Sunday, January 3, 2016

New Year, New Side Effects!

I  don't know if it was the steroids or the chemo, but the past couple of days of Round 2 found me with some fun side effects! Most of the following is small bits of things I've written over the past few days, just now complied together. The pics are from our NYE celebration, food and games! :-)

The crawling was the worst. The insects, like small house-flies, were walking on my skin. From the inside. Hundreds of tiny flies moving along the inside of my skin. Dancing along my skin with their tiny feet, brushing me with their tiny wings. Against the insider of my forehead, my temples, my eyes, and my knees. Crawling up my legs, trying to get out. I'd find the energy to move my leg, to shake them loose, but they remained.

My bones...they weren't bones. The only way I can describe how they felt is "melty." Washing my hands was bizarre, because it felt like my hands were not coming together, yet I could visibly see they were touching. When I did press them together, it felt like they melted away from each other. The skin was melting off the muscles, which were melting off the bones, which were bending and melting from themselves. Again, I could see everything was still there, still intact, but the sensations felt otherwise. This caused a massive disconnect in my about feeling crazy! None of my other bones or joints felt normal left knee seemed to be in my abdomen...but I could see this was obviously not the case! How my brain could perceive things this way I have no idea.

Foods have lost their flavors again, and now taste like textures. Mashed potatoes "taste" gritty. Protein shakes "taste" glumpy. And that's pretty much all I can get down...

I feel trapped inside myself, by my own body, by my own brain. I'm watching the world go on around me, unable to participate. When I do participate, I feel again as though I'm just watching. I see me talking and laughing, but I'm just watching. I see myself eating and moving, but it's not me - it's someone else. Even as I type this, I know I am typing it, yet I do not feel I am...

Such bizarre sensations! Literally it'll make you feel crazy...I am so thankful for good family and friends. Family who trim my nails for me when I am too weak to do so, and best friends and boyfriends who come to visit and let me sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. All I can do is sleep it off, and stay in hope. I'm alive and well, and will continue to fight!


  1. Hang in there Nat! This sounds so difficult šŸ˜•

    1. Thanks girly!!! It has its moments, that's for sure...but each day is a new day, and today was a better one thankfully!!! :-)