Patience is a Virtue...That I Still Need to Learn! (scroll to bottom for pics and a quick update)

Oh patience!  Patience is defined (via Google) as: The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."  I feel like I have done pretty well with being patient in life, up until this week.  I've been frustrated before, but yesterday found me VERY IMPATIENT.  I had several things I wanted to accomplish, and I had determined this to-do list without regard for my current condition.  My condition is mainly just mental and physical exhaustion from radiation and chemo, but it's aggravated by the major skin irritation on my left side, breathing difficulties (everything major has been ruled out thankfully, but the feeling of not being able to breathe and like I am suffocating at times induces great anxiety in my), etc.  I am usually able to remind myself that all this is only temporary, and that this too shall pass; but yesterday I failed!  

I've been doing an online Bible study (which has been AMAZING, thank you Tiffany!) that has reminded me and encouraged me to get in The Word every day, as it is our spiritual daily bread.  I've written a devotional on this topic, I should KNOW to be in The Word every day!  But yesterday I didn't consume my spiritual daily bread.  I decided I wanted to go ahead and check something off my to-do list, which was go for a walk and stretch.  

Now, exercise is good (and it felt GREAT), but I did not leave myself enough time to open my Bible and read.  Everything was fine until I got to my radiation appointment at 8:45, and they were running 30 minutes behind.  This shouldn't even have been an issue for me, but because I had made so many plans for myself, I let it stress me out.  A LOT.  Which threw my entire day off, and resulted in a lovely panic attack (even after a couple Xanax).  I can't help but wonder if I could have prevented this by spending even just a few minutes with God, in His Word, before starting my day?  The endorphin rush from my workout was awesome, but it pales in comparison to the peace, clarity, and joy we receive from spending time in The Word.  

Also, I MAY have had an unrealistic amount of to-do's on my list...a big surprise coming from me, right? ;)  

This is where I get frustrated.  I am overall feeling SO MUCH BETTER than just a few months ago, but I'm surprised at how fatigued and brain-fogged radiation can make you!  I figured I would just sail through radiation (sound familiar?  like how I thought I'd sail through chemo? lol); but in reality it's a big toll on the body and I need to give myself the time to heal.  Fortunately, I have a lot of motivation and drive to accomplish many things; unfortunately, I am impatient about all the things I want to accomplish.  I want to start working on them all NOW!!!  I also get frustrated because I haven't been able to work full time.  Fortunately, I have an AMAZING boss who allows me to work as much or as little as I can, and co-workers who are so supportive (and I can't imagine doing this journey without any of my office peeps!); unfortunately, I am a Type-A control freak who wants everything done perfectly by the end of every day.  Which is IMPOSSIBLE in a dental office as it is, and even more impossible with my current state of mind and being.  

Update: Overall I am doing very well, all things considered.  My hair is growing back nicely!  I only have 4 radiation treatments left, and I am so thankful for that!  My skin burns are not bad, just a couple of spots where the skin is slightly broken and irritated.  I've "graduated" to only having to see my medical oncologist every 6 weeks now, instead of every 3 weeks (I will still continue to do Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks).  At my next appointment with her, I will start Tamoxifen; the hormone-blocker I'm slated to be on for 10 years.  I have to admit I'm nervous about this for 2 reasons: 1. possible side effects, and 2. 10 YEARS.  TEN. YEARS.  I'm scared to commit to that!  Although I can always stop if if I chose to.  And the commitment issue might also explain my recent single-ness...but I've also come to realize that even if I am single forever, that is ok because I DO have so many things I want to accomplish, people I want to help, and things I want to do and see!  I now always pray that God's will be done in my life, because I've finally come to fully understand that God's will is always the best for our lives.  It only took me 32 years, but hey better now than never! :)    

The burn here isn't too bad, it's mostly just itchy...and seatbelts irritate it!!!   And that's my port on my right side :) 

Under my left axilla, these little marks aren't big (thankfully!) but they are deep and they are INCREDIBLY tender (I think this is part of my insomnia...can't get comfortable)

All dressed up for the Making Strides for Breast Cancer photo shoot!!!  :D  

Snapped this pic on National Selfie Day...I still get goosebumps every time I look at it, or even think of it!  God finally got my attention...I'm following Him harder than ever!!!  

Thank you SO MUCH for reading, and God bless!!!  Hope everyone has a very safe and happy 4th of July!!!  :)  

Cast ALL Your Anxiety...For You are Loved!

As I was reading my Bible this morning, 1 Peter 5:7 really jumped out at me.  This is a verse I have read many times, and it is a scripture that is often quoted:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

This has always been a reassuring verse, one I've kept near and dear to my heart.  But today what struck me is that is says cast ALL your anxiety on him.  Not just some, but ALL.  Not just the big things you worry about, but the little things too; and especially the things that you really want to hold on to.  Some things are just so tough to turn over to God!  However difficult, we must turn over ALL our anxiety, fears, worries, and concerns over to him.  That financial burden you don't know how you will manage.  That relationship that, despite great effort, is still not working out.  That health problem that seems impossible to heal from.  That child that still heading down a bad path.  That addiction you can't control.  Whatever your anxieties are, turn them ALL over to God.  Even the little daily things like coordinating who is going to get the kids on time to dance or soccer practice?  Did the electric bill get paid (thank goodness for auto pay nowadays! lol)?  Is that age spot on my face seriously getting bigger by the day?!? Do I REALLY want to eat that doughnut in the break room that's been taunting me all day?!?!?!?  (The answer to that question, however, is ALWAYS yes!  lol j/k :)  How lucky we are to have the luxury of turning all our stress over to him!  

The other thing that stood out to me is that the verse says to cast all our anxiety on him BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU.  He loves YOU!  He loves you so much that he is willing to take all those things that stress you out and leave you depleted onto himself.  Even despite all our shortcomings and human failures, he wants to help you relax, enjoy life, and be joyful in him.  There is no greater love than that!  When we turn everything over to God, we can focus on our relationship with him, our relationships with others, and spreading his light throughout the world.  Think of how much better you focus when you aren't feeling stressed out, versus when you are super anxious.  So don't wait, turn it ALL over today in prayer - because you are LOVED!!!  

Thank you for reading, God bless!  <3 

Something I Previously Enjoyed

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of day.  I also liked waking up to a fresh, new morning that was full of possibilities, but bedtime was always the best.  It felt so good to lay down on a comfy mattress in soft sheets, curl up with a pillow and my cat, and drift off into restful sleep.  No matter what else happened during the course of a day, I could always count on the joy of going to bed at night.

Until halfway through my cancer treatment.

Other than generalized anxiety, I'm still not sure what has triggered this new insomnia trend.  Even through the worst of chemo I was always able to sleep at least 5 hours per night.  I know many people who have struggled with insomnia, and it always seemed awful.  Now I can confirm that it is!  I've started dreading and even fearing going to bed at night, because it seems that's when the demons attack.  What used to feel like a calm, quiet, relaxing time is now seems to be stormy, and loud (with thoughts) time.  Even darkness, which used to trigger relaxation, now made me feel alone, anxious, and constantly reminded me of death.  I started going to sleep with a light on, which probably was not helpful (since supposedly it messes with your awake-sleep cycle or what not), but it helped me to relax a bit.  It seemed like if I could see things around me, then I would be ok; but when things are dark and I can't see, then it's like my life is slipping away.  What a mess in my little head!!! lol...

I also seem to have developed some sort of restless leg action as well.  After my second round of chemo, I had experienced something like this with the "crawling" sensations, but this was more than just crawling.  I felt that if I didn't get up and move my legs I would seriously explode.  W T F!!!  So bedtime isn't the good time it used to be for me, lol.    

I am so thankful that this devotional (which I recommend for any woman going through cancer; and THANK YOU PAM!) came into my life at the perfect time!  Psalm 91 was part of the scripture readings for today, which reads (and I like this one because it's a good reminder of upcoming Memorial Day):

I love verse 5 that says, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  This is the best reminder that God is watching over us at all times of the day, and that even though I have been feeling anxious and alone and scared, He is always with us and protecting us.  We need not fear the dark of night, or even the arrows (doctor's appointments, work and life stresses, etc) that may try to attack us during the day.  The NIV Life Application Bible sums it all up perfectly: "God is a shelter, a refuge when we are afraid.  The writer's faith in the Almighty God as Protector would carry us through all the dangers and fears of life.  This should be a picture of our trust - trading all our fears for faith in him, no matter how intense our fears.  To do this we must 'dwell' and 'rest' with him.  By entrusting ourselves to his protection and pledging our daily devotion to him, we will be kept safe."

Ok side note: I've been anxious since noon today that I haven't received a call about radiation yet, as I was hoping to start next week.  As I was finishing typing the above quote, guess what - my phone rang, and I start radiation at 3:30 on Monday!!!  Oh how I still need to learn to TRULY and FULLY trust Him!!!  And now I'm distracted and unfocused so I will wrap this up with a quick update lol.  I got my right expander mostly deflated on Tuesday, and I was SO WORRIED about walking around with lopsided breasts!  Mostly because of my OCD brain!  But it's not as bad as I thought, and doesn't look as bad as I thought either thankfully.  I went bra shopping with my bestie last weekend (which I was VERY anxious about, to the point of having a meltdown outside Victoria's Secret...so thankful for best friends!) and got me a bra that kinda helps keep the shape over on the right for me.  I also got to enjoy a Royals game with my fab coworkers this week (and a game the week before for Mom's B-Day!), which was a BLAST; plus we won!!!  Doc even got us a premium parking pass so we LITERALLY parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the stadium (because walking long distances is still a struggle for me...getting better, but I'd rather spend my energy walking to the Fountain Bar to get a Royal Rita than walking through the parking lot, I'LL BE HONEST! lol...also we discovered that you're practically a celebrity if you walk around the stadium with a Royal Rita, so be prepared!) and covered seats in case I'd start radiation treatment...so awesome!  And my man Dyson did AWESOME!  So even with a lopsided chest, it's been a great week :)  Ok thanks again ya'll for your love and support, and God bless!!!  <3

Dyson at bat!

 BRRR it was SO COLD when we went for Mom's b-day!  

D'awwww!!!  Those feet tho...LMAO! 

Happy Mother's Day!!! I Love You Mom!!! :)

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there, but especially to all the mother's who are also caretakers of their children; and especially ESPECIALLY my wonderful mother, who is THE best out there!  Thank you Mom for all you've done for me while being sick.  While I can't say I've totally enjoyed this cancer journey, it's brought us closer together (which I didn't know was possible) and has shown me how truly amazing and strong you are (which I always knew you were, just not to what extent!).  This verse to the right (Proverbs 31:26) is you to a T...I'm always amazed at how strong you are!!!

Thank you for always taking care of me, whether it's fixing me a meal that I either didn't end up eating or only ate two bites of, or cleaning up after my messes in the kitchen.  Thank you for cleaning up after me outside the kitchen as well, as this body has made SO many messes the past few months!!!  And thanks for doing my laundry and cleaning my room when I'm too weak, just so I feel at peace.  Thank you for always being there when I needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to me vent about how sick and tired I am of being a cancer patient.  Thank you for always telling me how beautiful I am when I tell you I feel like an ugly cut-up beat-up rag-doll.  Thank you for always listening to me and helping me to sort through my tumultuous emotions about cancer and life.  Thank you for staying up late with me and sitting with me till I fall asleep, just so I don't have to feel alone.  Thank you for dragging me out in public when all I want to do is lay in my little crawled-up ball.  Thank you for fighting all my insurance claims - personal and at work (the ones I get stuck on! lol).  Thank you for holding the fort down at the office while I've been gone soooo much, and answering pretty much all the phone calls when I was in chemo-land.

Thank you for, when I told you I had cancer, not just crying and commiserating with me, but telling me to own it: "Tell yourself you have cancer, and that you're going to deal with it, and you will get through this."  Initially I was so scared of dying, but since you told me that right off the bat I haven't worried about dying since then.  Thank you for always helping me to stay positive, and keep my faith.

You tell people that it should have been you that got cancer, and I tell them I am so thankful it was NOT you, because I know that watching you go through what I have gone through would have been too hard for me.  I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for this journey, and if I didn't have you there always showing me and reminding me what true strength and faith are.  Plus Dad couldn't have handled that LOL :)

Thank you for all you've done even before I got sick.  Thank you for carrying me for (almost lol) 9 months, giving birth to me, raising me, loving me, disciplining me, and all the other things you've done for me.  Thank you for always being patient, kind, and giving to me, and to everyone you meet.  You are truly a gift from our great God, and I am so thankful for that.  You are the most strong and amazing person I know, and I am blessed and honored to be your daughter.  <3  And your roommate and co-worker as well!  I love you more than I have words to express.  Now, can you please bring me another box of kleenex?  ;) <3

What Might God Be Calling You to Leave Behind?

Sometimes (ok, often times!), life does not go how we want it to.  I've been working in my career now for over a year, and it has been an uphill battle the entire time for a variety of reasons.  Recently, however, I had started feeling very unsettled at work. I had started praying and reading scripture trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me.  The following image captures exactly what God was putting on my heart:

The past few weeks have been incredibly stressful at the office.  This stress was due to a number of causes, but the biggest cause was my office manager continually "yelling" at me for various things that I was unaware I was even doing.  Seeing as how no one else seemed to be in agreement with her, I was left feeling incredibly confused most days.  It all came to a breaking point last week.

When I went in to work last Friday, I started helping a co-worker get together a list for office supplies.  He has never worked the front desk, and was unaware of our need for things like paper clips and toner.  My office manager came back and was upset that I was helping him.  I apologized, and explained that this is his first time going to get office supplies, and that he does not know what kind of toner we need and how much, etc.  My office manager looked at me and said, "Toner?!? Why would we need toner?!?!"  I have learned not to explain myself, as it just gets me in more trouble, so I simply said, "I don't know."  Then she said she needed to talk to me in her office.


Before I continue, I must mention that words are so tangible.  They come across as spoken sound vibrations, but they have the capacity to reach into a soul and do something. They can uplift, soothe, and heal; or they can wreck and destroy.  Unfortunately for me, I was about to experience the latter.

Upon arriving in her office, my office manager immediately launched in to full accusatory mode: "Let's talk about Monday.  Monday was a disaster.  You were here for 8 hours and got NOTHING done.  And yesterday [Thursday], again you got NOTHING done.  You've been completely unproductive...I don't even know what we're paying you to do anymore!"  I sat there, stunned.  I have had a lot of coaching and feedback throughout my years (which has been very beneficial), but I have NEVER had anyone question my work ethic.   I am the type of person who always gives 110% (well, on an "off" day, I may only give 100%, I am only human), and I had been working my butt off all week (or so I had thought).  The sound vibrations from those words felt as though they transformed into a physical slap to my face.

I started to explain what all I had accomplished the past week, but was interrupted with more negative comments related to concerns I had mentioned to her throughout the previous weeks: "You need to STOP HELPING your co-workers; if they don't catch on and learn the job, and if they don't want to be here, then let them go, let them walk out - we don't want them here anyways, we can replace anyone here.  You can't care about your co-workers or your patients so much.  We will always have a high turnover rate, with new people probably every week, and you need to learn how to deal with it."  Now, before I continue on with my story, I will admit that some change is good, and I DO understand that there will be a fair amount of turnover at our office; however, I also know that SOME stability is important!  In my business experience (15 years in the workforce HAS taught me a fair amount), high turnover is NOT good.  There are plenty of studies and articles that outline the negative effects that high turnover has on a business:

• The shocking cost of turnover in health care
• The cost of turnover: Putting a price on the learning curve  
• Turnover rates and organization performance: A meta-analysis 
• The long term influence of service employee attrition on customer outcomes and profits
• High employee turnover can affect company performance
• How high employee turnover harms your performance  

My biggest problem with this high turnover situation is that in the end, it is my patients who become affected: I have had several patients quit care BECAUSE OF the high turnover rate!  That means they are not getting the care they NEED and DESERVE because of something that we CAN work to make better.  And that's where my ethics start to get compromised.

She continued on: "The bad thing Dr. T is that you're not mold-able, you're not conforming - we thought you would, and it would be an easy transition.  But you're NOT conforming, and we're disappointed.  You need to think about if this is really the right place for you...maybe you don't belong here."  Ooo, I don't belong...I don't fit it...I was called a disappointment.  I have only once in my life had a previous employer tell me they were disappointed in one aspect of my job performance (I did not meet credit card sales goals at a retail job); but never that they were disappointed in who I was.  Also, I am all for doing what your employer tells you, but if "conforming" compromises my ethics - then I'm out.  I'd even conformed pretty well - keeping on schedule with VERY short appointment times, getting patients scheduled with one of the other docs in the office, following treatment plan outlines, selling things such as decompression packages and supplements and oils and supplies, following up with my patients, etc.  But now, as she continued to inform me, I was not conforming in the aspect that I help my co-workers, and I care too much about my patients.  I was starting to feel like this:

My office manager could see that I was upset, and told me to take the morning off.  I said OK, and promptly went home and wrote my resignation letter.  This was a long story (I know I know lol), but I learned a LOT that day that I wanted to share.

First of all, you HAVE to be true to yourself, stand up for yourself, and stand up for what you believe in.  I believe in genuinely caring about my patients and co-workers, and giving my patients the best care possible.  If anything gets in the way of that, then it conflicts with my ethics - and that is unacceptable.

Second,  I was being told to conform, and Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will."  The pattern of this world is one that values money and prestige - not things that God values.  God explicitly states to NOT conform to things that make you uncomfortable, and my whole purpose in life is to follow Him.  I will come back to this scripture in my next blog post (which will be about how to seek and find God's will for your life).

While it was a hard decision to walk away from the career I had worked so hard for, God confirmed my answer to leave that Friday morning.  All the money and fame in the world is not worth it if I have to compromise who I am and what I believe in.  Most people will probably not understand my decision, but I am who I am - a child of God.  I'll choose my God, my peace, and my health over every worldly thing, every time.