Do You Trust Me?

I was finally feeling ready to attack this cancer and have surgery when I woke up this morning. Good thing my surgery isn't scheduled till Monday, because I was notified that my surgeon had left town last night. She had left for St. Louis, where her mother was in ICU. I was informed of this so that I could move a Thursday appointment to Friday (to prep for my surgery Monday), and I didn't think much of it at the time.

Once the call ended, my mind (of course) started going crazy with the beloved "what-ifs."

Ahhh, those what-ifs that ruin many of our days! I began to worry what if her mother is severely ill, and she can't return in time for my surgery? Or what if her mother passes, and she has a funeral to attend, instead of my surgery? Or what if all ends up ok, but she is distracted as she works on me??? I got myself so worked up I was "stuck." This happens to me periodically as it is (thank you OCD!), but this time I prayed.

First, I prayed for my surgeon and her mother. I immediately felt selfish after my initial thoughts, and realized the bigger picture. Then I prayed for peace about my situation. As I was sitting there praying at my desk (thankfully the phone didn't ring, giving us some peace at the front desk), I heard a whisper: "Do you trust Me?"

My initial response was "Oh God, not now, I don't have time to trust, I just need PEACE!" Then I remembered who I was praying to. If I have time to pray for peace, then I have time to trust, and then I for sure have time to receive peace.

Why we resist these simple and easy things, I will never know (other than good ol' human nature). About this time, two scriptures popped into my head:

Phillipians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Mark 11:24: "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

God reminded me that, not even a week ago last Friday, He has answered my prayers in a big way (regarding my post-surgery supploes); how could I be here not trusting Him to provide?

This calmed me a bit, but I was still concerned. I went and talked to my mom and some coworkers, who reassured me all would be fine. I realized yet again how God uses His people to help us hear Him...and I am so thankful for that (And those people)!!!

Sometimes I feel I'm just as bad as the people in Exodus - continually forgetting God's provisions and love. This is why I am so thankful for His grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love! And also for my friends and family who continually reassure me, and remind me of His love and provisions. I am still continually thankful for you all!!!

The Honeymoon Phase

Well kids, the honeymoon phase is over.

I feel like some sort of sick (I guess I am though hah!) and twisted person to be saying this, but I do believe I had a sort of "honeymoon phase" after my diagnosis.  One website defines this as "A timespan during which problems are known to exist are either not manifest or are ignored, much like the newlywed period during which spouses are most cordial and passionate with each other.  In medicine, a honeymoon period is that which follows the diagnosis of a disease and before its impact is felt."

That is definitely what I experienced.  The past few weeks have not felt scary, just slightly overwhelming.  It has been almost exciting, as any new adventure does.  All the love and support was so great, and it felt really good to know that God has put such AMAZING people in my life (this means YOU!  You are AMAZING!).

Part of me was relieved that all the weird and annoying symptoms I had been experiencing (fatigue, night sweats, etc) were validated.  I was not just a whiny wimp that wanted to sleep all the time, I had a good reason to skip out on social events on Friday nights to sleep!

Another part of me was "happy" to have something that forced me to make some major lifestyle changes; changes I have wanted to make for years, but never had the real strength or resolve to make them last.  I was thankful for an "excuse" to purchase expensive organic produce and all natural beauty products.

And, of course, I've always wanted bigger boobs ;)

Thankfully, I know I can continue to focus on the positive things.  I do know, however, that these "excuses" are ones I should have been using for years.  I preached prevention to all my patients, but I did not practice what I preached.

Suddenly, reality has set in.  I am blaming PMS, as that is what gets me emotional on a monthly basis.  Also, this is the first time I have felt that anything about my situation is unfair.  PMS and cancer?!?!?  I mean, just uncap and dump the entire salt shaker in the wound!!!

While I am thankful for the lifestyle changes I have already made, the reality of incorporating them for the rest of my life overwhelms me.  I worry about things I should not even be thinking about right now.  Things like "What will my friends think if I only want to eat at 'healthy' restaurants?  Will it drive my family and friends nuts, or offend them, if I turn down baked goodies, or (my newest thing) only want to use glass food containers instead of plastic?"  With the holidays approaching, how on earth and I supposed to show all my loved ones how much I care without budget-friendly baked treats?!?!?  And holiday parties...ok, while I know I will bend my "rules" here, what AM I going to wear?!?!?

Thankfully, I know you all are amazing, and will support me in this fight however I need you to.  I've been drinking apple cider vinegar and kombucha for years, and you all still love me.  :)  Thank you!!!

Then there is surgery (worries of pain, external scarring, pain, internal scarring, pain, infection, pain, and oh those creepy/gross drains, etc) and chemo (nausea, fatigue, low white blood cell count during cold and flu season, and my biggest concern: whose hair WILL I pull?!?!?), but for now I am just focusing on my next step: preparing my mind, body, and soul for surgery.  I want to go into surgery as healthy as possible, so that I can recover as quickly as possible.  I have a LOT to do in that time off after surgery!  So much Netflix to watch and so many books to read...but I am terrified of the pain and side effects from surgery (especially the limited movement...yikes!  And I'm not even allowing myself to think about how I will look with clothes off for a long time...not that I enjoyed thinking about it previously lol).

Once I am healed up from that, then I can focus on the next steps.  But those are a few months away, and I know that with God and all you wonderful people, I will be just fine.  Please know that all your texts, calls, emails, Facebook posts, cards, prayers, and EVERYTHING helps me so much, every day.  I go back and look through them constantly, and I will use them so much over the next few months.  I hope God blesses you all as much as you have blessed me, because you have blessed me beyond words.

Conva-WHAT?!?

Today was the appointment I have been most anxiously awaiting - meeting with my medical oncologist.  Barely a week after my diagnosis, I was still wrapping my head around (and trying to accept) the fact that I have cancer.  I knew I would have lots of decisions to make, but I did not realize how many decisions there would be; nor did I know how much they would impact my future, and the lives of those closest to me.

First there is surgery.  Fortunately, there are several options for surgeries, all of which have pros and cons.  I am currently leaning towards bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, which all of my doctors have fully supported (those reasons would fill up another entire blog post of its own).  While I had always thought it would be relatively easy to simply say, "Yes!  Take my boobs and give me new, fun ones!" it has not been easy.  I am still praying over this decision, asking for God's guidance and peace.  2 Corinthians 5:1-7 has been very helpful:

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.  Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  For we live by faith, not by sight.  (NIV) 

I will not dwell in this body for all eternity, only for a short while here on earth; therefore I can have no fear in removing any body parts that may prevent me from living the life God has blessed me with to the fullest.  We are here to do His work, and I can't have dysfunctional boobs getting in the way of that! :) 

Next there is all the treatments after surgery.  My oncologist said they definitely want me to do chemo.  We asked when the treatments would begin.  The doctor said, "After surgery, and after your have had a period of convalescence (approximately four weeks), we will begin treatment."  

Convalescence???  As in, convalesce???  What the heck does THAT mean?!?!?

I had to ask for clarification, as my early-onset chemo brain had lost all meaning to this word.  All I could think of was "convoluted" and "essence," and I wasn't able to make sense of these.  Of course she explained it means a period of time spent recovering from an illness or surgery.  AKA recuperating.  

AKA recovering.  Ok I know what that means!

So after I'm recovered from surgery, then we can start chemo.  While I am thankful there is chemo to help me survive, I am SCARED!!!   I will have a port placed, which is better than regular IV's.  I will lose my hair, which makes me VERY anxious; however I am actually kind of excited I can wear cute winter hats and not worry about my hair becoming smushed!  Plus, that is a legit reason to go shopping!!!  My parents can't argue that one with me! ;)  I've always known that with chemo, you can lose ALL your hair; but it just dawned on me today that my eyelashes and my eyebrows are composed of hair!  How in the WORLD am I supposed to stay warm all winter, especially having Raynauds?!  

Cue more shopping!  ;)  

Losing my hair and worry about side affects are my biggest concerns right now.  Fortunetly, I know that with God (and not to mention my AWESOME support network - I love you ALL!!!) I can get through it!  

The third thing is something I did not expect, or did not think about being an issue when I got my diagnosis.  The subject of fertility.  I never thought about chemo affecting my ability to have kids.  I now suddenly feel pressured to quickly figure out if having children is something I truly want to do.  I've always joked about how I don't want kids, but I've never been at a place in my life where I had enough financial/emotional/etc stability to have them; not to mention I wanted to experience just marriage first, before starting a family.  God has never really put it on my heart to have children, so why am I even worried?  What if I choose not to have children, go through chemo without freezing eggs or anything (I have no idea what all they do to help chemo patients have kids in the future), then later in life regret NOT having children?  Or regret not even TRYING to have children?  I have never actually considered the thought of starting a family, because it seemed so far away, and I wanted to make sure I was married and had stability in this crazy world before bringing a tiny human into it.  

But, that's where prayer comes in.  I am so thankful for a God who does love us, guide us, and give us peace.  I am also thankful for YOU!!!  Your love, support, and prayers (plus God's goodness) are what is keeping me going.  Blessings to you!!!  

Diagnose

Diagnosing...that's what we were taught to do in chiropractic school. I was the one who was supposed to be diagnosing others, but I've now found myself to be the one diagnosed.

With the "C-word."

I knew women my age could get breast cancer, but surely not me, and surely not at age 31. I mean that was so rare, no way it could be me...right? But it is me. And it turns out that it's ok.

In just 24 hours since getting the call yesterday I've already learned so much about myself, my family, people, and life.  I'm already stronger than I ever thought I could be. I always thought I couldn't handle even hearing that I had cancer. But I went to work today, scheduled appointments for myself, and had a lot of laughs. My family has amazed me. They have been incredibly supportive, and stronger than I could ever have hoped. I've discovered that people are amazing, and I think needed to be reminded of that. I have literally been blown away by all the prayers and gifts and well wishes I have received. I've always believed in prayer, but now I really believe in the POWER of prayer. What is surprising to me is that have never felt so much peace in my life as what I feel today. I have never felt as thankful as I feel today, nor as blessed.

I can't thank you all enough for all you have done already, but please know everything is appreciated. Tomorrow I am meeting with the surgeon, and I am so incredibly thankful that my mommy is able to come with me. In the meantime...have you checked yourself yet??? 😊 God bless!!!

Raindrops on the Window

Ahhh, rain.  Soothing, relaxing, cleansing, refreshing rain.  I love the smell of rain; that earthy fresh scent.  I believe that if God has a scent, it is Rain.  When I was a child, I remember riding in the back of our car while in the rain, watching the big raindrops fall onto the side window.  I remember how they would plop onto the top of the window, then roll on down the side.  They would start off rolling slowly; then as they progressed down the window's increasing angle, they would roll faster and faster.  I always thought about how that reminded me of life: life seems to start off really slow, then as you progress further through it, it gets faster and faster until it's just flying by.  I realize now that it is that way with most things in life: careers, relationships, many things.  The only thing, for me anyways, that is NOT that way is my relationship with God.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  What started out as a sort of whirlwind romance, learning so much about Him and growing closer to Him quickly, has evolved into a peaceful, steady relationship.  I never feel overwhelmed by Him, other than when I feel overwhelmed by His love, grace, peace, and hope.  I never feel strained or pressured by Him, other than the gentle nudgings He gives me to guide me along His path for me.

What Might God Be Calling You to Leave Behind?

Sometimes (ok, often times!), life does not go how we want it to.  I've been working in my career now for over a year, and it has been an uphill battle the entire time for a variety of reasons.  Recently, however, I had started feeling very unsettled at work. I had started praying and reading scripture trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me.  The following image captures exactly what God was putting on my heart:

The past few weeks have been incredibly stressful at the office.  This stress was due to a number of causes, but the biggest cause was my office manager continually "yelling" at me for various things that I was unaware I was even doing.  Seeing as how no one else seemed to be in agreement with her, I was left feeling incredibly confused most days.  It all came to a breaking point last week.

When I went in to work last Friday, I started helping a co-worker get together a list for office supplies.  He has never worked the front desk, and was unaware of our need for things like paper clips and toner.  My office manager came back and was upset that I was helping him.  I apologized, and explained that this is his first time going to get office supplies, and that he does not know what kind of toner we need and how much, etc.  My office manager looked at me and said, "Toner?!? Why would we need toner?!?!"  I have learned not to explain myself, as it just gets me in more trouble, so I simply said, "I don't know."  Then she said she needed to talk to me in her office.


Before I continue, I must mention that words are so tangible.  They come across as spoken sound vibrations, but they have the capacity to reach into a soul and do something. They can uplift, soothe, and heal; or they can wreck and destroy.  Unfortunately for me, I was about to experience the latter.

Upon arriving in her office, my office manager immediately launched in to full accusatory mode: "Let's talk about Monday.  Monday was a disaster.  You were here for 8 hours and got NOTHING done.  And yesterday [Thursday], again you got NOTHING done.  You've been completely unproductive...I don't even know what we're paying you to do anymore!"  I sat there, stunned.  I have had a lot of coaching and feedback throughout my years (which has been very beneficial), but I have NEVER had anyone question my work ethic.   I am the type of person who always gives 110% (well, on an "off" day, I may only give 100%, I am only human), and I had been working my butt off all week (or so I had thought).  The sound vibrations from those words felt as though they transformed into a physical slap to my face.

I started to explain what all I had accomplished the past week, but was interrupted with more negative comments related to concerns I had mentioned to her throughout the previous weeks: "You need to STOP HELPING your co-workers; if they don't catch on and learn the job, and if they don't want to be here, then let them go, let them walk out - we don't want them here anyways, we can replace anyone here.  You can't care about your co-workers or your patients so much.  We will always have a high turnover rate, with new people probably every week, and you need to learn how to deal with it."  Now, before I continue on with my story, I will admit that some change is good, and I DO understand that there will be a fair amount of turnover at our office; however, I also know that SOME stability is important!  In my business experience (15 years in the workforce HAS taught me a fair amount), high turnover is NOT good.  There are plenty of studies and articles that outline the negative effects that high turnover has on a business:

• The shocking cost of turnover in health care
• The cost of turnover: Putting a price on the learning curve  
• Turnover rates and organization performance: A meta-analysis 
• The long term influence of service employee attrition on customer outcomes and profits
• High employee turnover can affect company performance
• How high employee turnover harms your performance  

My biggest problem with this high turnover situation is that in the end, it is my patients who become affected: I have had several patients quit care BECAUSE OF the high turnover rate!  That means they are not getting the care they NEED and DESERVE because of something that we CAN work to make better.  And that's where my ethics start to get compromised.

She continued on: "The bad thing Dr. T is that you're not mold-able, you're not conforming - we thought you would, and it would be an easy transition.  But you're NOT conforming, and we're disappointed.  You need to think about if this is really the right place for you...maybe you don't belong here."  Ooo, I don't belong...I don't fit it...I was called a disappointment.  I have only once in my life had a previous employer tell me they were disappointed in one aspect of my job performance (I did not meet credit card sales goals at a retail job); but never that they were disappointed in who I was.  Also, I am all for doing what your employer tells you, but if "conforming" compromises my ethics - then I'm out.  I'd even conformed pretty well - keeping on schedule with VERY short appointment times, getting patients scheduled with one of the other docs in the office, following treatment plan outlines, selling things such as decompression packages and supplements and oils and supplies, following up with my patients, etc.  But now, as she continued to inform me, I was not conforming in the aspect that I help my co-workers, and I care too much about my patients.  I was starting to feel like this:

My office manager could see that I was upset, and told me to take the morning off.  I said OK, and promptly went home and wrote my resignation letter.  This was a long story (I know I know lol), but I learned a LOT that day that I wanted to share.

First of all, you HAVE to be true to yourself, stand up for yourself, and stand up for what you believe in.  I believe in genuinely caring about my patients and co-workers, and giving my patients the best care possible.  If anything gets in the way of that, then it conflicts with my ethics - and that is unacceptable.

Second,  I was being told to conform, and Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will."  The pattern of this world is one that values money and prestige - not things that God values.  God explicitly states to NOT conform to things that make you uncomfortable, and my whole purpose in life is to follow Him.  I will come back to this scripture in my next blog post (which will be about how to seek and find God's will for your life).

While it was a hard decision to walk away from the career I had worked so hard for, God confirmed my answer to leave that Friday morning.  All the money and fame in the world is not worth it if I have to compromise who I am and what I believe in.  Most people will probably not understand my decision, but I am who I am - a child of God.  I'll choose my God, my peace, and my health over every worldly thing, every time.

Communication

If God appeared to you and told you to do something, how would you respond?  Would you respond with immediate acceptance, or with questions and hesitations?  When God appeared to Moses in Exodus 3, He had the following message: "So now, go.  I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt."  Wow - that is QUITE the project!  Moses responded with hesitation to God's message, and questioned God's decision in choosing him.  As an Egyptian Prince-turned-shepherd, Moses doubted that anyone would listen to him or believe him.  He also doubted that he would be able to effectively deliver the message, as he was not a good speaker.

How often do you feel the same way about things God has called you to do in your every day life?   Whether it is delivering a message to a crowd, or just having a tough conversation with your boss, coworker, family member, or friend, how often do we doubt our abilities?  We may doubt that our boss or coworkers will believe, understand, or agree with our ideas or opinions.  We may worry that our friends or family members will be offended or upset with something we need to discuss with them.  In Exodus 4:1, Moses asked God, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, The Lord did not appear to you?'" The NIV Life Application Study Bible explains: "Moses' reluctance and fear were caused by over-anticipation.  He was worried about how the people might respond to him.  We often build up events in our minds and then panic over what might go wrong.  God does not ask us to go where he has not provided the means to help.  Go where he leads, trusting him to supply courage, confidence, and resources at the right moment."  Instead of worrying about these conversations and events, have faith and know that God is with you at all times - even in these difficult situations.

Since Moses struggled with speaking, he requested of God to "Pardon your servant, Lord.  I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant.  I am slow of speech and tongue" (Exodus 4:10 NIV).  Never been eloquent...story of my life!!!  :)  Often times, we feel inadequate in a variety of ways.  I know that I often struggle with effective communication in all of my relationships, even when it's not a difficult situation.  We can have confidence in the same words that God said to Moses: "Who gave human beings their mouths?  Who makes them deaf or mute?  Who gives them sight or makes them blind?  Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12 NIV).  What great assurance we can have, knowing that God will equip us to do whatever He asks us to do, despite our weaknesses.  We must trust that He will provide us with the confidence, peace, abilities, and wisdom to do what he has called us to do.  All throughout your daily life, focus on drawing Him close, and letting Him help you with every task.  God bless!!!  :)