Foggy like an October Morning

I am finally learning to accept it: my new normal. I had always heard about people "finding" their "new normal" after cancer treatment, but I always figured life would just go back to being exactly how it was before. But it never does, as you come out of it a different person than you were going into it. I tend to get hung up on the few frustrating things, instead of focusing on all the good things (of which there are MANY, thankfully).

For me, the most frustrating thing is the brain fog! Before I started cancer treatment, I did have some brain fog from my autoimmune issues, but nothing like it is now. I had been doing well, until I started Tamoxifen again a few weeks ago (thankfully I am not crazy depressed this time - praise the Lord!). I feel like my body is running around doing things, going through the motions, yet my brain is stuck in molasses. Good days (no brain fog) feel like my thoughts are running through water, they just move in and out and around with little resistance, and are pretty easy to control. Bad days (very foggy) make me feel like I have Jello for a brain - thoughts come in and get stuck. Very stuck. And when I can manage to think through things, they leave a sticky trail like a slug...which is not only gross, but gunks up my brain more.

Ok that was kinda random...but anyways! This graphic pretty much sums it up:


It frustrates me because it slows me down sometimes, and anyone who knows me knows that I DESPISE moving slow, going slow, or anything slow in general. I like speed and efficiency (I'm a typical goat Capricorn, ain't I? lol). Thankfully all my friends and family say they don't notice it (or they are just being REALLY nice), which is AWESOME; but I still feel it, and it is frustrating to me, as it slows me down. I can't explain things as well as I would like to. I am not as talkative as I used to be (which may be a good thing! lol). I get overwhelmed and overstimulated VERY easily. Etc etc...

Outside of my frustrations with  myself at work, there is one thing that drives me nuts about the brain fog more than any other: my social skills. I have a LOT more social anxieties than I used to (which I didn't really have any previously). Going to the grocery store gives me great anxiety - for no good reason. As with many of my anxieties, I cannot pinpoint why these things give me anxiety, I just know they do. I manage to work through them, and they are getting easier with time (and special thanks to Austin for helping me navigate the scary grocery store, and loading up the items onto the conveyor belt for me...that is the scariest part! #facepalm).

The other aspect of my "social skills" that drives me nuts is my communication skills...this was never something I was great at anyways lol! I've always been terrible about returning phone calls (as in, I rarely return them), but I used to be pretty good about returning texts, emails, FB messages, etc. Nowadays, I am not even good about that! I often compose or reply to a message in my head, but never actually send it. Some days, I am too tired, and I will try to think of a response, and I just can't form the words; and my perfectionist self doesn't want to just send a hurried response. Other days, I simply forget. While I used to be able to just quickly reply, now days all my responses are typically pretty well thought out. Which is probably a good thing, but it slows me down.

Anyways, I just want you all to know that you are often in my thoughts, and always in my prayers. And thanks for always being supportive and understanding...I have the best family, friends, and coworkers a girl could have!!!  <3

Planned Parenthood - Natalie Style!

So, how does one start a blog post that's very, very personal???  Yeah, no clue...so I'll dive right in!!! lol...ok so yes...while we believe my fertility is most likely shot, there's no way of guaranteeing that I will for sure not get pregnant.  Unless I am completely abstinent for the rest of my life; which, yeah...probably not going to happen for the girl who made sugar cookies with "SEX" written on them in red food gel lettering on them in high school!!!  *facepalm for my high school self* 

Le sigh...

Anyways, when I first thought I wanted to blog about this topic, I questioned my motives.  I've never actually questioned my "why am I sharing this" before, because I always just knew it was because I wanted to educate, encourage, and inspire others.  Also, up until now, everything has been relatively easy to share, because all of my decisions have been widely accepted and understood by all of my family, friends, and people in general.  Reproduction is the only subject I've received any condemnation on, which is why I questioned my motives for sharing all this.  Do I feel the need to justify my decisions?  Do I think that I need approval from others?  Or do I truly want to be transparent about this deeply sensitive, emotional, and almost taboo topic, in hope that it educates and helps others?  

After a lot of contemplation, it is my hope and prayer that you read this with an open mind and and open heart; which is how we should approach everyone in life.  I do not expect everyone to understand, but I hope it gives you some insight into the lives and minds of those of us who willingly choose to not have children of our own.  

While I am still prayerfully considering my options, I know in my heart what is best for me, my body, and my life; and also what I want most.  Pretty much all of my healthcare-related decisions up until this point have really only affected ME; deciding to permanently sterilize oneself directly affects others, especially any future spouse.  All my decisions up until now have been pretty easy to make: 

• Surgery:  Lumpectomy?  Mastectomy?  Single or double?  Reconstruction?  FLAP/TRAM, expanders/implants, or nothing?  Nipple conservation?  Nipple reconstruction?  3D tattoos?  Saline, silicone, or gummy?  Teardrop or round?  For me, this was the easiest decision to make...the night I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted my breasts completely removed, so I could have brand new ones!!!  LOL...thank the Lord for giving me tiny breasts to begin with, so that it was an easy decision!  
• Chemotherapy:  A controversial topic in and of itself, especially when you come from a natural health background.  Not only does it involve the decision to undergo chemo (are the short and long-term side effect risks worth the benefits?  Should I do chemo first?), but also do you want to get a port or picc line?  This was also an easy decision for me, thankfully.  I knew I wanted to get a power port, and do absolutely everything I could to save my life; even if it included going through hell with chemotherapy...because I knew I would be going to hell and back.  And I wanted to come back and stick around here for a long time!  
• Radiation:  I dreaded this for some reason, I think because I had a feeling it would make me tired.  It did, of course, but I trusted my doctors, my knowledge and research, my gut instincts, and of course God to help me know that this was another good choice for me.  
• Tamoxifen:  Still up for debate on this one, but it's still a much easier decision to take this pill for 10 years than decide on reproductive options.

Speaking of Tamoxifen, this is one factor that's helped me make my decision.  Tamoxifen is an estrogen-blocker that is an oral medication taken daily that stops estrogen-positive cancers from coming back.  Since my cancer THRIVED on estrogen, this is a very good option for me.  It is supposed to be taken for 10 years, and you are not supposed to get pregnant during this time (due to teratogenic effects).  My 10 years will basically be starting at age 33 for me, which will make me 43 when I finish the course.  

Personally, I know I don't want to be giving birth to and raising children at age 43, for many reasons that I'm sure you can imagine.  Yes, I could stop the medication at some point, but I know that the worry of "OMG will my hormones going out of whack bring my tumor back?!?  What if it grows back and I have this child and then die from cancer?!?"  Yes, those are extreme thoughts and worries, but I know myself well enough to know that those concerns would overwhelm me, and Natalie does not do well when she is stressed out (as we have seen by Natalie getting cancer previously).  :)  

So what is a girl to do when she does not want to get pregnant, but wants to have sex someday lol, and cannot have any form of hormonal birth control?  

I had a nice conversation with my oncologist yesterday about my options.  I'm sure I will review them with her in more detail, as well as with my OBGYN, but with my mother dearest and my dear boyfriend in the room with me, I just wanted an overview and short discussion of my current options, which for me include: IUD, medically-induced menopause (I'm currently in peri-menopause), tubal ligation, or ovary removal.  Just some minor things...

My first thought with an IUD was "What?!  I don't want a foreign implant in my body!!!"  Then remembered I have two large foreign implants sitting in my body right now!  So what makes an IUD any different???  As far as it being a foreign object, there is no difference really, but for me physically it is not the best option.  Medically-induced menopause?  Um...SCARY!!!  As is ovary removal!!!  I'm thankful I don't have any of the BRCA gene mutations, or else they'd definitely want to be harvesting my ovaries!  I really feel for all my friends who are having theirs out...love you guys (well, girls...you're amazing! <3 ).  So while it's not a done deal, a tubal ligation is most likely my best option for me, both personally and physically.  

So, if I CAN have something reversible, why wouldn't I want that?  Because I know, in my heart, that I do not want to produce children with my body, or with my eggs (over the past year I've realized I don't want my DNA passed on...which sounds silly I know, but with all of my issues and family history issues...yeah no lol).  As crazy as it sounds (and believe me, I have been told by MANY people over many years [and especially over the past year] that this is crazy, that there must be something wrong with me, that I'm not a REAL woman, etc etc...) I have never really wanted children of my own; nor have I ever had the desire to be pregnant or give birth.  I know, many of you are reading this and going WHAT?!?  Because I know many of you want nothing more than to become pregnant with your own child, to carry your own child, and to give birth to your child.  And I think that is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and you know I keep you in my prayers.  I am thankful, however, that this is something God has never put on my heart.  I had never understood it, and I always DID think I was weird or that something was wrong with me; but when I was diagnosed with cancer, and heard that I could possibly never had children, it all made sense and I thanked God.  

I did always wonder that if I met the right person, and was in the right relationship, I might change my mind.  But I have (FINALLY! ;) met the right person, and am in the right relationship, and my feelings have not changed.  I can't predict the future, and I could be wrong, but I do not forsee myself ever changing my mind on this one.  

How can I say this with such confidence?  Well, for one, I have always known that if I were to want children, I want to adopt them.  Not to liken children to animals, but I've always felt about children like I do about animals:  there are SO MANY IN THE WORLD WHO DON'T HAVE HOMES, or people to love them!!!  I can't handle thinking about all the animals in shelters...OMG it breaks me heart and brings me to tears if I even start to think about it!!!  And if I see one of those blasted ASPCA etc commercials, even just for one nanosecond of a mangy animal who has that look of heartbreak in their eyes, I'm emotionally ruined for a week.  

So when I picture children like that, my heart breaks a million times over. 

No offense to animal breeders, because those animals need homes too; but there are already SO MANY who need homes!  And for me, it is that way with children too: there area already SO MANY who need homes and love and care; why would I NOT choose them???  I know that probably sounds ridiculous and crazy, but for some crazy reason (maybe because I AM crazy? lol) I've always felt that way, and had that opinion.  

Now, know that I've already gotten a lot of crap about this too throughout my life: 

• "Why would you want to raise someone else's kids?!?"  Because SOMEONE HAS TO!  And why NOT me???  Because, if not me, then who else will show them and give them the love, encouragement, support, etc that they need?  
• "You just don't know what you're getting when you adopt!"  LOL...this one always cracks me up, because you know what???  You don't know what you're getting with LIFE!!!  As soon as you enter this world, you don't know what you're getting!  We aren't guaranteed anything in life; we're not even guaranteed tomorrow.  You might be the most perfect person, with the most perfect spouse, with the most perfect DNA (which none of that even exists); but until Jesus returns this world ain't perfect, and your children will be out in this crazy, corrupted world...so you don't really know what you're getting with anything (especially with kids!).  Until we truly solve the whole nature vs. nuture debate, I'll just keep my mind focused on Jesus.  
• "But what if they grow up and kill you?  Or kill others?"  My first response is typically, "Well what if YOUR children grow up and kill YOU, or others?"  Thankfully, I'm ususally shocked into silence long enough for my filter to kick in, and I don't actually say that.  My usual response is, "Ok, if they kill or harm or do bad stuff, yep that would be horrible; I cannot imagine that!  And if they kill me, well then I'll be up in heaven with Jesus!  And how many non-adopted children grow up and do bad things?  But seriously, we can't fear the future for any reason.  We can fear the future for so many reasons, but if we do that then we will miss out on so many of the amazing things that God has in store for us!"  And then they are the ones who are silenced.   
• "Oh, you will change your mind someday!"  Mmm...I haven't in 33 years now...maybe, but doubtful.  And if I do, well I know God will get me through that too!  
• ETC ETC!!! :)  

The best thing of all?  I have the most amazing and supportive family, friends, and boyfriend...without them, we all know I would not have made it this far in my journey; analld I surely could not be making a decision like this.  And my boyfriend, ahhhh dear Austin, what an amazing man!  I've been so blessed to have SO MANY "God things" and God-sends and gifts that I know are directly from God in my life time, and Austin is one of the best!  He is literally the man I've been looking for and praying for my whole life, and it amazes me every day that I have been blessed with such a perfect gift.  I could write so much on how and why I know he is a gift from God, but I'll keep this short and sweet: From the very beginning we've been on the same page about having children, and the dude is more than open and willing to adopt (and his reasons would melt your heart!).  Plus,any man that can sit through a doctor's appointment and listen to all the things discussed yesterday (as if hearing that your girlfriend should probably have her tubes tied isn't bad enough, all the other bodily conversations and what not were fun to listen to also I'm sure!) and not run out of the room and hold my hand during chemotherapy is simply amazing...simply perfect <3 

I'm amazed every single day at how my life has changed for the better since my cancer diagnosis.  Never in a million years did I think I would have cancer at age 31; and never in a million years did I think I would kick cancer's ass and come out happier and better than ever!  

Ok, so that was a lot!  Thank you for reading, I hope you learned something or at least have some insight into us crazy, weird, strange women who are different than "normal" women.  Now I have that song (I think it's from Sesame Street???) that goes like, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong!" stuck in my head! LOL!!!  Except I know where I belong...right here, right now, right where God has me.  Love you all so much, and thank you <3 <3 <3 

Mastectomy and Radiation Tips

These are things that I came up with that helped me when I was going through treatment, and hopefully they will help you too! If you have any additional tips, please comment below so I can add them. Thank you!!! ❤

• After mastectomy: Go slowly. Have patience with yourself. Allow yourself to slow down, as tough as it may be. It may take you 20 minutes for your first bathroom run, but don't worry about time; just focus on healing. 
• Stay on top of the pain meds (as in taking them as prescribed, not waiting extra hours between doses), at least for the first few days. I didn't have too much pain at all while resting, as long as I stayed on top of the meds! I only needed them for less than a week post surgery.
• Movement is the most painful part, including shifting around, reaching for things, standing and sitting, etc. I was surprised to find that it was more of a burning pain (from nerves being cut) than a sharp stabbing pain. It was honestly intense at times but never more than I could bear, so do not worry too much about the pain because the meds help tremendously. Bracing my chest (basically hugging a heart pillow across my chest as hard as I could) helped TREMENDOUSLY!!!
• If they wrap you in an ace bandage, watch for skin irritation. If skin irritation occurs, try using some aloe vera on the skin (being careful to avoid any incisions or drain openings). Something else that worked good for me was to wear a tank top or camisole over the bandages, and under the ace wrap. I was scratching several spots on my back.
• Remember that if you are having a mastectomy with reconstruction, remember that what you see the first time you see your chest with the bandages off is NOT the finished product! While it may scare or disappoint some, remember that you did this surgery because you are strong enough to handle it; you did this because you chose life. And now the cancerous breast(s) are gone.
• Get a recliner (buy one, borrow one, etc), preferably one with a lift-up feature. The transitions from laying to sitting, and sitting to standing can be very painful, as things shift around as you move. I didn't sit or sleep anywhere other than that recliner for weeks after my surgery. If you're in the Kansas City area, contact me or Google The Healing Chair Kansas City to contact us to sign up for a recliner to borrow after your mastectomy! The girls are great, they deliver it and set it up and when you're done they come and get it! Plus they're amazing women! St. Louis hs a Healing Chair charity too.
• Connect with other breast cancer survivors. This one is especially important in my opinion, as during the really tough moments I thought of them. Drawing on their strength, and the strength and hope I received from crying out to God, kept me going.
• Accept and enjoy help. You will most likely have several or more people who want to help you before and after your surgery. This was tough for me, because I always prided myself on being very independent, and being the one to help others. I resisted assistance in every way initially, until a friend (and fellow CA survivor) reminded me that people WANT to help. You may also be surprised, as was I, at how much people really do want to help; especially strangers. Don't reject offers for help; embrace them! I needed helped even feeding myself for the first day or two, so I'm so thankful for my momma!!! ❤
• Don't get scared about what you will look like. I was terrified to look at my new breasts the first time they took bandages off, but I saw what looked like a regular breast, minus a nipple, and plus an incision. But they were beautiful, and cancer free.
• Buy oversized button down tops. I bought 2 sizes up, and I am so thankful I did! I allowed myself to splurge on 3 pairs of Victorias Secret pajamas, because I figured they would help me feel pretty after my surgery. I also wouldn't let myself wear them until after surgery, so that that had something to look forward to! Other than getting the cancer out of me, of course ;-)
• Don't be surprised by odd sensations. I experiences pain, swelling, numbess, tingling, pressure, stiffness, soreness, and even a bizarre "bubbling" sensation at times. Even having studied the nervous system extensively, I was surprised at how many different sensations I would experience in just my breasts after surgery! Even sometimes all within the same day!
• Heart shaped pillows and drain pouches were my life savers! I had a cousin of mine who wanted to help and is a rock star at sewing make some of these for me, and they were absolutely perfect! I would have been miserable without them!!!
• I also used a heart shaped pillows to put in the small of my low back at times, when my low back started getting site from sitting around so much. 
• Ice was my best friend! 20 minutes every couple of waking hours helped take the edge off the pain, swelling, and itching (from under the ace wrap).
• Keep the drain cords close to body, and be cautions where your walking, and what you lean up against. I.e. don't get your drain cord hooked around a drawer knob, and walk away...only to feel the the pull from the drain site! Lol
• Keep a blog or journal. It's fun to reflect upon how far you've come. You can do a journal, but blogging allows you to share your journey with as few or as many people as you want. It's also an easy way to help friends and family keep up with you.
• Dry shampoo, face wipes, and baby wipes were all live savers!
• Wedge pillows were awesome for under my legs, and for sleeping on after I was done with recliner. 
• Drain removal - no pain! Only felt something where they insert! So freeing!!!
• Remember the good and sweet moments. I remember my mom washing my hair in our kitchen sink, patiently waiting for me when I winced in pain. I remember my boyfriend gently washing my fave with a Burts Bee's facial cleansing cloth. These sweet, beautiful moments that many people don't get to experience. When my mom hand fed me at the hospital because it was too excruciating to move my arms.
• Radiation - I used strictly aloe vera on the entire radiation sites twice per day, and I maintenance a healthy diet (lots of water and vegetables, low sugar and alcohol), and I didn't have any real burns or skin changes until the last week. Be prepared for fatigue, but also for brain fog too! Random symptoms can happen. Oh and make sure it's pure aloe vera gel, not oil or anything! And don't apply it less than 4 hours before a treatment! I also had some itching inside my breast, which benadryl helped with. 
• After mastectomy, start moving as soon as you can, and as doctors allow. Getting range of motion back in shoulders and stretching out the chest and torso was so helpful in my recovery, and continuing it through radiation was crucial too. Commit to doing stretches EVERY DAY, even of you don't feel tight. Every time I've skipped a day of yoga and stretches, I've felt so tight the next few days! 
• As with all treatments, REST REST REST!!! 😊😴😪

Diagnose

Diagnosing...that's what we were taught to do in chiropractic school. I was the one who was supposed to be diagnosing others, but I've now found myself to be the one diagnosed.

With the "C-word."

I knew women my age could get breast cancer, but surely not me, and surely not at age 31. I mean that was so rare, no way it could be me...right? But it is me. And it turns out that it's ok.

In just 24 hours since getting the call yesterday I've already learned so much about myself, my family, people, and life.  I'm already stronger than I ever thought I could be. I always thought I couldn't handle even hearing that I had cancer. But I went to work today, scheduled appointments for myself, and had a lot of laughs. My family has amazed me. They have been incredibly supportive, and stronger than I could ever have hoped. I've discovered that people are amazing, and I think needed to be reminded of that. I have literally been blown away by all the prayers and gifts and well wishes I have received. I've always believed in prayer, but now I really believe in the POWER of prayer. What is surprising to me is that have never felt so much peace in my life as what I feel today. I have never felt as thankful as I feel today, nor as blessed.

I can't thank you all enough for all you have done already, but please know everything is appreciated. Tomorrow I am meeting with the surgeon, and I am so incredibly thankful that my mommy is able to come with me. In the meantime...have you checked yourself yet??? 😊 God bless!!!