D'awwww!!!  Those feet tho...LMAO! 

Round #3, In Pictures :)

This blog is mostly pictures - yay for those who don't like to read!!!  (AKA my beloved boyfriend :)

This round was, again, different from the one before it!  Lots more nausea this time (still not horrible, thankfully), and my hands that had started cracking have started bleeding.  I've started sleeping with vinyl gloves on, over layers of lotion and vaseline!!!  Thanks Mom for the tip, it seems to be helping, yay! :D  

Last week left hand:

This week left hand (ouch!): 

But thankfully my nails still look awesome!!!

My BFF came out to hang at my last treatment (thank you Ashlea!!! :D ):

Ashlea also took me to the KU vs UK game last weekend, which was a BLAST!  We even went dancing afterwards, woot woot!!!  

ROCK CHALK!!!  

It was LOUD and HOT but FUN!!!  This is the decibel meter!  

Of course, I had to go shopping for a cute KU shirt before the game: 

I could've passed for a player, right?!  I loved this jersey-shirt, but it was too scratchy :-/ 

A delicious meal, HOME MADE pasta, brought by a beautiful survivor friend!  

A pretty pattern on a chilly morning:  

A GORGEOUS sunrise...it looks like the sky is on fire!  Amazing!  

Coffee at my favorite coffee house with Dad!  

 A beautiful plant from a referral office, that led to meeting another beautiful survivor!  

A chicken and cheese meal my brother cooked for me, and I LOVE the face that came in the cheese!!!  LOL!   

He also had us over to his apartment and cooked amazing brussels sprouts!!!  With chicken :)  And we got to play with his and Sarah's adorable new cat Pippin!!!

A beautiful sunset!

My buddy, always full of snuggles when I get home from chemo!  

All in all, the past few weeks have been a blast!  I've also gotten to hang out with other friends (thank you Katie for FINALLY introducing me to The Goldbergs - HILARIOUS!) and my coworkers (yay margaritas!!!  Love you guys! :).  Round #4 is this coming Friday...bring it on!!!  Hope you all are having a blessed weekend :) <3