PSA and Using COVID-19 for Good

The impact of COVID-19 is huge, and it is important to pay attention and take precautionary measures as necessary. I do not mean to draw attention away from that, or reduce its significant impact on our lives and on the world. While we are going through this global crisis, however, I urge you to stop and think about what we can learn from this virus.

As I am sure we all know by now, a virus spreads from an infected person spreading the pathogen to others by being in close contact with them, or through respiratory droplets produced when the infected person sneezes or coughs. This coronavirus is highly contagious and infectious, and it will affect many people. As you are taking important precautionary measures (hand washing, not touching your face, avoiding contact with anyone with cold or flu-like symptoms, etc), and as we pray for the world, I encourage you to also think about how other things are contagious.

Things like love and kindness.

Imagine if we spread love and kindness like a virus! If we smiled at everyone we encountered. If we, even when frustrated or angry or upset, spoke to others with kind and gentle words. And if we were just nicer all around – all of that is contagious!

When you see the acronym COVID-19, I encourage you to acknowledge that it stands for Coronavirus disease, but I also encourage you to think of this acronym as well (as you are washing your hands): Consider Others Very Important Darlings – 19. The COVID part is self-explanatory (consider others to be very important: be considerate of others, be kind, treat others as you want to be treated), but I left the 19 on there for an important reason. The number 19 in the Bible is a symbol of God’s divine order. This can mean different things to different people, and I urge you to think about what this means for you. For me, it means hope during crazy times such as this!

When the “storm has passed” and we all start going back out in public again, I encourage you to remember to spread kindness to everyone you meet. How amazing it would be if we could have a pandemic of love!

Thank you for reading, God bless!!!

Foggy like an October Morning

I am finally learning to accept it: my new normal. I had always heard about people "finding" their "new normal" after cancer treatment, but I always figured life would just go back to being exactly how it was before. But it never does, as you come out of it a different person than you were going into it. I tend to get hung up on the few frustrating things, instead of focusing on all the good things (of which there are MANY, thankfully).

For me, the most frustrating thing is the brain fog! Before I started cancer treatment, I did have some brain fog from my autoimmune issues, but nothing like it is now. I had been doing well, until I started Tamoxifen again a few weeks ago (thankfully I am not crazy depressed this time - praise the Lord!). I feel like my body is running around doing things, going through the motions, yet my brain is stuck in molasses. Good days (no brain fog) feel like my thoughts are running through water, they just move in and out and around with little resistance, and are pretty easy to control. Bad days (very foggy) make me feel like I have Jello for a brain - thoughts come in and get stuck. Very stuck. And when I can manage to think through things, they leave a sticky trail like a slug...which is not only gross, but gunks up my brain more.

Ok that was kinda random...but anyways! This graphic pretty much sums it up:


It frustrates me because it slows me down sometimes, and anyone who knows me knows that I DESPISE moving slow, going slow, or anything slow in general. I like speed and efficiency (I'm a typical goat Capricorn, ain't I? lol). Thankfully all my friends and family say they don't notice it (or they are just being REALLY nice), which is AWESOME; but I still feel it, and it is frustrating to me, as it slows me down. I can't explain things as well as I would like to. I am not as talkative as I used to be (which may be a good thing! lol). I get overwhelmed and overstimulated VERY easily. Etc etc...

Outside of my frustrations with  myself at work, there is one thing that drives me nuts about the brain fog more than any other: my social skills. I have a LOT more social anxieties than I used to (which I didn't really have any previously). Going to the grocery store gives me great anxiety - for no good reason. As with many of my anxieties, I cannot pinpoint why these things give me anxiety, I just know they do. I manage to work through them, and they are getting easier with time (and special thanks to Austin for helping me navigate the scary grocery store, and loading up the items onto the conveyor belt for me...that is the scariest part! #facepalm).

The other aspect of my "social skills" that drives me nuts is my communication skills...this was never something I was great at anyways lol! I've always been terrible about returning phone calls (as in, I rarely return them), but I used to be pretty good about returning texts, emails, FB messages, etc. Nowadays, I am not even good about that! I often compose or reply to a message in my head, but never actually send it. Some days, I am too tired, and I will try to think of a response, and I just can't form the words; and my perfectionist self doesn't want to just send a hurried response. Other days, I simply forget. While I used to be able to just quickly reply, now days all my responses are typically pretty well thought out. Which is probably a good thing, but it slows me down.

Anyways, I just want you all to know that you are often in my thoughts, and always in my prayers. And thanks for always being supportive and understanding...I have the best family, friends, and coworkers a girl could have!!!  <3

Much More Than Conquerors

Ahhh, verse mapping!!!  I love it...Breaking down scripture is so refreshing and satisfying!  It's one of my favorite activities that helps me better understand scripture, and grow closer to God.

Romans 8:31-39 was my reading for today.  There is SOOOO much to unpack in this passage, but what really caught my attention this morning was verse 37:

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." (NIV) 

At first, I just read through it like "OK cool, God loves us and we conquer stuff through him and his love ok yup yeah cool."  Then something told me to go back, and dig deeper...

I tend to think in short bursts (what I call "bullet-point style" lol); this is also how I do my verse mapping.  So if you can follow me, here we go :)

• "All these things" - In the passage, this is relating to the previous verses in the chapter, regarding condemnation, trouble, hardship, and persecution.  In the bigger picture relating to daily life, it relates to anything and everything in life (including hardships and troubles). 
• "We are" - Not "we might be," but WE ARE (and YOU ARE!).  No question about it!  
• Conquerors: 
• A conqueror is a person who conquers (I know, that's a tough one to grasp!).  
• Conquer means to: 
1. Overcome and take control of (a place or people) by use of military force 
2. Successfully overcome (a problem or weakness)
3. Climb (a mountain) successfully 
• This can be interpreted to mean that through him (God) and his love, we can conquer and overcome anything and everything.  We can conquer any problems.  We can successfully overcome any addictions, struggles, weaknesses, health issues, financial issues, anything can be overcome with God's love!!!  
• Now, what's even more awesome is that it doesn't stop there.  No, the Bible tells us "we are more than conquerors."  Not only can we overcome our problems and issues, but we are so much more than that!  We will not only survive through our problems, but we will truly thrive through (and after) our problems!  

With God's love, anything is possible.  We can conquer and overcome any setback, any issue, any problem, any frustration, anything and everything!  His love is how I've overcome many problems in life, including cancer, and how I will continue to push forward in life!  

"'If you can?' said Jesus.  'Everything is possible for one who believes.'"  ~Mark 9:23 (NIV)

Never forget you're an overcomer!!!  <3  God bless :)  

More than Fireworks

 HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!! 

It seems that everything is a 
little sweeter once you've been affected by cancer.  
Letters and notes from friends are more meaningful, rainy days are still considered beautiful, and smiles from strangers are more powerful.  


In the same spirit, I am more thankful than ever today to celebrate Independence Day! 
Memorial Day was also more meaningful for me this year.  



I am so thankful to live in a country where we can pretty much do as we please; land of the free because of the brave; and I am super thankful for those who founded this country and for those who have served and fought to keep it.  Because of them I am free to do so many things that millions of others around the world cannot do.  
I am free to write and publicly share my thoughts, feeling, and opinions (I love that first amendment!).  I am free to work at a job I love, with people I adore, and spend time with family and friends.  I am free to seek and receive treatment for cancer and any other ailments.  I am free to worship God and openly express my love and gratitude for Jesus Christ, without fear of consequences.  Just as we find freedom in Jesus, we find freedom here in America; thank God for both of those!

Regardless of politics, opinions, and the upcoming election, I hope and pray that we all just celebrate this day for what it is, and remember how we got here.  Oh, and STAY SAFE!!!  God bless, and Happy 4th of July!!!  :)  

Patience is a Virtue...That I Still Need to Learn! (scroll to bottom for pics and a quick update)

Oh patience!  Patience is defined (via Google) as: The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."  I feel like I have done pretty well with being patient in life, up until this week.  I've been frustrated before, but yesterday found me VERY IMPATIENT.  I had several things I wanted to accomplish, and I had determined this to-do list without regard for my current condition.  My condition is mainly just mental and physical exhaustion from radiation and chemo, but it's aggravated by the major skin irritation on my left side, breathing difficulties (everything major has been ruled out thankfully, but the feeling of not being able to breathe and like I am suffocating at times induces great anxiety in my), etc.  I am usually able to remind myself that all this is only temporary, and that this too shall pass; but yesterday I failed!  

I've been doing an online Bible study (which has been AMAZING, thank you Tiffany!) that has reminded me and encouraged me to get in The Word every day, as it is our spiritual daily bread.  I've written a devotional on this topic, I should KNOW to be in The Word every day!  But yesterday I didn't consume my spiritual daily bread.  I decided I wanted to go ahead and check something off my to-do list, which was go for a walk and stretch.  

Now, exercise is good (and it felt GREAT), but I did not leave myself enough time to open my Bible and read.  Everything was fine until I got to my radiation appointment at 8:45, and they were running 30 minutes behind.  This shouldn't even have been an issue for me, but because I had made so many plans for myself, I let it stress me out.  A LOT.  Which threw my entire day off, and resulted in a lovely panic attack (even after a couple Xanax).  I can't help but wonder if I could have prevented this by spending even just a few minutes with God, in His Word, before starting my day?  The endorphin rush from my workout was awesome, but it pales in comparison to the peace, clarity, and joy we receive from spending time in The Word.  

Also, I MAY have had an unrealistic amount of to-do's on my list...a big surprise coming from me, right? ;)  

This is where I get frustrated.  I am overall feeling SO MUCH BETTER than just a few months ago, but I'm surprised at how fatigued and brain-fogged radiation can make you!  I figured I would just sail through radiation (sound familiar?  like how I thought I'd sail through chemo? lol); but in reality it's a big toll on the body and I need to give myself the time to heal.  Fortunately, I have a lot of motivation and drive to accomplish many things; unfortunately, I am impatient about all the things I want to accomplish.  I want to start working on them all NOW!!!  I also get frustrated because I haven't been able to work full time.  Fortunately, I have an AMAZING boss who allows me to work as much or as little as I can, and co-workers who are so supportive (and I can't imagine doing this journey without any of my office peeps!); unfortunately, I am a Type-A control freak who wants everything done perfectly by the end of every day.  Which is IMPOSSIBLE in a dental office as it is, and even more impossible with my current state of mind and being.  

Update: Overall I am doing very well, all things considered.  My hair is growing back nicely!  I only have 4 radiation treatments left, and I am so thankful for that!  My skin burns are not bad, just a couple of spots where the skin is slightly broken and irritated.  I've "graduated" to only having to see my medical oncologist every 6 weeks now, instead of every 3 weeks (I will still continue to do Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks).  At my next appointment with her, I will start Tamoxifen; the hormone-blocker I'm slated to be on for 10 years.  I have to admit I'm nervous about this for 2 reasons: 1. possible side effects, and 2. 10 YEARS.  TEN. YEARS.  I'm scared to commit to that!  Although I can always stop if if I chose to.  And the commitment issue might also explain my recent single-ness...but I've also come to realize that even if I am single forever, that is ok because I DO have so many things I want to accomplish, people I want to help, and things I want to do and see!  I now always pray that God's will be done in my life, because I've finally come to fully understand that God's will is always the best for our lives.  It only took me 32 years, but hey better now than never! :)    

The burn here isn't too bad, it's mostly just itchy...and seatbelts irritate it!!!   And that's my port on my right side :) 

Under my left axilla, these little marks aren't big (thankfully!) but they are deep and they are INCREDIBLY tender (I think this is part of my insomnia...can't get comfortable)

All dressed up for the Making Strides for Breast Cancer photo shoot!!!  :D  

Snapped this pic on National Selfie Day...I still get goosebumps every time I look at it, or even think of it!  God finally got my attention...I'm following Him harder than ever!!!  

Thank you SO MUCH for reading, and God bless!!!  Hope everyone has a very safe and happy 4th of July!!!  :)  

Cast ALL Your Anxiety...For You are Loved!

As I was reading my Bible this morning, 1 Peter 5:7 really jumped out at me.  This is a verse I have read many times, and it is a scripture that is often quoted:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

This has always been a reassuring verse, one I've kept near and dear to my heart.  But today what struck me is that is says cast ALL your anxiety on him.  Not just some, but ALL.  Not just the big things you worry about, but the little things too; and especially the things that you really want to hold on to.  Some things are just so tough to turn over to God!  However difficult, we must turn over ALL our anxiety, fears, worries, and concerns over to him.  That financial burden you don't know how you will manage.  That relationship that, despite great effort, is still not working out.  That health problem that seems impossible to heal from.  That child that still heading down a bad path.  That addiction you can't control.  Whatever your anxieties are, turn them ALL over to God.  Even the little daily things like coordinating who is going to get the kids on time to dance or soccer practice?  Did the electric bill get paid (thank goodness for auto pay nowadays! lol)?  Is that age spot on my face seriously getting bigger by the day?!? Do I REALLY want to eat that doughnut in the break room that's been taunting me all day?!?!?!?  (The answer to that question, however, is ALWAYS yes!  lol j/k :)  How lucky we are to have the luxury of turning all our stress over to him!  

The other thing that stood out to me is that the verse says to cast all our anxiety on him BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU.  He loves YOU!  He loves you so much that he is willing to take all those things that stress you out and leave you depleted onto himself.  Even despite all our shortcomings and human failures, he wants to help you relax, enjoy life, and be joyful in him.  There is no greater love than that!  When we turn everything over to God, we can focus on our relationship with him, our relationships with others, and spreading his light throughout the world.  Think of how much better you focus when you aren't feeling stressed out, versus when you are super anxious.  So don't wait, turn it ALL over today in prayer - because you are LOVED!!!  

Thank you for reading, God bless!  <3 

Conva-WHAT?!?

Today was the appointment I have been most anxiously awaiting - meeting with my medical oncologist.  Barely a week after my diagnosis, I was still wrapping my head around (and trying to accept) the fact that I have cancer.  I knew I would have lots of decisions to make, but I did not realize how many decisions there would be; nor did I know how much they would impact my future, and the lives of those closest to me.

First there is surgery.  Fortunately, there are several options for surgeries, all of which have pros and cons.  I am currently leaning towards bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, which all of my doctors have fully supported (those reasons would fill up another entire blog post of its own).  While I had always thought it would be relatively easy to simply say, "Yes!  Take my boobs and give me new, fun ones!" it has not been easy.  I am still praying over this decision, asking for God's guidance and peace.  2 Corinthians 5:1-7 has been very helpful:

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.  Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  For we live by faith, not by sight.  (NIV) 

I will not dwell in this body for all eternity, only for a short while here on earth; therefore I can have no fear in removing any body parts that may prevent me from living the life God has blessed me with to the fullest.  We are here to do His work, and I can't have dysfunctional boobs getting in the way of that! :) 

Next there is all the treatments after surgery.  My oncologist said they definitely want me to do chemo.  We asked when the treatments would begin.  The doctor said, "After surgery, and after your have had a period of convalescence (approximately four weeks), we will begin treatment."  

Convalescence???  As in, convalesce???  What the heck does THAT mean?!?!?

I had to ask for clarification, as my early-onset chemo brain had lost all meaning to this word.  All I could think of was "convoluted" and "essence," and I wasn't able to make sense of these.  Of course she explained it means a period of time spent recovering from an illness or surgery.  AKA recuperating.  

AKA recovering.  Ok I know what that means!

So after I'm recovered from surgery, then we can start chemo.  While I am thankful there is chemo to help me survive, I am SCARED!!!   I will have a port placed, which is better than regular IV's.  I will lose my hair, which makes me VERY anxious; however I am actually kind of excited I can wear cute winter hats and not worry about my hair becoming smushed!  Plus, that is a legit reason to go shopping!!!  My parents can't argue that one with me! ;)  I've always known that with chemo, you can lose ALL your hair; but it just dawned on me today that my eyelashes and my eyebrows are composed of hair!  How in the WORLD am I supposed to stay warm all winter, especially having Raynauds?!  

Cue more shopping!  ;)  

Losing my hair and worry about side affects are my biggest concerns right now.  Fortunetly, I know that with God (and not to mention my AWESOME support network - I love you ALL!!!) I can get through it!  

The third thing is something I did not expect, or did not think about being an issue when I got my diagnosis.  The subject of fertility.  I never thought about chemo affecting my ability to have kids.  I now suddenly feel pressured to quickly figure out if having children is something I truly want to do.  I've always joked about how I don't want kids, but I've never been at a place in my life where I had enough financial/emotional/etc stability to have them; not to mention I wanted to experience just marriage first, before starting a family.  God has never really put it on my heart to have children, so why am I even worried?  What if I choose not to have children, go through chemo without freezing eggs or anything (I have no idea what all they do to help chemo patients have kids in the future), then later in life regret NOT having children?  Or regret not even TRYING to have children?  I have never actually considered the thought of starting a family, because it seemed so far away, and I wanted to make sure I was married and had stability in this crazy world before bringing a tiny human into it.  

But, that's where prayer comes in.  I am so thankful for a God who does love us, guide us, and give us peace.  I am also thankful for YOU!!!  Your love, support, and prayers (plus God's goodness) are what is keeping me going.  Blessings to you!!!  

Raindrops on the Window

Ahhh, rain.  Soothing, relaxing, cleansing, refreshing rain.  I love the smell of rain; that earthy fresh scent.  I believe that if God has a scent, it is Rain.  When I was a child, I remember riding in the back of our car while in the rain, watching the big raindrops fall onto the side window.  I remember how they would plop onto the top of the window, then roll on down the side.  They would start off rolling slowly; then as they progressed down the window's increasing angle, they would roll faster and faster.  I always thought about how that reminded me of life: life seems to start off really slow, then as you progress further through it, it gets faster and faster until it's just flying by.  I realize now that it is that way with most things in life: careers, relationships, many things.  The only thing, for me anyways, that is NOT that way is my relationship with God.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  What started out as a sort of whirlwind romance, learning so much about Him and growing closer to Him quickly, has evolved into a peaceful, steady relationship.  I never feel overwhelmed by Him, other than when I feel overwhelmed by His love, grace, peace, and hope.  I never feel strained or pressured by Him, other than the gentle nudgings He gives me to guide me along His path for me.

When I Can't, Then He Can!

For our OBS this week (which I HIGHLY recommend - this is another GREAT study), I chose to write some of my own "when-then" statements.  When we feel any negative emotions such as emptiness or uncertainty, we can use these statements to help us turn our focus back to Jesus.  These are my "when-then" statements, accompanied by scriptures that help me to remember them:   

• When I can't figure out what to do in regards to a tough relationship, then I will seek God's guidance and thank Him for giving me wisdom to guide my steps and actions.  
• Proverbs 3:5-6 
• James 1:5 
• When I feel as though I will never be able to make payments on my student loans, then I will thank God for always providing, and remember that all things are possible with Him.  
• Luke 18:27 
• Philippians 4:19
• Matthew 7:11
• Psalm 91:15 
• When I feel lonely, and as though I will be alone forever, then I will thank God for always being with me, and for never leaving me.
• Deuteronomy 31:6 
• Isaiah 41:10 
• When I feel as though I'll never have control over my eating habits, then I will thank God that he is transforming me, and that I can do all things through His strength.
• 2 Corinthians 3:18 
• Philippians 4:13 
• When work becomes overwhelming and I want to quit, then I will thank God for allowing me to have a job to work for Him, and for his peace and strength.  
• John 16:33 
• 1 Chronicles 28:20 
• Colossians 3:2-4,22-24 
• When I feel unsuccessful by the world's standards, then I will thank God for all the things He has helped me accomplished, for the blessed life He has given me, and for His grace that determines my real value in Him.  
• Romans 12:2 
• Luke 16:10-11 
• When I am worried that I have made a wrong decision or feel fearful for the future, then I will thank God for His will and for guiding me. 

• Jeremiah 29:11
• Proverbs 3:6 
• Philippians 4:6-7 

Statements Renee Swope included in her book A Confident Heart: 

• When I start to measure my value by how well I am doing as a _____ (employee, citizen, friend, daughter, sister, woman, etc), then I will thank God for the gift of my roles and for the gift of His unconditional love that determines my worth. 
• When I feel insecure about my position at work, church, or somewhere else, then I will thank God for the high or low position I have on earth and for my position on Christ that secures my significance forever.  
• When I feel an aching emptiness that I'm tempted to fill with food, television, or anything other than God, then I will thank God for being the strength of my heart and my portion forever - and remember that He is the One who satisfies the hunger and thirst of my soul.  

I hope some of these bless you as well!  If you have any "when-then" statements, please post them in the comments - I would love to read them!!!  Thank you for reading, and God bless!  :)  

Blessings Abound!

I wanted to start this off with something positive, and focusing on the best things in my life - all my wonderful blessings!  I love thinking about them and making lists of all my blessings regularly, it keeps me focused on how wonderful my life truly is!  So, in no particular order, here we go! :) 

• A wonderful, loving, amazing, powerful God!  He is my reason for breathing, getting up in the morning, and abundant joy in life!
• My family - my parents are amazing.  There are no words to describe how awesome, loving, fun, supporting, encouraging, etc etc etc they are!  My brother is pretty cool too.  I wish I could spend all day, every day with them!
• Awesome friends - I have been so blessed to have such good friends who are honest, reliable, dependable, and who genuinely care about me. 
• Q-bert - my cat :)  She's wonderful too, always runs to the door when I get home, snuggles me every night, and entertains me! 
• All my needs are met - I have an apartment that I love, a car that I love, and food and clothing!
• My two jobs - most of the time I enjoy both of them!  I am fortunate to even have two jobs, and with good bosses!
• My co-workers - amazing, incredible, supportive, loving, fun, etc.  So blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people! 
• My health - I've had my ups and downs with this, but overall I am healthy and well, and feel great every day! 
• My church - I have been attending and have been active for a year, but just recently joined.  Such an amazing place with incredible people; I am so blessed to have found them!
• My small group - I joined a group of single ladies of all ages.  They are so inspiring, encouraging, and fun!  They have taught me so much, and have greatly encouraged me. 
• This day - it is a rainy, chilly day; but the rain is much needed, and is allowing the flowers to grow and the birds to drink!  Also it is so soothing... 

There are so many more, but I must go eat my lunch that I am blessed to have - Mexican food is yummy!!! 

Peace to all :)