Something I Previously Enjoyed

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of day.  I also liked waking up to a fresh, new morning that was full of possibilities, but bedtime was always the best.  It felt so good to lay down on a comfy mattress in soft sheets, curl up with a pillow and my cat, and drift off into restful sleep.  No matter what else happened during the course of a day, I could always count on the joy of going to bed at night.

Until halfway through my cancer treatment.

Other than generalized anxiety, I'm still not sure what has triggered this new insomnia trend.  Even through the worst of chemo I was always able to sleep at least 5 hours per night.  I know many people who have struggled with insomnia, and it always seemed awful.  Now I can confirm that it is!  I've started dreading and even fearing going to bed at night, because it seems that's when the demons attack.  What used to feel like a calm, quiet, relaxing time is now seems to be stormy, and loud (with thoughts) time.  Even darkness, which used to trigger relaxation, now made me feel alone, anxious, and constantly reminded me of death.  I started going to sleep with a light on, which probably was not helpful (since supposedly it messes with your awake-sleep cycle or what not), but it helped me to relax a bit.  It seemed like if I could see things around me, then I would be ok; but when things are dark and I can't see, then it's like my life is slipping away.  What a mess in my little head!!! lol...

I also seem to have developed some sort of restless leg action as well.  After my second round of chemo, I had experienced something like this with the "crawling" sensations, but this was more than just crawling.  I felt that if I didn't get up and move my legs I would seriously explode.  W T F!!!  So bedtime isn't the good time it used to be for me, lol.    

I am so thankful that this devotional (which I recommend for any woman going through cancer; and THANK YOU PAM!) came into my life at the perfect time!  Psalm 91 was part of the scripture readings for today, which reads (and I like this one because it's a good reminder of upcoming Memorial Day):

I love verse 5 that says, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  This is the best reminder that God is watching over us at all times of the day, and that even though I have been feeling anxious and alone and scared, He is always with us and protecting us.  We need not fear the dark of night, or even the arrows (doctor's appointments, work and life stresses, etc) that may try to attack us during the day.  The NIV Life Application Bible sums it all up perfectly: "God is a shelter, a refuge when we are afraid.  The writer's faith in the Almighty God as Protector would carry us through all the dangers and fears of life.  This should be a picture of our trust - trading all our fears for faith in him, no matter how intense our fears.  To do this we must 'dwell' and 'rest' with him.  By entrusting ourselves to his protection and pledging our daily devotion to him, we will be kept safe."

Ok side note: I've been anxious since noon today that I haven't received a call about radiation yet, as I was hoping to start next week.  As I was finishing typing the above quote, guess what - my phone rang, and I start radiation at 3:30 on Monday!!!  Oh how I still need to learn to TRULY and FULLY trust Him!!!  And now I'm distracted and unfocused so I will wrap this up with a quick update lol.  I got my right expander mostly deflated on Tuesday, and I was SO WORRIED about walking around with lopsided breasts!  Mostly because of my OCD brain!  But it's not as bad as I thought, and doesn't look as bad as I thought either thankfully.  I went bra shopping with my bestie last weekend (which I was VERY anxious about, to the point of having a meltdown outside Victoria's Secret...so thankful for best friends!) and got me a bra that kinda helps keep the shape over on the right for me.  I also got to enjoy a Royals game with my fab coworkers this week (and a game the week before for Mom's B-Day!), which was a BLAST; plus we won!!!  Doc even got us a premium parking pass so we LITERALLY parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the stadium (because walking long distances is still a struggle for me...getting better, but I'd rather spend my energy walking to the Fountain Bar to get a Royal Rita than walking through the parking lot, I'LL BE HONEST! lol...also we discovered that you're practically a celebrity if you walk around the stadium with a Royal Rita, so be prepared!) and covered seats in case I'd start radiation treatment...so awesome!  And my man Dyson did AWESOME!  So even with a lopsided chest, it's been a great week :)  Ok thanks again ya'll for your love and support, and God bless!!!  <3

Dyson at bat!

 BRRR it was SO COLD when we went for Mom's b-day!  

D'awwww!!!  Those feet tho...LMAO! 

Devotion Time Blues and a Makeup Review!

There are many authors I love, but one that I regularly thank God for is Lysa TerKerust.  The current Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study is on her book "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl," and just like all of Lysa's books, I find myself wanting to highlight and remember virtually every single sentence.  The chapter I read today, "Devotion Time Blues," reminded me of why I need to make it a top priority to spend time with God each and every morning.

For a couple of months now, I have felt that it is of utmost importance to put on all my makeup every morning.  I think that if I feel good about how I look (less like a cancer patient, and more like the 32 year old fun-loving gal I am), then I will feel good about myself and my day will go smoothly.  While I do believe that it's important to feel good about ourselves, including how we look, it's even more important to remember how we look and feel inside.  I can paint on eyebrows, put mascara on my sparse eyelashes, highlight and contour and do whatever all else I want to try and look pretty; but if I do not feel pretty on the inside, then it doesn't matter if I'm bald or a beauty queen.  Or a bald beauty queen!  Spending time with God, and His word, every single morning is crucial to not only surviving the day, but enjoying it as well.  

***On a (very important) side note, I discovered an AMAZING eyebrow line, Anastasia Beverly Hills.  A patient recommended this last week, and I picked some brow powder up at Ulta last night and it is literally AMAZING (see pics down below!).  Definitely get this duo angle/spooley brush with it too (spooley is my new favorite word!).  This little thing should last years, I hardly used any of it and my brows looked fab!  I'm glad it was way easier than a pencil to apply and get a natural looking brow.

Some quotes from the chapter (these are my faves, I could have quoted the entire chapter!):

• "Why is it so important to spend time with Jesus every day?  Because He will give us the exact instruction and comfort we need to handle all He sees coming our way - how to act and, even more challenging, how to react in every situation.  It is the perfect measure of His peace, packaged up just for us.  With great expectation, we can stick it in our pocket and carry it with us.  Instead of being slaves to our emotions and reacting based on our feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what."  
• "It seems like such an elementary thing to state that we should spend time with Jesus and read the Bible every day...but it's amazing how I'll sit down to do this and suddenly a million urgent action items flood my brain.  Suddenly it's so tempting to answer an email, throw in a load of laundry, write out a grocery list, and start getting my day in order.  However, if I fail to get my heart in order first, I am guaranteeing myself a misplaced attitude that day.  Hands down.  Without exception.  If I don't spend a time with Jesus, my reactions will be harsher, my perspectives a little more self-centered, my emotions a little more on edge, and my tongue a little less grace-filled."  
• "Oh, how we underestimate the power made available to us when we spend time with God.  Our earthly eyes are so limited because they don't allow us to see what is happening in the heavenly realm.  A daily battle is being fought for our attention and our devotion.  Satan would love nothing more than to keep us separated from the power God gives us during our time with Him.  It's time to stop feeling guilty and ill-equipped and start embracing the incredible privilege to meet with Jesus every day."  
• "There are many ways I can choose to react when things happen each day.  I can choose the way of 'It's my right to be frustrated.'  I can choose the way of 'Doesn't anyone listen to me around here?'  I can choose the way of ' Do you know how this makes me feel?'  Or, I can choose to let God teach me His way.  My way leads to all kinds of runaway feelings that pull me away from the truth and into an absolute pit of yuck.  His way leads to calmly finding a solution without all the anger and frustration.  His way leads to me being able to extend grace - the same grace I so desperately need myself.  And His way leads me to the truth."  

And now for more pictures!  :)  Have a blessed week ya'll!!!

Before brow magic (I found pink ribbon cider!!!)

After brow magic (aren't we cute?!)

This cookie is so cute and sparkly, I had to share!  And the plate was cool too!!!  The host of the part is a graphic designer, so everything looked cool! :D   

For a Reason

Along with my "Favorite Scriptures" post, this one will be a work in progress too - a collection of inspiring and motivational quotes for when times get tough, lonely, or things are confusing :)  

Lysa TerKeurst:

• "Whatever God says do, DO IT!!!"  
• "Being a woman who says yes to God means making the choice to trust Him even when you can't understand why He requires some of the things He does.  It also means that once you've said yes to God, you refuse to turn back even when things get hard."  
• "When you give up what's not yours, when you listen and respond to God, the blessings will be more radical and more amazing than you ever imagined!

Mandy Hale:

• "You can only attract what you already are.  So if you want it, become it!"
• "When you are on the rise, some people are going to be left behind.  Not everyone's meant to go where you're going." 
• "Beautiful is the woman who knows herself, loves herself, and accepts herself...just as the way she is."  
• "Sometimes you have to move on without certain people.  If they're meant to be in your life, they'll catch up."  
• What Does Letting Go Look Like?  

Other great quotes, etc:

• "God knows change can make your life richer.  Live for today but hold your hands open to tomorrow.  Anticipate the future and its changes with joy.  There is a seed of God's love in every even, every circumstance, every unpleasant situation in which you may find yourself.  Don't get stuck in a rut or hung up on an outdated blessing.  You serve a God of change!"  ~Barbara Johnson
• "Let go of the old, so you can completely take hold of the new."  Joyce Meyer 
• Embrace the Wait 

Scriptures:  

• Deuteronomy 2:3 - "You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn North."  
• Romans 5:3-4 - "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."  
• Collection of scriptures for "Moving On"  

Progress Report and Favorite Quotes!

One of this week's online bible study topics asks, "How are you doing so far in your study of Stressed-Less Living by Tracie Miles?  Is there a lesson you have learned so far that has had a big impact on your life?"  Short answer - yes!  Long answer - multiple lessons; this book is truly amazing and life changing!  

For me, the biggest lesson I have learned came from first two chapters.  The realization that my stress level is controlled by me, and not by anything going on around me, has really changed my life.  Some amazing passages include the following:  

• Chapter 1 - Discovering the Real Problem: 

• "It takes a lot of effort to stay negative, and, when it's all said and done, absolutely nothing is achieved." 
• "As my journey progressed from the stress zone to the faith zone, I allowed God's promises to seep into every ounce of my being.  I slowly began to understand that I was the only person who had control over my mind.  I was the only person who had authority over the joy in my heart.  I was the only person who could determine my attitude on any given day.  I had to choose to be an optimist, despite negative circumstances.  I had to make a decision to live life on purpose, as God intended, or to just simply be alive.  I  was the only person who can control how stressed I felt.  Even when other people or circumstances were the external cause of stress, only I could allow those problems to suffocate my internal peace.  Only I could grant permission for the flame in my heart to be snuffed out like a candle."
• "I realized that most of my stress was rooted in trying to control circumstances that I had no control over.  I was freed from trying to change people that I couldn't change, from attempting to fix things that I had no resources to fix, from focusing on the unfairness of life instead of the blessings that I had been given because of God's undeserved grace, and from worrying over problems that I had no power to remedy.  I was wasting infinite amounts of time, energy, and emotion on things that were completely, 101 percent, out of my control!"  
• "As you continue to read through this book, my prayer is that you will learn to understand and believe without a shadow of a doubt that, despite your valid emotions, raw feelings, open wounds, and heavy heart, you are the only one who has authority over your attitude, your joy, and, yes, even your level of stress."  
• "Stress typically does not come from the situations in our lives but rather from the ways we handle those situations." 
• "You have complete control over whether you spend life stressed and depressed or happy and fulfilled, despite the circumstances you face."  
• "So, since stress in every form is here to stay, what we must realize is that it is not the stressful situations in and of themselves that cause our stress but the way we process and handle those stressful situations."  
• Chapter 2 - Does It Really Matter? 

• "Ask God to grant you the courage and strength to let those problems go, and let him take over."
• "A much better definition of peace is one that rests on the ability to rise above our circumstances, overcome our innate tendency to stress out over problems, and learn to remain calm and confident despite what is going on around us.  That is real peace - a peace based on Christ, not on people or circumstances.  A peace based on faith, not on personal desires being met.  A peace based on a quieted heart, not on a quiet house.  A peace based on the love of Jesus, not on an easy day at work.  A peace based on trusting God in all things, not just the easy things we can handle with no problem.  A peace that is present in our hearts, even when our entire life is overflowing with chaos.  That is the kind of peace only Jesus can give, and, once we get a taste of that kind of peace, we are never the same again."  

I love how Tracie does not sugar coat any of this!  It was like a slap in the face at first, but one I definitely needed.  I have been blessed to know people who have been incredibly happy and joyful despite cancer, despite loss of loved ones and jobs, despite bankruptcy, despite abuse, despite divorce, despite all kinds of life situations no one wants to be going through.  This made me look up the following definition:  

Despite - without being affected by; in spite of 

I wrote out some of my "stressors" using that definition:  

• I can be happy and peaceful without being affected by broken or struggling relationships 
• I can be happy and peaceful without being affected by financial difficulties 
• I can be happy and peaceful without being affected by patients, clients, coworkers, or people in general who are unkind 
• I can be happy and peaceful without being affected by my own mistakes 
• I can be happy and peaceful without being affected by my initial reactions of frustration or anger 

I can be happy and peaceful without being affected by anything negative or bad in my life, and by being affected in a positive way by the joy of the Holy Spirit!  

I also thought of others in my life who are strong: 

• My amazing and incredible mother, who is such a joy to be around (I could write an entire blog post just on how amazing she is!) - joyful without being affected by any of the multiple stressors in her life!
• My wonderful and fun father (I could also write a blog post on how amazing he is, too!) - fun without being affected by any of the multiple stressors in his life!  
• My amazing, incredible, strong single friends who are so much fun to be around, fill me with joy,and are encouraging to me and others - strong without being affected by divorce.  
• One of my coworkers who is so much fun to work with, always ready to help, always smiling and laughing - delightful without being affected by financial difficulties and a son who has made some not-so-great choices.  
• My office manager who is always calm, always willing to stop and help and answer questions, always forgiving, a great listener, is fair, and is just wonderful - wonderful without being affected by office drama, her mother-in-law living with her, and the stress of four children.  

I am sure they all have internal struggles, but I can only hope and pray that I can return the blessing to them!  As I was writing this list, I realized how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by so many amazing people.  

Being happy and peaceful really is as simple as making a choice to BE happy and peaceful!  As I learned last week in Philippians 4:8, if I keep my thoughts positive, this will make my life more joyful and pleasing to the Lord!  

Surrendering It All

This week while reading through Stressed-Less Living, one paragraph from Chapter 5 really stood out to me:

"Being a Christian not only means serving God with our bodies but serving him with our hearts, souls, and minds.  It means being totally sold-out to Christ in all aspects of our lives - surrendering all of our thoughts and actions to him.  It means seeking the Lord with such great intensity that everything else pales in comparison.  In turn, it is this intensity that helps us to be keenly aware of our need for his help to deal with our stress in the most effective ways.  Once we are fully connected with Jesus, we will begin craving an insatiable daily portion of him to nourish our souls and fill our spirits with the peace we are starving for."  ~Tracie Miles, Stressed-Less Living

I have always known and understood that all of our actions must be pleasing to the Lord, but my thoughts?  I knew from the Bible (Philippians 4:8), that I should focus on good things, but all my thoughts?  Even though I know God knows everything I think, those are still my thoughts!  Everything else in life I have learned to love sharing and giving away to others - my time, my resources, my love, my companionship, my prayers, etc.  But my thoughts are the one thing I have for myself!  It dawned on my while reading this passage that to truly be changed and transformed by the Lord, I must give Him absolutely everything - including my thoughts.  By surrendering all my thoughts to Him, He can truly begin to change me where all actions start - with our thoughts!

Working Blessings!

A coworker is out of the office today, and was out yesterday as well. This increases my workload as I have to complete her daily tasks as well as my own, which tends to cause me stress; however my goal today is to remember the following:

"A much better definition of peace is one that rests on the ability to rise above our circumstances, overcome our innate tendency to stress out over problems, and learn to remain calm and confident despite what is going on around us. That is real peace— a peace based on Christ, not on people or circumstances. A peace based on faith, not on personal desires being met. A peace based on a quieted heart, not on a quiet house. A peace based on the love of Jesus, not on an easy day at work. A peace based on trusting God in all things, not just the easy things we can handle with no problem. A peace that is present in our hearts, even when our entire life is overflowing with chaos. That is the kind of peace only Jesus can give, and, once we get a taste of that kind of peace, we are never the same again."

~Tracie Miles, "Stressed-Less Living"


I also am remembering how blessed I am that I have a job, am capable of working, am capable of doing extra work on any given day, and that I have helpful, supportive co-workers who make it so much easier! Praise the Lord that he gives me the ability to work every day! 

I highly recommend Tracie's book if you have not already read it! It is a blessing in itself! 

Have a blessed day! :)

First Sunday as a New Member!

After a year of being involved at the church I have been attending, I officially joined last week.  I had not thought much about joining over the past year, because I had always been so welcomed there and already feel like part of a big, wonderful family.  All of the pastors there are incredible people and talented preachers; you can see and feel God speaking through them every Sunday!  Each service is a powerful worship experience.  

What sets it apart from other churches and makes it feel like a good fit for me is that the senior pastor encourages everyone to use both your heart and your head for knowing and loving God.  He says that it is good to ask questions and use your intellect, and that it is not bad if you do not agree with everything he says.  The church started in 1990 with the intention of starting a church for thinking people.  Learning and thinking are activities I love very much, so I feel that I was born to be a part of this congregation!  They also have a big focus on loving and serving others, and bringing light to a world of darkness.  I also love their purpose, vision, journey, and values: 

Purpose: To build a Christian Community where non-religious and nominally-religious people are becoming deeply committed Christians. 

Vision: Changing lives, transforming communities, and renewing the church.  

Journey: Knowing, loving, and serving God.  

Values: We will do God's work with the qualities we most value: integrity, grace, excellence, relevance, authenticity, passion, humility, faith, inclusivity, commitment, joy, and love.  

Throughout the past thirteen years, the church now has over 18,000 people worshiping, studying, and serving at four campuses.  I love that God's touch is now being felt all over the city, and that I get to be a part of this!  

Today's sermon was the second in a series entitled "Finding Joy in Real Life - 5 Habits for Living Well."  They have been giving out little playing cards with the scripture, prayer, and focus for the week with the bulletin:  

 I tape mine to the bathroom mirror, so I can see it and be reminded every morning to love others all day every day!  

Notes I took during the sermon:

• Religion should not be about making us happy, but about doing God's will.  It is not about going where we want and dragging God with us, but going where God calls us and following Him.  This will create more joy in our lives! 
• God tells us we need to speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves - the widow, the orphan, the alien (immigrant), and the poor.  
• This is exactly what I want for my life: "Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.  Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."  ~Mother Theresa 

Referenced scripture in the sermon:

• Micah 6:1-8 
• Zechariah 7:9-10 
• Proverbs 31:8-9
• James 1:25 

It is my prayer and focus this week to speak up for the vulnerable and powerless who need me to speak out for them.  I pray that God gives me courage, and helps me to pay attention to those who need me.  I pray that I bestow kindness on every person I interact with, as a daily part of my life.  I pray that I will be a bold, courageous Christian, and do justice and kindness to everyone.  Have a blessed week!!!