Something I Previously Enjoyed

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of day.  I also liked waking up to a fresh, new morning that was full of possibilities, but bedtime was always the best.  It felt so good to lay down on a comfy mattress in soft sheets, curl up with a pillow and my cat, and drift off into restful sleep.  No matter what else happened during the course of a day, I could always count on the joy of going to bed at night.

Until halfway through my cancer treatment.

Other than generalized anxiety, I'm still not sure what has triggered this new insomnia trend.  Even through the worst of chemo I was always able to sleep at least 5 hours per night.  I know many people who have struggled with insomnia, and it always seemed awful.  Now I can confirm that it is!  I've started dreading and even fearing going to bed at night, because it seems that's when the demons attack.  What used to feel like a calm, quiet, relaxing time is now seems to be stormy, and loud (with thoughts) time.  Even darkness, which used to trigger relaxation, now made me feel alone, anxious, and constantly reminded me of death.  I started going to sleep with a light on, which probably was not helpful (since supposedly it messes with your awake-sleep cycle or what not), but it helped me to relax a bit.  It seemed like if I could see things around me, then I would be ok; but when things are dark and I can't see, then it's like my life is slipping away.  What a mess in my little head!!! lol...

I also seem to have developed some sort of restless leg action as well.  After my second round of chemo, I had experienced something like this with the "crawling" sensations, but this was more than just crawling.  I felt that if I didn't get up and move my legs I would seriously explode.  W T F!!!  So bedtime isn't the good time it used to be for me, lol.    

I am so thankful that this devotional (which I recommend for any woman going through cancer; and THANK YOU PAM!) came into my life at the perfect time!  Psalm 91 was part of the scripture readings for today, which reads (and I like this one because it's a good reminder of upcoming Memorial Day):

I love verse 5 that says, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  This is the best reminder that God is watching over us at all times of the day, and that even though I have been feeling anxious and alone and scared, He is always with us and protecting us.  We need not fear the dark of night, or even the arrows (doctor's appointments, work and life stresses, etc) that may try to attack us during the day.  The NIV Life Application Bible sums it all up perfectly: "God is a shelter, a refuge when we are afraid.  The writer's faith in the Almighty God as Protector would carry us through all the dangers and fears of life.  This should be a picture of our trust - trading all our fears for faith in him, no matter how intense our fears.  To do this we must 'dwell' and 'rest' with him.  By entrusting ourselves to his protection and pledging our daily devotion to him, we will be kept safe."

Ok side note: I've been anxious since noon today that I haven't received a call about radiation yet, as I was hoping to start next week.  As I was finishing typing the above quote, guess what - my phone rang, and I start radiation at 3:30 on Monday!!!  Oh how I still need to learn to TRULY and FULLY trust Him!!!  And now I'm distracted and unfocused so I will wrap this up with a quick update lol.  I got my right expander mostly deflated on Tuesday, and I was SO WORRIED about walking around with lopsided breasts!  Mostly because of my OCD brain!  But it's not as bad as I thought, and doesn't look as bad as I thought either thankfully.  I went bra shopping with my bestie last weekend (which I was VERY anxious about, to the point of having a meltdown outside Victoria's Secret...so thankful for best friends!) and got me a bra that kinda helps keep the shape over on the right for me.  I also got to enjoy a Royals game with my fab coworkers this week (and a game the week before for Mom's B-Day!), which was a BLAST; plus we won!!!  Doc even got us a premium parking pass so we LITERALLY parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the stadium (because walking long distances is still a struggle for me...getting better, but I'd rather spend my energy walking to the Fountain Bar to get a Royal Rita than walking through the parking lot, I'LL BE HONEST! lol...also we discovered that you're practically a celebrity if you walk around the stadium with a Royal Rita, so be prepared!) and covered seats in case I'd start radiation treatment...so awesome!  And my man Dyson did AWESOME!  So even with a lopsided chest, it's been a great week :)  Ok thanks again ya'll for your love and support, and God bless!!!  <3

Dyson at bat!

 BRRR it was SO COLD when we went for Mom's b-day!  

D'awwww!!!  Those feet tho...LMAO! 

Hairs a' Growin'!!!

I noticed this morning I've started to get a lot of hair growth, especially on my legs! I'm super happy for my head hairs, but not as much for my leg hairs. However it's a sign of growth and healing, so overall I'm happy! Never thought I'd be happy to have hairy legs!!! 😉😂

Happy Mother's Day!!! I Love You Mom!!! :)

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there, but especially to all the mother's who are also caretakers of their children; and especially ESPECIALLY my wonderful mother, who is THE best out there!  Thank you Mom for all you've done for me while being sick.  While I can't say I've totally enjoyed this cancer journey, it's brought us closer together (which I didn't know was possible) and has shown me how truly amazing and strong you are (which I always knew you were, just not to what extent!).  This verse to the right (Proverbs 31:26) is you to a T...I'm always amazed at how strong you are!!!

Thank you for always taking care of me, whether it's fixing me a meal that I either didn't end up eating or only ate two bites of, or cleaning up after my messes in the kitchen.  Thank you for cleaning up after me outside the kitchen as well, as this body has made SO many messes the past few months!!!  And thanks for doing my laundry and cleaning my room when I'm too weak, just so I feel at peace.  Thank you for always being there when I needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to me vent about how sick and tired I am of being a cancer patient.  Thank you for always telling me how beautiful I am when I tell you I feel like an ugly cut-up beat-up rag-doll.  Thank you for always listening to me and helping me to sort through my tumultuous emotions about cancer and life.  Thank you for staying up late with me and sitting with me till I fall asleep, just so I don't have to feel alone.  Thank you for dragging me out in public when all I want to do is lay in my little crawled-up ball.  Thank you for fighting all my insurance claims - personal and at work (the ones I get stuck on! lol).  Thank you for holding the fort down at the office while I've been gone soooo much, and answering pretty much all the phone calls when I was in chemo-land.

Thank you for, when I told you I had cancer, not just crying and commiserating with me, but telling me to own it: "Tell yourself you have cancer, and that you're going to deal with it, and you will get through this."  Initially I was so scared of dying, but since you told me that right off the bat I haven't worried about dying since then.  Thank you for always helping me to stay positive, and keep my faith.

You tell people that it should have been you that got cancer, and I tell them I am so thankful it was NOT you, because I know that watching you go through what I have gone through would have been too hard for me.  I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for this journey, and if I didn't have you there always showing me and reminding me what true strength and faith are.  Plus Dad couldn't have handled that LOL :)

Thank you for all you've done even before I got sick.  Thank you for carrying me for (almost lol) 9 months, giving birth to me, raising me, loving me, disciplining me, and all the other things you've done for me.  Thank you for always being patient, kind, and giving to me, and to everyone you meet.  You are truly a gift from our great God, and I am so thankful for that.  You are the most strong and amazing person I know, and I am blessed and honored to be your daughter.  <3  And your roommate and co-worker as well!  I love you more than I have words to express.  Now, can you please bring me another box of kleenex?  ;) <3

Chemo #5!!! Ice Ice Baby!!! :D

Here's chemo rap for round #5 today!!!  Ice, Ice, BABY!!!  :)  God bless!!!

First: Rant. Second: Fun!

First:  Rant.  

As I approach my fifth (and second to last!) round of heavy chemo, I'm anxious.  Nervous.  Scared. This fourth round was tough; a lot tougher than I expected.  I knew that as my toxicity levels increase, my symptoms will increase; but I did not expect it to be THAT much worse than my third cycle.  In the scheme of things, it was not that awful; but what scares me is knowing that I have two more doses of that heavy stuff.  And that each one will most likely be worse.  I know I can handle it, I know I will get through it, but it is the going through it that scares me so much.  

I've also started feeling frustrated with it all.  Mostly the constant nausea (and occasional vomiting), mouth pain and sores (this time my throat got mega irritated also), ever-increasing fatigue (the intermittent insomnia helps, hah), body aches and pains, skin discolorations and rashes and splitting, nosebleeds (which thankfully are not painful, just more of a nuisance), and lately my fingernail tenderness has been really making me frustrated.  My nails are often just straight up painful...if I bump my nail or even just the finger, even the slightest bit, it sends shock-like pain through my entire hand.  I can't scratch an itch (which is probably a good thing, because I would probably shred my delicate skin lol!), open containers, and even writing and typing sometimes bother them.  If I do try to scratch my skin or use my nails, it feels as though they are lifting off of the nail bed...literally like they are about to pop right off!  Creepy!!!  And while I do think it is kind of cool how there are what I call "chemo-cycle lines" in my nails (like tree rings!), my pinky nails have started darkening.  For some reason, losing my nails freaks me out more than losing my hair or any of the other gross or annoying things.  I don't know why, maybe because I've never seen anyone who has lost a nail, but it's got to look creepy and just...WRONG!  LOL like what the heck does a freshly-uncovered nail bed look like?!  I could Google it, but I won't...I SHOULD remember from grad school, but my (and yes, this is my favorite excuse!) chemo brain isn't letting me recall many things! ;)  

Aside from the physical junk, I just feel so off...I just don't feel like myself.  I feel like I am disconnected from myself, like I'm just not me.  I'm so thankful my family, friends, and coworkers all still put up with me, because I feel like I'm a really crappy version of myself lately!  I know everyone is understanding, and hopefully none of them perceive me that way, but ugh I just want to feel like myself again!  I am so thankful that I will feel like myself relatively soon, and that I only have a few more weeks of this stuff.  

Second: FUN! :D 

But in the midst of all this crap, I've been fortunate to have had a lot of good times over the past few weeks!!!  I've gone out to lunch with friends and have done some shopping which is always fun, and gets me up and moving!  I've also got some cute new clothes to wear this spring and summer, and every girl loves having new clothes to look forward to wearing! :)  While part of me feels guilty that material things such as new clothes excite me, another part of me knows that I need to do everything I can right now (within reason, of course) to give myself all the motivation and excitement about the future that I can get!  

Last week I found out that I was chosen to be a Portrait of Hope for the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer program, which I'm super excited about!!!  Basically I get to share my story and talk about various things with the media and at Making Strides events and what not. I will find out more in the next few weeks, but I am so excited to share my story on a larger platform, and hopefully encourage and inspire many more people!  When Claire McCaskill announced her diagnosis last Monday, I was able to talk to Fox 4 about my story, and I had a BLAST talking with Abby Eden!  She is an absolute DOLL!  Click HERE for the link for the article and news clip if you want to see it!   

I also got to go talk to the Olathe East girl's basketball team, who raised enough money for more Healing Chairs!!!  They are an AWESOME group of girls, and I was so blessed meeting them!  

Surrounded by amazing women!!!

Talking to the girls, and my Italian blood is coming out!!!  LOL!  

Yesterday my mom hosted a little craft party, and some family and friends came over and we had a BLAST!!!  Oh my, so much food and fun and craftiness, I slept soooo good last night lol!!!  We made these super cute Easter wreaths (ok, well, I'm STILL working on mine...haha), and it was so nice to hang out and talk and laugh with everyone!!!  

 Work in progress!  

This little blue one still cracks me up, LOL!!!   

I also got to see Newsies Thursday night, which I HIGHLY recommend, it's awesome!!!  And thanks again Ashlea for taking me!!!  :D  So all in all, life is good...I'm so thankful to be alive, and enjoying this beautiful life that God has given me (and this beautiful weather as well!).  Thanks again for all your prayers, love, and support...it's still what's keeping me going!!!  

Devotion Time Blues and a Makeup Review!

There are many authors I love, but one that I regularly thank God for is Lysa TerKerust.  The current Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study is on her book "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl," and just like all of Lysa's books, I find myself wanting to highlight and remember virtually every single sentence.  The chapter I read today, "Devotion Time Blues," reminded me of why I need to make it a top priority to spend time with God each and every morning.

For a couple of months now, I have felt that it is of utmost importance to put on all my makeup every morning.  I think that if I feel good about how I look (less like a cancer patient, and more like the 32 year old fun-loving gal I am), then I will feel good about myself and my day will go smoothly.  While I do believe that it's important to feel good about ourselves, including how we look, it's even more important to remember how we look and feel inside.  I can paint on eyebrows, put mascara on my sparse eyelashes, highlight and contour and do whatever all else I want to try and look pretty; but if I do not feel pretty on the inside, then it doesn't matter if I'm bald or a beauty queen.  Or a bald beauty queen!  Spending time with God, and His word, every single morning is crucial to not only surviving the day, but enjoying it as well.  

***On a (very important) side note, I discovered an AMAZING eyebrow line, Anastasia Beverly Hills.  A patient recommended this last week, and I picked some brow powder up at Ulta last night and it is literally AMAZING (see pics down below!).  Definitely get this duo angle/spooley brush with it too (spooley is my new favorite word!).  This little thing should last years, I hardly used any of it and my brows looked fab!  I'm glad it was way easier than a pencil to apply and get a natural looking brow.

Some quotes from the chapter (these are my faves, I could have quoted the entire chapter!):

• "Why is it so important to spend time with Jesus every day?  Because He will give us the exact instruction and comfort we need to handle all He sees coming our way - how to act and, even more challenging, how to react in every situation.  It is the perfect measure of His peace, packaged up just for us.  With great expectation, we can stick it in our pocket and carry it with us.  Instead of being slaves to our emotions and reacting based on our feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what."  
• "It seems like such an elementary thing to state that we should spend time with Jesus and read the Bible every day...but it's amazing how I'll sit down to do this and suddenly a million urgent action items flood my brain.  Suddenly it's so tempting to answer an email, throw in a load of laundry, write out a grocery list, and start getting my day in order.  However, if I fail to get my heart in order first, I am guaranteeing myself a misplaced attitude that day.  Hands down.  Without exception.  If I don't spend a time with Jesus, my reactions will be harsher, my perspectives a little more self-centered, my emotions a little more on edge, and my tongue a little less grace-filled."  
• "Oh, how we underestimate the power made available to us when we spend time with God.  Our earthly eyes are so limited because they don't allow us to see what is happening in the heavenly realm.  A daily battle is being fought for our attention and our devotion.  Satan would love nothing more than to keep us separated from the power God gives us during our time with Him.  It's time to stop feeling guilty and ill-equipped and start embracing the incredible privilege to meet with Jesus every day."  
• "There are many ways I can choose to react when things happen each day.  I can choose the way of 'It's my right to be frustrated.'  I can choose the way of 'Doesn't anyone listen to me around here?'  I can choose the way of ' Do you know how this makes me feel?'  Or, I can choose to let God teach me His way.  My way leads to all kinds of runaway feelings that pull me away from the truth and into an absolute pit of yuck.  His way leads to calmly finding a solution without all the anger and frustration.  His way leads to me being able to extend grace - the same grace I so desperately need myself.  And His way leads me to the truth."  

And now for more pictures!  :)  Have a blessed week ya'll!!!

Before brow magic (I found pink ribbon cider!!!)

After brow magic (aren't we cute?!)

This cookie is so cute and sparkly, I had to share!  And the plate was cool too!!!  The host of the part is a graphic designer, so everything looked cool! :D   

Round #3, In Pictures :)

This blog is mostly pictures - yay for those who don't like to read!!!  (AKA my beloved boyfriend :)

This round was, again, different from the one before it!  Lots more nausea this time (still not horrible, thankfully), and my hands that had started cracking have started bleeding.  I've started sleeping with vinyl gloves on, over layers of lotion and vaseline!!!  Thanks Mom for the tip, it seems to be helping, yay! :D  

Last week left hand:

This week left hand (ouch!): 

But thankfully my nails still look awesome!!!

My BFF came out to hang at my last treatment (thank you Ashlea!!! :D ):

Ashlea also took me to the KU vs UK game last weekend, which was a BLAST!  We even went dancing afterwards, woot woot!!!  

ROCK CHALK!!!  

It was LOUD and HOT but FUN!!!  This is the decibel meter!  

Of course, I had to go shopping for a cute KU shirt before the game: 

I could've passed for a player, right?!  I loved this jersey-shirt, but it was too scratchy :-/ 

A delicious meal, HOME MADE pasta, brought by a beautiful survivor friend!  

A pretty pattern on a chilly morning:  

A GORGEOUS sunrise...it looks like the sky is on fire!  Amazing!  

Coffee at my favorite coffee house with Dad!  

 A beautiful plant from a referral office, that led to meeting another beautiful survivor!  

A chicken and cheese meal my brother cooked for me, and I LOVE the face that came in the cheese!!!  LOL!   

He also had us over to his apartment and cooked amazing brussels sprouts!!!  With chicken :)  And we got to play with his and Sarah's adorable new cat Pippin!!!

A beautiful sunset!

My buddy, always full of snuggles when I get home from chemo!  

All in all, the past few weeks have been a blast!  I've also gotten to hang out with other friends (thank you Katie for FINALLY introducing me to The Goldbergs - HILARIOUS!) and my coworkers (yay margaritas!!!  Love you guys! :).  Round #4 is this coming Friday...bring it on!!!  Hope you all are having a blessed weekend :) <3