First: Rant. Second: Fun!

First:  Rant.  

As I approach my fifth (and second to last!) round of heavy chemo, I'm anxious.  Nervous.  Scared. This fourth round was tough; a lot tougher than I expected.  I knew that as my toxicity levels increase, my symptoms will increase; but I did not expect it to be THAT much worse than my third cycle.  In the scheme of things, it was not that awful; but what scares me is knowing that I have two more doses of that heavy stuff.  And that each one will most likely be worse.  I know I can handle it, I know I will get through it, but it is the going through it that scares me so much.  

I've also started feeling frustrated with it all.  Mostly the constant nausea (and occasional vomiting), mouth pain and sores (this time my throat got mega irritated also), ever-increasing fatigue (the intermittent insomnia helps, hah), body aches and pains, skin discolorations and rashes and splitting, nosebleeds (which thankfully are not painful, just more of a nuisance), and lately my fingernail tenderness has been really making me frustrated.  My nails are often just straight up painful...if I bump my nail or even just the finger, even the slightest bit, it sends shock-like pain through my entire hand.  I can't scratch an itch (which is probably a good thing, because I would probably shred my delicate skin lol!), open containers, and even writing and typing sometimes bother them.  If I do try to scratch my skin or use my nails, it feels as though they are lifting off of the nail bed...literally like they are about to pop right off!  Creepy!!!  And while I do think it is kind of cool how there are what I call "chemo-cycle lines" in my nails (like tree rings!), my pinky nails have started darkening.  For some reason, losing my nails freaks me out more than losing my hair or any of the other gross or annoying things.  I don't know why, maybe because I've never seen anyone who has lost a nail, but it's got to look creepy and just...WRONG!  LOL like what the heck does a freshly-uncovered nail bed look like?!  I could Google it, but I won't...I SHOULD remember from grad school, but my (and yes, this is my favorite excuse!) chemo brain isn't letting me recall many things! ;)  

Aside from the physical junk, I just feel so off...I just don't feel like myself.  I feel like I am disconnected from myself, like I'm just not me.  I'm so thankful my family, friends, and coworkers all still put up with me, because I feel like I'm a really crappy version of myself lately!  I know everyone is understanding, and hopefully none of them perceive me that way, but ugh I just want to feel like myself again!  I am so thankful that I will feel like myself relatively soon, and that I only have a few more weeks of this stuff.  

Second: FUN! :D 

But in the midst of all this crap, I've been fortunate to have had a lot of good times over the past few weeks!!!  I've gone out to lunch with friends and have done some shopping which is always fun, and gets me up and moving!  I've also got some cute new clothes to wear this spring and summer, and every girl loves having new clothes to look forward to wearing! :)  While part of me feels guilty that material things such as new clothes excite me, another part of me knows that I need to do everything I can right now (within reason, of course) to give myself all the motivation and excitement about the future that I can get!  

Last week I found out that I was chosen to be a Portrait of Hope for the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer program, which I'm super excited about!!!  Basically I get to share my story and talk about various things with the media and at Making Strides events and what not. I will find out more in the next few weeks, but I am so excited to share my story on a larger platform, and hopefully encourage and inspire many more people!  When Claire McCaskill announced her diagnosis last Monday, I was able to talk to Fox 4 about my story, and I had a BLAST talking with Abby Eden!  She is an absolute DOLL!  Click HERE for the link for the article and news clip if you want to see it!   

I also got to go talk to the Olathe East girl's basketball team, who raised enough money for more Healing Chairs!!!  They are an AWESOME group of girls, and I was so blessed meeting them!  

Surrounded by amazing women!!!

Talking to the girls, and my Italian blood is coming out!!!  LOL!  

Yesterday my mom hosted a little craft party, and some family and friends came over and we had a BLAST!!!  Oh my, so much food and fun and craftiness, I slept soooo good last night lol!!!  We made these super cute Easter wreaths (ok, well, I'm STILL working on mine...haha), and it was so nice to hang out and talk and laugh with everyone!!!  

 Work in progress!  

This little blue one still cracks me up, LOL!!!   

I also got to see Newsies Thursday night, which I HIGHLY recommend, it's awesome!!!  And thanks again Ashlea for taking me!!!  :D  So all in all, life is good...I'm so thankful to be alive, and enjoying this beautiful life that God has given me (and this beautiful weather as well!).  Thanks again for all your prayers, love, and support...it's still what's keeping me going!!!  

Devotion Time Blues and a Makeup Review!

There are many authors I love, but one that I regularly thank God for is Lysa TerKerust.  The current Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study is on her book "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl," and just like all of Lysa's books, I find myself wanting to highlight and remember virtually every single sentence.  The chapter I read today, "Devotion Time Blues," reminded me of why I need to make it a top priority to spend time with God each and every morning.

For a couple of months now, I have felt that it is of utmost importance to put on all my makeup every morning.  I think that if I feel good about how I look (less like a cancer patient, and more like the 32 year old fun-loving gal I am), then I will feel good about myself and my day will go smoothly.  While I do believe that it's important to feel good about ourselves, including how we look, it's even more important to remember how we look and feel inside.  I can paint on eyebrows, put mascara on my sparse eyelashes, highlight and contour and do whatever all else I want to try and look pretty; but if I do not feel pretty on the inside, then it doesn't matter if I'm bald or a beauty queen.  Or a bald beauty queen!  Spending time with God, and His word, every single morning is crucial to not only surviving the day, but enjoying it as well.  

***On a (very important) side note, I discovered an AMAZING eyebrow line, Anastasia Beverly Hills.  A patient recommended this last week, and I picked some brow powder up at Ulta last night and it is literally AMAZING (see pics down below!).  Definitely get this duo angle/spooley brush with it too (spooley is my new favorite word!).  This little thing should last years, I hardly used any of it and my brows looked fab!  I'm glad it was way easier than a pencil to apply and get a natural looking brow.

Some quotes from the chapter (these are my faves, I could have quoted the entire chapter!):

• "Why is it so important to spend time with Jesus every day?  Because He will give us the exact instruction and comfort we need to handle all He sees coming our way - how to act and, even more challenging, how to react in every situation.  It is the perfect measure of His peace, packaged up just for us.  With great expectation, we can stick it in our pocket and carry it with us.  Instead of being slaves to our emotions and reacting based on our feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what."  
• "It seems like such an elementary thing to state that we should spend time with Jesus and read the Bible every day...but it's amazing how I'll sit down to do this and suddenly a million urgent action items flood my brain.  Suddenly it's so tempting to answer an email, throw in a load of laundry, write out a grocery list, and start getting my day in order.  However, if I fail to get my heart in order first, I am guaranteeing myself a misplaced attitude that day.  Hands down.  Without exception.  If I don't spend a time with Jesus, my reactions will be harsher, my perspectives a little more self-centered, my emotions a little more on edge, and my tongue a little less grace-filled."  
• "Oh, how we underestimate the power made available to us when we spend time with God.  Our earthly eyes are so limited because they don't allow us to see what is happening in the heavenly realm.  A daily battle is being fought for our attention and our devotion.  Satan would love nothing more than to keep us separated from the power God gives us during our time with Him.  It's time to stop feeling guilty and ill-equipped and start embracing the incredible privilege to meet with Jesus every day."  
• "There are many ways I can choose to react when things happen each day.  I can choose the way of 'It's my right to be frustrated.'  I can choose the way of 'Doesn't anyone listen to me around here?'  I can choose the way of ' Do you know how this makes me feel?'  Or, I can choose to let God teach me His way.  My way leads to all kinds of runaway feelings that pull me away from the truth and into an absolute pit of yuck.  His way leads to calmly finding a solution without all the anger and frustration.  His way leads to me being able to extend grace - the same grace I so desperately need myself.  And His way leads me to the truth."  

And now for more pictures!  :)  Have a blessed week ya'll!!!

Before brow magic (I found pink ribbon cider!!!)

After brow magic (aren't we cute?!)

This cookie is so cute and sparkly, I had to share!  And the plate was cool too!!!  The host of the part is a graphic designer, so everything looked cool! :D   

Round #3, In Pictures :)

This blog is mostly pictures - yay for those who don't like to read!!!  (AKA my beloved boyfriend :)

This round was, again, different from the one before it!  Lots more nausea this time (still not horrible, thankfully), and my hands that had started cracking have started bleeding.  I've started sleeping with vinyl gloves on, over layers of lotion and vaseline!!!  Thanks Mom for the tip, it seems to be helping, yay! :D  

Last week left hand:

This week left hand (ouch!): 

But thankfully my nails still look awesome!!!

My BFF came out to hang at my last treatment (thank you Ashlea!!! :D ):

Ashlea also took me to the KU vs UK game last weekend, which was a BLAST!  We even went dancing afterwards, woot woot!!!  

ROCK CHALK!!!  

It was LOUD and HOT but FUN!!!  This is the decibel meter!  

Of course, I had to go shopping for a cute KU shirt before the game: 

I could've passed for a player, right?!  I loved this jersey-shirt, but it was too scratchy :-/ 

A delicious meal, HOME MADE pasta, brought by a beautiful survivor friend!  

A pretty pattern on a chilly morning:  

A GORGEOUS sunrise...it looks like the sky is on fire!  Amazing!  

Coffee at my favorite coffee house with Dad!  

 A beautiful plant from a referral office, that led to meeting another beautiful survivor!  

A chicken and cheese meal my brother cooked for me, and I LOVE the face that came in the cheese!!!  LOL!   

He also had us over to his apartment and cooked amazing brussels sprouts!!!  With chicken :)  And we got to play with his and Sarah's adorable new cat Pippin!!!

A beautiful sunset!

My buddy, always full of snuggles when I get home from chemo!  

All in all, the past few weeks have been a blast!  I've also gotten to hang out with other friends (thank you Katie for FINALLY introducing me to The Goldbergs - HILARIOUS!) and my coworkers (yay margaritas!!!  Love you guys! :).  Round #4 is this coming Friday...bring it on!!!  Hope you all are having a blessed weekend :) <3  

Chemo Love Song!

ROUND #3 TODAY!!!  :D

Here's today's song and dance! Had to do this one at home...I re-did the lyrics to California Love to reflect my chemo experience at Shawnee Mission Health (which has been a GREAT experience!). The lyrics are on the YouTube link, for where it's hard to hear me! Thanks for watching, love you all!!!

P.S. Sorry for the tone deafness!!! wink emoticon

Bye-lashes!

When I first found out I had cancer, I was upset about having to lose my hair.  This discontent did not last for long, as I soon realized how many options for wigs, hats, and scarves there are out there (plus not having to wash and dry and style my hair was a pretty exciting thought as well).  The one thing I continued to hope for was not losing my eyelashes.  I LOVE my eyelashes!!!  Even though they are not super long, they are very dark, and I often feel like I look fine without having to put on mascara and eyeliner.

Unfortunately, however, I love to rub my eyes.  And by rub I mean DIG my eyeballs...my boyfriend often says he feels sorry for my eyes, as I usually rub them harder than I should.  But it feels soooo good to dig 'em when they are soooo itchy!!!  It's genetic, my dad does the same thing; therefore I can't help it!  So it's no surprise to me that I have started to lose some of my eyelashes, as I have probably rubbed them out.  It's not bad or anything, as I still have plenty of them, but I can definitely tell they have thinned.    

I first started noticing this one day when I was applying mascara, as they just looked sparse and not nice and full as they normally do.  No complaints (yet), as I still have plenty of them; just another observation of my body during chemo :)  I've got one set of false eyelashes ready in case I ever feel the need to use them, and I am so thankful to still have two healthy eyes to see with!!!

In other news, I have been feeling pretty darn good, and I had acupuncture and an adjustment this week which has helped me sleep better than I have in months!  So I am very thankful for that as well.  Last Thursday I finally got to experience Top Golf with friends and family, and it was a blast!!! (Pics down below!!!).  However I do NOT recommend attempting to swing a golf club approximately 3 months after a double mastectomy...I did not think that one through well enough before attempting to golf!  The first swing I missed the ball, and my chest gave me hell.  Needless to say, I did not golf much, but had a blast playing Foosball and chatting with loved ones.  I also got to go visit my grandparents this weekend, and I am thankful I felt well enough to spend time with them.  

Round 3 is coming up on Friday!  After this round, I will be halfway done with chemo!!!  :D  I will still have the rest of the year to do Herceptin infusions, but since it is a targeted treatment, I shouldn't have all the systemic effects like I have been.  Halfway through the hard chemo, and I am alive and well...God is good!!!  I talked with my oncologist this week, and we are changing up my steroid dose a bit again, as I think last time it was too much (too little the first time, too much the second time, so the third time should be like Goldilocks' third bowl of porridge - juuuuust right!).  

Me and my BFF Ashlea chillin' at Top Golf!

 My beautiful momma swingin' that club!  

Yep, it's a macaroni and cheese burger, amazing tots, and chicken and waffles!!!  YAY for my taste buds being back!!! :D  

Mouthing Off

This has been a really great weekend, and I am so thankful for that!!!  I got some acupuncture and biofeedback last week that helped me enjoy the weekend.  I got to spend time with family and my two best friends, eat lots of pasta (tortellini alfredo is one of my favorite dishes, and it's one that still has some flavor for me during chemo), snuggle up with my kitty and watch football, and I even got to go shopping...it was a dream weekend for this girl!!!  I found a ton of great scarves to wear this spring and summer at Charming Charlie's for $1-$4!  They were on major clearance, and they are BOGO half off right now!  They are lightweight and will be perfect for wearing on my head.  Their semi-annual sale is AMAZING!!!  I highly recommend checking it out!  

Also just FYI, I have no clue why the background of the text is different in various places on this post...formatting is something way over my head!!!  So please forgive the eyesore that that is, thank you!  :)  [UPDATE: Formatting has been fixed!!!  Thank you Dad!!! :D]  Now on to my topic for today...

Ohhhh the beloved chemo mouth! Out of all the chemo side effects, the digestive tract (for me) has the broadest range of symptoms. For this post, I will be focusing only on the first part of the digestive system: the mouth.

While the mouth seems a simple body part, it's actually quite complex. From practical purposes to pleasure, our lips, teeth, and tongue are essential to many daily functions. Several years in the dental field have taught me the importance of teeth for chewing and obtaining adequate nutrition throughout our lives, and there are so many different things that can go wrong with them (and it seems just as many different fixes). The tongue is also important in the chewing process, and is essential for swallowing and talking. Lips provider a barrier for the mouth, and is also important in chewing and talking.

Normally, all these surfaces are covered in our dear friend saliva. All that lovely drool is actually very important! Saliva provides the first step in the digestive process, helps prevent tooth decay, keeps your mouth wet and comfy, and fights germs and bad breath. Now, if you take that lovely substance away, as often happens with chemo patients, you end up with a whole host of problems (the least of which is a cranky patient).


Ok enough with the biology lesson, on to the whining! The corners of my mouth are constantly cracking (you can kind of see it in the picture, red and irritated spots). This would be fine if 1. I didn't like to eat, and 2. I didn't like to smile a lot. My mouth is so dry at moments I feel like sandpaper would be wetter! And it's amazing to me how my tongue can feel bloated, yet desiccated. This of course makes it difficult to eat (I won't go into the loss of taste buds function again), but it also makes it difficult to talk and breathe. Now, you're probably thinking, "Well silly, just close your mouth and breathe through your nose!" At times, this solution works wonders! Other times you embark on a lovely back-and-forth journey of what's the worst of two evils: dry winter air running over a dry, ulcerated tongue, or dry winter air running through a very dry (except the 3-5 times per day when it's bleeding) nasal cavity?

And yes, I have a humidifier :)

Then there's the mouth sores...I haven't had these too bad thankfully! Mostly on the tongue. I've circled them in red on the picture, just in case you couldn't find them.  LOL.  I'm glad my tongue is not on my face!
But, it's only for one year. And there are only a few bad days each cycle! And the Chiefs won!!! 

Ok well now that I've whined enough, here are some things that have helped (for anyone who may be reading this and experiencing similar fun times):

• Humidifier - I don't know for sure that it's helped, because I have used it every day and night since before I started chemo, but I am assuming it is helping and would not want to attempt NOT using it.
• Magic mouthwash - This. Stuff. Is. MAGIC!!! Literally it's magical...with a numbing agent that works very well and two other magical ingredients (I don't remember what they are or what they do), this stuff helps coat the mouth and tongue and makes you feel like you want to live again! It also helps heal up those fun little mouth sores.
• Mentholatum - Another winner! When you've been battling internal nosebleeds and causing so much friction to your nostrils that they start to bleed too, this stuff helps restore some moisture to those guys. I tried to put it on frequently BEFORE wiping my nose, to help prevent more irritation, but of course if your nose is having a bloody Ebola-like moment, ain't nobody got time for that!!! I've also found that, while recommended for external use only, putting a bit of Vaseline up in my nose a bit helps coat those bone dry passages, making breathing more comfortable.

 

• Burt's Bees, EOS, Softlips, Chapstick, our dental office lip balm, it all helps those dry lips and cracked mouth corners!
• Saline nasal spray - good for helping to lower the frequency of nosebleeds. 
• Extra-fluoride toothpaste - With the increased risk of tooth decay, it's important to help the enamel stay strong! 
• Ice cream - yes!  Even without flavor, the cold and texture feels GREAT on a sore mouth!!!
• Protein/nutrition shakes - Gotta keep that nutrition up, and when it hurts to eat actual food, shakes go down easy. And with no taste buds tasting, flavor ain't an issue! All mushy foods (mashed potatoes, yogurt, etc) are all wonderful too.  My mom ***correction: Dad!*** found these (pictured below) at the grocery store, and they are pretty darn yummy!!!  I tried the sweet potato and beet ones also, and they were good too.  You can't see him in the picture here, but there is an adorable bunny on the package too (Peter Rabbit)!  





Most importantly, remember it's only temporary. It's all a sign that the chemo is working!  We'll be back to tasting kale and cupcakes in no time!!! Here's to a great couple of weeks, getting ready for Round 3 on the 22nd!

New Year, New Side Effects!

I  don't know if it was the steroids or the chemo, but the past couple of days of Round 2 found me with some fun side effects! Most of the following is small bits of things I've written over the past few days, just now complied together. The pics are from our NYE celebration, food and games! :-)

The crawling was the worst. The insects, like small house-flies, were walking on my skin. From the inside. Hundreds of tiny flies moving along the inside of my skin. Dancing along my skin with their tiny feet, brushing me with their tiny wings. Against the insider of my forehead, my temples, my eyes, and my knees. Crawling up my legs, trying to get out. I'd find the energy to move my leg, to shake them loose, but they remained.

My bones...they weren't bones. The only way I can describe how they felt is "melty." Washing my hands was bizarre, because it felt like my hands were not coming together, yet I could visibly see they were touching. When I did press them together, it felt like they melted away from each other. The skin was melting off the muscles, which were melting off the bones, which were bending and melting from themselves. Again, I could see everything was still there, still intact, but the sensations felt otherwise. This caused a massive disconnect in my brain...talk about feeling crazy! None of my other bones or joints felt normal either...my left knee seemed to be in my abdomen...but I could see this was obviously not the case! How my brain could perceive things this way I have no idea.

Foods have lost their flavors again, and now taste like textures. Mashed potatoes "taste" gritty. Protein shakes "taste" glumpy. And that's pretty much all I can get down...

I feel trapped inside myself, by my own body, by my own brain. I'm watching the world go on around me, unable to participate. When I do participate, I feel again as though I'm just watching. I see me talking and laughing, but I'm just watching. I see myself eating and moving, but it's not me - it's someone else. Even as I type this, I know I am typing it, yet I do not feel I am...

Such bizarre sensations! Literally it'll make you feel crazy...I am so thankful for good family and friends. Family who trim my nails for me when I am too weak to do so, and best friends and boyfriends who come to visit and let me sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. All I can do is sleep it off, and stay in prayer...in faith...in hope. I'm alive and well, and will continue to fight!